The Creaturesmaster- Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a really neat piece that you've got right here. There's about everything that one can expect from a prologue in here and so it does its job really well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sound of running footsteps echoes down the dark alley. Three hooded figures dressed all in black speed through the small houses. The figure on the right and the one in the middle are both women, the one on the left is a man. It seems as if they are the only living souls in that place, but there is something else. A tiny object lays craddled on the arm of the man. It is fire red in colour and emits the only source of light on their path. Its form inflates and deflates, as though it were breathing.

There is someone else running on the rooftop, following them. His clothes are black and silver, and he has a silver mask covering his face. The woman on the right notices and tells her companions. The three of them speed up, and so does the man. The woman on the middle shouts something, pointing at the man, and a jet of flame shoots from her hand. The man stops and ducks, and the other three keep going. Another masked form jumps at them from a side alley and shouts a war cry as it beheads the woman on the right. It jumps at the other woman, but she is ready. She deflects his sword with a dagger that she produces from her belt and tells her companion to keep going. But more masked people come out of unexpected places and soon the man and the woman in black are outnumbered by their enemies. The man throws the red object up in the air and it spreads its wings, quickly flying away.

There is one man that rises above all else. He is obviously the leader. He strides up to the man and the woman and bellows with his booming voice, "What have you done? Where have you sent it?"

"I have done the right thing," the man responds, "I sent it to find its new Master."

The leader roars into the night skies, then walks over to the woman, and stabs her in the heart. The woman collapses, and he moves on to the man. "You have done a grave mistake." He says.

"I have done the right thing." The man responds. The boss raises his hands and shadows glide out of it. Then they fly towards the man and take hold of him, go into him, grasp his mind, and try to take control of his being. With the last bits of energy left of him, he spits on the golden mask and says, "May there be light in this world." Then the shadows finally hold him, and he blacks out falling, to the ground.

The leader of the group looks at his remaining followers, "Let's not waste any more time. We've got a Creature to hunt."

Hello Alfonso! I'd like to start off by saying that I enjoyed reading the start of your story and I think it has a lot of potential. I've written a review for you with some things that I personally found in your writing that could use improvement. I hope you find it constructive and are able to put it to good use.

In your first paragraph, I only have an issue with one sentence. You wrote: “A tiny object lays cradled on the arm of the man.” For this sentence here, it would make more sense to say it in this manner: “A tiny object lay cradled in the man’s arm.” Lays didn’t flow correctly, cradled was misspelled, and if you say in the man’s arm it sounds like he is holding on to whatever he has. If you just say that it is on his arm, it makes it sound like it is just there to be there. Obviously this man is trying to protect whatever it is that he is carrying, so you would want to make it seem that way and give this creature some significance right from the start.

In your second paragraph, you say this: “She deflects his sword with a dagger that she produces from her belt and tells her companion to keep going. But more masked people come out of unexpected places and soon…” I recommend changing the sentence structure some so it flows better. This is how I rewrote it: “She deflects his sword with a dagger that she produces from her belt and tells her companions to keep going, but more masked people come out of unexpected places. Soon, the man and woman…”

A few lines down, when the leader has caught the man, you have written “skies” where it should just be “sky”, because there is only one. Again, sentence structure here is important. It makes more sense and flows better to write it in this manner: “The leader roars into the night sky. He walks over to the woman and stabs her in the heart. She collapses and he moves on to the man. ‘You have made a grave mistake,’ he says.” I’ve never heard anyone say that they have done a grave mistake. I’m not sure, so this just makes much more sense to me.

Then in the second to last line about the shadows, I suggest changing it to read similar to this: “The shadows finally hold him and he blacks out, falling to the ground.”


The biggest issue I see in your writing is sentence structure, which is easily fixable with practice. Your spelling and grammar are great as far as I can tell. A tip to help with your sentence structure is to write some of your work, then read it aloud to yourself. Pause at all the commas and periods to make sure that the structure itself would make sense to someone else reading it. I hope I’ve helped somewhat. Let me know if you have any questions about what I said or would like another review.
-Megan

Hi Alfonso! As requested!
So, I really enjoyed thisin all, but there are some things you can work on to really make this piece light up.
Firstly, to the not s good things (your spirits will be lifted at the good things), this line here:
'It seems as if they are the only living souls on that place...'
I don't know if it is justa typo, but you should prrobably change that on to in, because they are not on theplace, they are in it;)

The start of the second paragraph:
Then the woman on the right notices someone else, running on the roof of the nearby buildings, his face masked with a silver mask.
Try to avoid words like then at the start of sentences, they ruin the affect, and you need to show the reader, not just tell them, maybe change it to: A strange man stands ona neabry rooftop, his face shielded by a silver mask. The woman on the right spots him, and points it out to her companions.

Another reason for this is because I (and I'm sure all the othere readers), do not like the repitition of mask.
Plus, if you describe all your characters,you can change 'the woman on the right' to the woman with dark hair for example, or you could name them
Just a suggestion, but I'm getting the gist their names are supposed to be secret, right?

I don't know why, vbut I do not like this line, maybe try rewording it and changing it around:
One of the masked men, this one with a golden mask and obviously the leader, strides up to the man and the woman and bellows with his booming voice, "What have you done? Where have you sent it?"

Also, i noticed a few punctuation and grammical errors, but those are easily fixed, things like:
The leader of the masked group looks at his remaining followers. "Let's not waste any more time. We've got a Creature to hunt."
I'm pretty sure you need acomma before the pseech, not a fulls top.

Now, to the good things,
I love your descriptive language,and your tone of voice, especially this line:
It is fire red in colour and emits the only source of light on their path. Its form inflates and deflates, as though it were breathing.
LOVE IT!

SO that's it, just fix up those little things, but those are just my little nick pits.

Great piece, and I'm excited to readmore!
Toby.