Soulless
Preface
He was being watched, he was sure of it, and yet he could see no one in the chamber. He looked behind him. As he had expected, there was nobody. But when he looked back, something seemed to have changed, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. As the presence only grew stronger, the imposing throne seemed to have expanded in size.
Then he heard the Voice, the Master’s voice. It spoke to him, and he felt like he had been hit by a sledgehammer.
“You have failed me yet again, Ratsey.” The man, Ratsey, winced, even though it wasn’t the first time he had heard the Master’s voice. It seemed to be accompanied by a chorus of screeches, like a hundred knives grating metal. The Voice spoke not only to his ears, Ratsey realized, but also to his mind. And those knives seemed to scratch his brain to, for the voice was so filled with power.
After a slow breath, Ratsey looked up, opening his eyes, and he realized why the throne had suddenly looked bigger. Sitting in the throne was a figure looking his way. It seemed to have attracted every shadow in the room to it, like a dark magnet, and it hung around him like a veil of smoke. The form didn’t show very much. It was a humanoid form that was covered by a hood, which also looked like it was made from a dark mist. Ratsey could not distinguish anything apart the form of the body and the hood and the shadows prevented him from analyzing anything else.
The Master sat still, and a wave of dread froze Ratsey to the bone.
“I... I-” Ratsey tried to give an acceptable excuse, but failed as he was interrupted by the Master.
“You have failed me. There is no other way to put it. This assault was very important to me Ratsey. It was critical for my plans. I gave you my faith, and what did you do with it?”
“I’m sorry Master! It will never happen again! I swear it on the Gods souls!”
The Master sat silently for a moment. Then,
“What exactly do I mean to you Ratsey? What exactly would you be without me?”
Ratsey whimpered, “I would be nothing, Your Mightiness. You are everything to me. I would never do something like this on purpose!”
“So then,” started the Master, with an overwhelming clam, “Next time that you swear something on the gods souls, you might consider swearing on my soul.” Again he paused, while Ratsey nodded frantically. Then the Master raised his hand, and guards that hadn’t been there moments ago materialized from who knows where and took Ratsey by the shoulders.
“Take him to the Pit,” said his Mightiness, “and if he survives he probably will have learned a thing or two about loyalty and respect.”
The guards started shoving Ratsey out of the room, all the time with him shouting and resisting. He couldn’t go to the Pit. It was the worst fate. But there wasn’t a lot he could do about it.
Then the Master held out his hand again and the guards stopped pushing Ratsey, and he stopped screaming until the Master would finish talking.
“And if you ever do swear on my soul,” said the Master, returning to the idea, “You might as well not waste your time, for I have no soul.”Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Fernandez (can I call you that?)
I liked this! It's very dark, engaging, and I really want to read more. Plotwise, you're heading in the right direction; I love this soulless Master and his presence, the way he intimidates Ratsey and has such a threatening air about him. I've just got a handful of nitpicks to point out so that it reads a bit better, though you're almost there with it. I'm going to be a bit picky, just because it's such a good piece of work.
Obviously, Trinity pointed out a few things, and I agree with them on their points. However:
I don't think you need 'but yet' - it doesn't sit well in my mind. I reckon you should have either 'but he could see nothing' or 'yet he could see nothing', they flow better.
Do you mean grating ON metal? Something feels amiss.
You need a comma after 'me'.
Now, this is very much personal preference, but I don't think you need the last bold bit. I think it somehow detracts from the horror of this mysterious pit. Ending it with 'it was the worst fate' would sound a lot more ominous for me - but, as mentioned, that's my preference.
I think that's it, though I really liked this:
Brilliant image - I really had a picture in my mind.
Anyway, I hope that helped a little, though this piece was rather difficult to criticize! Could you notify me when you put the next part up? I really want to read more!
~Dark
Hey Dark! I've never been able to figure out how to quote a post when reviewing, do you mind telling me? I'd really appreciate it, thanks
You just find the section you want to quote and put [quote][/quote] around it.
I really like this work, it had great details and was very interesting.
"And those knives seemed to scratch his brain [red]to[/red]"
I would change the "to" and the end to "too"
"You might as well not waste your time, for I have no soul.”
Although this sentence is fine, I would change "for I have no soul" to "For I have none"
But that's just my opinion.
I would really like to read more of this story.
Hope this helped!!