Heart
I will paint you
yellow
.
yellow
because
it is the
color of
danger
my dangerous heart
you are
a
danger
to me
....
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140,684 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :p
SO, to start off this review a bunch of places are missing commas but thats it otherwise since it flows very well. The lines that need commas after them would be "Heart", "I will paint you", "yellow" and "my dangerous heart".
The meaning? Well, you are talking about how you are a danger to yourself. How you could easily think one bad thought and let your brain and heart become consumed by it. To let nothing else pass and only focus on that one thing. To almost drown by it.
Sorry for the short review but I had to head to my next class!
Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Goodmorning (or as morning as 1:45 a.m is or isn't),
Let's start right in with some encouragement! I like this piece as a concept, it's like a simplified algebraic expression; boiled down yet meant to communicate a great deal.
Your introduction bit is like a dictionary entry with the remainder being the definition. I believe I understand your intents in writing this, but it does seem to be packing a that I just can't put my finger on. I agree with writervid in that the second part needs to be broken up into two, I feel that it would greatly help to flow of your piece.
I've noted your tripled use of the word danger. While I understand that you probably used it on succession that way to emphasize your point in the danger of your heart to yourself, I think you may need to replace one of the dangers with another similar word, for example instead of
You could say "you are a threat to me"
However, that is a purely personal thought and it is also fine as it is.
Overall, it is an excellent piece and I look forward to your future pennings!
Goodnight and keep writing on
Thanks for sharing a poem expressing the sense of danger in reference to the heart.
Because you use yellow as a way of indicating sickness, I looked up the color to see what meaning it is given. I didn't find sickness included in the connotations
http://www.empower-yourself-with-color- ... ellow.html
However, I can understand why you might view it that way since a heart that becomes that color would be a sickly. Also, there are illnesses that cause a yellowing of the eye and skin.
I understood the danger the poem mentions in two ways.
1. The heart representing emotions can sometimes overwhelm reasoning and lead us into trouble.
2. The person who suffers from an ailing heart will come to view it as a possible imminent threat to his life.
suggestions
Adding examples of the dangers in the poem would be nice.
Hi! Nice to meet you! I'm just going to leave a quick review here on your piece (I'm Anna).
So, starting off, I'd like to say that I view poetry as highly subjective. When you write poetry, you write for yourself and not for others. It is one of, I think, the most vulnerable forms of writing, and posting it online is already very brave. But even though I think poetry is highly personal, I think that that doesn't mean the technicalities of it don't matter, if that makes sense?
I think one way your poem wins is the simplicity of it. I can definitely see some elements of modern poetry in there, more of an Amanda Lovelace vibe than a William Blake one. And modern poetry has definitely played with punctuation and capitalization before. So, starting off: capitalization: why is only the first word of your poem capitalized (and I, later on)? I have read and have written poems that are entirely uncapitalized, and I have read poems where only one significant word is capitalized, but this is neither. Please be consistent with your capitalization choice.
Second of all, I'm kind of confused by the association of the color yellow here. Yellow has a general connotation of happiness and joy and sunshine. It is not generally considered, at least where I live, a color that signifies danger except in terms of my water-snob friends who won't drink anything that doesn't have a green light on the filter. :p Of course, this is totally up to you, but I feel like maybe a better color to go for would be red...unless you're trying to bring to light the happiness of the person in question?
Third--and last--thing I feel like the last chunk should be broken up into two stanzas. I understand not having punctuation, but since the last big stanza has two separate thoughts, it might make it a little clearer to the reader that they are two thoughts. It might also create a nice visual structure on the page!
Nice to meet you! Keep making art! Sorry if this was too harsh/pretentious/crazy (... you know what I mean). Welcome to YWS!!