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Dancing With The Devil

by myasir99


He was sitting in the darkness alone thinking about himself he was thinking about to end up his life because no one loved him no one likes him no one wants him that was he thinks tears drops came out from his eyes, oh he was just 13-year-old kid every day those cruel people came to him just to rigged him and making fun of him he`s way too innocent every time they hypnotise him, the pure soul has no way out he was like a show with popcorn for them dancers of the devil disturb the god`s angle

no one was in his home who asked him about his day about what`s happening in your life no one can understand his condition only he knows and god knows that every day devil came to him and invites him for having danced with him in his dirty game he was a god`s child as we know he kicks em up every time and so this story hasn't any end it only has it

hope, wait, control on your anger issues because one mistake and you are performing with the devil


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Sat Jan 02, 2021 2:04 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review on this pretty short piece of yours.

First Impression: Well this was quite a short story and not exactly sweet either but I think its trying to convey a pretty good message and perhaps its just slightly lost in translation here and there because I don't quite understand it as well as I would like.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He was sitting in the darkness alone thinking about himself he was thinking about to end up his life because no one loved him no one likes him no one wants him that was he thinks tears drops came out from his eyes, oh he was just 13-year-old kid every day those cruel people came to him just to rigged him and making fun of him he`s way too innocent every time they hypnotise him, the pure soul has no way out he was like a show with popcorn for them dancers of the devil disturb the god`s angle


Okay, well that is quite a way to start a story right there. I think you're capturing quite a bit of deep emotion there right away with the abstract ideas being thrown in for god measure with all the popcorn and other imagery. The descriptions of the boy's face is also done really well and it does a good job helping you envision what's going on here and allowing you to see the predicament this kid must be in and makes you feel for him straightaway so this is a great opening paragraph.

no one was in his home who asked him about his day about what`s happening in your life no one can understand his condition only he knows and god knows that every day devil came to him and invites him for having danced with him in his dirty game he was a god`s child as we know he kicks em up every time and so this story hasn't any end it only has it


Okay things got a touch more confusing at this point because I don't quite seem to be able to place exactly what's going on here. It does look like this kid is perhaps stuck in a vicious cycle of some sort where here is constantly sad or something like that. That's all I can really deduce here. Yeah I don't believe I fully understand what's happening.

hope, wait, control on your anger issues because one mistake and you are performing with the devil


Well that's a nice bit of advice to end on I think. Never can be too careful I suppose. Well anyway, seems like a pretty good place to end this story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a pretty decent piece but I think it needs to be a little bit clearer as to what exactly is going on before a proper judgment can be made. Anyway that's about all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Dec 04, 2020 8:02 am
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Abhay says...



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ChrisCalaid says...


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Fri Dec 04, 2020 4:57 am
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hello there!
I'm here for a quick review. I really like this and how you describe "like a show with a popcorn" that part has quite a humor! I love how you express this unknown "he", too.

Here are a few things I noticed:

"no one loved him no one likes him no one wants him that was he thinks tears drops came out from his eyes


You should use pasted tense verb since you used paste tense for "loved". And also I think it might be better if you use commas.

"no one loved him, no one liked him, and no one wanted him"

I have a question here, what do you mean by "that was he think tears drops came out from his eyes"? Do you mean "no one loved him, no one liked him, no one wanted him, as he thought it teardrops came out from his eyes"?


I think you have some run-on sentences and I would suggest that you shorten the sentences out since you stretched it out a bit far.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Welcome to YWS!



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Abhay says...


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