Young Writers Society

I think, with the beautiful word choices you've made in your little story, it could be expanded... That is, unless you're planning to make it some sort of crazy prologue and continue on with the story.

Also, the big chunk really bothers me. Do you think you can separate it out into paragraphs to make it more readable to the reader? I know you can space it out somewhere! :]

Perhaps between.

and I wouldn’t let them. Nothing could keep this

Thanks for the critiques! I have terrible spelling and grammar, a hereditary trait, agitated by the Texas education system... Bear with the story! It's a spin off of a larger project I can hopefully, and am failing, to finish! Thanks a lot! Sorry, if i don't critique any of your stuff to well, i just cant pick out errors...

Hi, I'm ST!

Here's the critique first:

I found this quite interesting, and a new twist to the romance department that's for sure. You had a few mistakes, but this was entertaining to say the least.

muunilist10 wrote:I wanted to stay on it forever, to be inside of it, consumed by it’s wonderful glory, it was something that took me strait up, wherever I wanted to go

Hi there, muunilist10. And, to echo nevermore's words, welcome to YWS.

It was beautiful. Every inch of it, every line, every curve, button, screw, door, hatch, and latch, I loved it. I love the opening sentence because it is rife with impact and makes me curious, but the second sentence is so long -- which can be good, variation is always a good thing, but perhaps not this early on? I wanted to stay on it forever, to be inside of it, consumed by it’s wonderful glory, new sentence it was something that took me straight up, wherever I wanted to go. I experienced things I could never ever dream of on this ride, but yet they were happening, for real, in the flesh! I was alone, no one was there to ruin it, I think, maybe, a hyphen? I wouldn’t let them, such a run-on! New sentence, please nothing could keep this beauty we had separate, it consumed it, it consumed me. It alerted me as it arrived at a different place, but passed everyone by in favor of me, I wanted it, it wanted me, and we wanted each other. you know, this type of drawn-out sentence is getting a bit samey. Where are the mixed short sentences? You really don't want to end up with something long-winded I could do nothing but listen in awe as it sang a gentle tone, lulling me to[s]o[/s] sleep where I stood. I begged it to speak, to[s]o[/s] at first I thought this was a typo, being seeing that you've done it twice now, it begs the question: do you know the difference between to and too? answer my questions, but it wouldn’t tell me anything, not a single word. It was wise, knowing everything in the realm of up and down, no one could match it[s]’[/s]s knowledge, not even the office server, and she was everything. I dreaded time as my arrival came closer, only a short amount of time we still had together, it was almost as if I could feel my heart breaking, it couldn’t be. I had never had a love like this at the office, not the stapler, she was cold. this is a bit... weird Not the copying machine, she was always being used by someone else. Not even the passion I had with the tape dispenser, rest her soul, okey-doke but alas, some love isn’t meant to be, and we must move on. We had both been with a lot of things, many objects and bodies, but we could look past that, learn to accept that we are both not perfect, and that the only thing that is perfect is our love, that love is perfect. I have felt love before but, nothing has ever come close to this love, and I didn’t want it to end, at least not like this. I needed to have composure, it told me too stay strong, fight through, don’t let them see what we had, because it could destroy us, then we would never even get these precious moments. My time came; it spoke only a short and brief good bye as I departed. The doors opened and I walked off to my desk, new sentence love is bliss.


-S.S.

First, welcome to YWS!

I certainly loved your work. It was quite new to me - very unique from any other Romantic fictions. The idea - the imagery and everything - was sui generis, very of-its-own-kind.

I don't have anything to critique...you've got great choice of words, grammatical structures and everything. The only problem I've found is the structure of your work - punctuations and spacings. Honestly, upon seeing your work, I felt like "whoa, this is a huge chunk!". My eyes were dropping and I noticed that I was reading the same line over and over gain or I was jumping from one line to the next. So I decided to put it on MS WORD and put double spacings. It looked boring when it must not be 'cause I was really "consumed by ITS wonderful glory" and "it was beautiful".

For instance:

It was beautiful. Every inch of it, every line, every curve, button, screw, door, hatch, and latch, I loved it.

I wanted to stay on it forever, to be inside of it, consumed by it’s wonderful glory, it was something that took me strait up, wherever I wanted to go.

I was alone, no one was there to ruin it, I wouldn’t let them, nothing could keep this beauty we had separate, it consumed it, it consumed me.