If I Were

Hi mustang!

Okay, so this is going to be a horrible nit-picky thing that I noticed, but you keep on saying stuff like, "If I were the car / I would be the fuel..." Anyway, my response to that is, "No! You already said that you were the car... how can you be the fuel too?!" So yeah... a very nit-picky thing, but it made this poem a little bit more of a struggle for me to read... and yes, I am crazy, lol.

Also, another thing... you have two forms of "gentle" in the last line. It seems weird, first of all, because it's really the only time that an adjective and adverb are used in this entire piece, so it's a bit awkward. Next of all, it's kind of repetitious. Anyway, this line seems to predominate the entire poem, and I have to wonder, "Is there any reason for this?" So, basically, is being a boat something better than being something else? It's a bit weird!

Oh, and there were typos... listen to the other guys for that!

Anyway, those were the two things I noticed. Cute piece you have here!

Awwwwwwww cute poem! Its so sweet

First off, I really liked this, but I think you could fix up some of the grammar. Also, maybe put these in stanzas. I think the flow would be better and then you could add more imagery and extend it. Everything else has pretty much already been stated above. Great poem though!

Keep on writing!

~Ktg

mustang wrote:If I #FF0000 ">wer (were) a car#0000FF ">, (punctuation will be fixed in blue)
I'd be the fuel
Moving the engine#0000FF ">.
#FF0000 ">if i (capitalization matters - "If I") were a plane#0000FF ">,
#FF0000 ">i"d (I'd) be the propeller
pushing it #FF0000 ">thru (through) the sky#0000FF ">.
#FF0000 ">if i (If I) were a motorcycle#0000FF ">,
#FF0000 ">i'd (I'd) be the lights
blinking as we turn#0000FF ">.
#FF0000 ">if i (If I) were a boat#0000FF ">,
#FF0000 ">i'd (I'd) be the engine
pushing us gently across the gentle waves#0000FF ">.

Hey there! So this is a cute little poem you've got but the grammar needs fixing, really it does! You shouldn't use abbreviations like thru in poetry unless you're making a point about the modern world and its use of chat speak or you're satiring it or whatever. Basically, it doesn't fit in this poem or most others! But that aside, let's take a look at what you have...

If I wer a car
I'd be the fuel
Moving the engine
if i were a plane
i"d be the propeller
pushing it thru the sky
if i were a motorcycle
i'd be the lights
blinking as we turn [I'd rather like to know about the other person. What would they be? While you're being the propellor, are they the wing? Or maybe they're the one you're carrying?]
if i were a boat
i'd be the engine [Alright so you already used engine which made this last one a slight let down as it felt a bit repetetive. Maybe choose something else? Also, you stick solely to modes of transport here but I think you could take it wider. There are other things which have kinetic movement, action in some form. Like you could have a toaster! A toaster moved when it ejects the toast so you could be the lever in it or the springs. It would add a nice touch of variety to the piece.]
pushing us gently across the gentle waves

These are all quite short statements and it might be nice if you expanded each one to include more details, to give the reader something more to picture. For example, what's the car moving past? What does it feel like to be the fuel? Where does the motorcycle turn to - where is it travelling from or to? Little details can really be the heart of a poem and I think there's so much potential for what you could do here, so many different directions you could take it.

I've not got much else to say other than that this is a nice start. It's not ground breaking but I think it's sweet and quite a whimsical little poem. If you make any edits, let me know and I'll gladly take a second look! Or if you've got any questions you'd like me or would like a review on something else, I'm always happy to help out

Heather xxx

Aaaw, this is sweet.

To make it even better you could:
Fix all grammatical, spelling, and capitalization errors and
Put in some imagery.
That's all though!
Otherwise, good job. I thought it was nice and there was a pretty good amount of emotion in it

Keep writing,
Alzora

If I were a car comma
I'd be the fuel
Moving the engine
(stanza 1^)

icapitalizef i were a plane comma
i"d be the propeller
pushing it thrThrough** u the sky

if i were a motorcycle comma
i'd be the lights
blinking as we turn all of a sudden you're talking about 'we' after talking about yourself for the entire poem It gives the reader a bit of whiplash.

if i were a boat comma
i'd be the engine
pushing us gently across the gentle waves
i like the imagery in the last line, very peaceful.


i like the way you described yourself as the one steering and powering the relationship, almost as if she were just dead weight, or perhaps you two are a working system that rely on each other? You should elaborate so that the reader knows.

You should not use contractions or chat-speak whenever you're resenting a poem. This is your art, so take pride in it. Good luck, Keep writing

-KatTrain

Hi Mustang,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This is really lovely. I especially like the last two lines; they're very beautiful. As a whole, the poem flows very well.

You've miss typed the first were - that's the only error I can see here!

For the sake of experimentation, it might be interesting to break this into stanzas, and maybe even to expand them to four lines per mode of transport rather than three.

A pleasure.

I hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas