Seasons

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It happens to everyone. You eventually forget what that one person looked like because you haven’t seen them in so long. You wish you could remember, but you cry because you can’t. You forget their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice.

It had been weeks since the accident and no one had seen or heard from Caroline. Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star, Tyler Jackson, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But, I closed my eyes and I could see her, smell her, and touch her. I inhaled and could smell the scent of her shampoo. I could see her face, her long, curly, brown hair and her brown eyes. I could feel her dark, olive skin again against mine, as I did so many times before.

Hmm...well this is interesting. I'm not sure if this is meant to be a very short first chapter, a prologue or just part of the first chapter, but well it seems like something of a combination of all three here. There's also a distinct sense of a blurb like feel like to this piece so it is a little bit all over the place in terms of that, which isn't a bad thing, its just the vibe I get here.

I like the premise you're going with at least, or at least what I think the premise is cause it isn't necessarily outright stated here, just sort of implied from what I can see, but that does make things quite exciting I think. There's quite a unique vibe being created here with what appears sort of this forbidden sort of love between the protagonist and someone who happens to be a trophy girlfriend to some popular person in the school. Its quite a premise I think , one that I think is actually something I haven't seen before which is quite something considering how many romance stories are out there set in a high school.

So, overall, I don't fully know what to make of this as a piece, but the bit we get to see sounds exciting and feels like it could lead towards a pretty solid story here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello, I'm Evi. I moved this to General Fiction Novels since you said this is the beginning of a novel, and not a short story. Does that make this a prologue, then? Abigail covered everything I was going to point out, especially removing those commas in the second paragraph. The only other thing I have left to suggest is that you avoid listing so much:

"their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice."
"and I could see her, smell her, and touch her."
"I could see her face, her long, curly, brown hair and her brown eyes."

For just to paragraphs, three lists are too much and begin to be noticeable, especially when it all comes in threes. Consider saving some of this description for later, or even taking out one of those final conjunctions, the ones I bolded. Sometimes that adds to the effect of the words.

Also, your narrator says that:

Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star, Tyler Jackson, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But

This "but" leads us to think that your narrator assumes differently. Then you don't explain what the narrator does think is going on with Caroline. It's fine to explain how her can still see her, smell her, but explain what he means by this.

Good luck with wherever you take this, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Very nice work! Since this is only two paragraphs, I'm just going to pick at the little things.

musicheroine wrote:You forget their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice.

I might suggest changing the word "or" to "and." This is optional, of course, but I just feel like saying "or" takes away from the meaning of the paragraph. You could even remove the word "or" and leave it without a conjunction; with literary license, don't take all the restrictions of essay-writing too seriously.

musicheroine wrote:Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star#FF0000 ">, Tyler Jackson#FF0000 ">, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But#FF0000 ">, I closed my eyes and I could see her, smell her, and touch her. I inhaled and could smell the scent of her shampoo. I could see her face, her long, curly#FF0000 ">, brown hair and her brown eyes. I could feel her dark#FF0000 ">, olive skin again against mine, as I did so many times before.

You don't need any of the commas I've put in red.

Next: redundancy. When you smell something, it's usually a scent. Thus, you could simply say, "I inhaled and could smell her shampoo." Plus, doing something "as [you] so many times before" indicates that you are doing it again, so you don't need the the word "again."

I have critiqued you far too much for such a meaningful piece of work, but I hope my advice proves useful.