You gave me a dozen red roses
And I gave you my heart
For a dozen black ones
Would you give it back to me?
You changed before my eyes
Into someone I never knew
Someone I don't love
Anymore
Chocolate makes everything better
But it can't fix your mistakes
A million kisses
Wouldn't make it better
Like it used to
I'm not that person now
Your roses don't mean anything
Anymore
Why did you change, for them?
They don't know what love is
Platinum cards and big white cars?
They don't mean anything
The only thing that matters
Is you and me
Which isn't happening
Anymore
So long, goodbye.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the critiques, I will definitely work on this! I appreciate the suggestions!
Hi there!
So, this obviously has a lot of meaning, and I enjoyed the comparison at the start, of the roses. But it loses touch. It's just a jumble of thoughts and words directed at someone. You don't describe the events, or the feelings. I'd like to know more about the persona, about the one with the red flowers... I'm failing to connect because of the lack of description. Imagery is a great tool to pull your reader in, make them feel part of the poem. I think adding in some here would be a great idea.
Luck with this... I think it could be quite good if you worked on it a bit.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I actually really liked this (yay self esteem booster!) It is dramatic, very dramatic, which is something I like. It also has some emotion (which most of my poems seem to lack). I like how every line has the ending of 'Anymore.'
Sorry this is a sad critique.
MV
This may sound a little harsh but I hated it. The entire poem sounded amateur. Too amateur.
The idea of red roses becoming black roses ... healing chocolates ... love sickness ... Way to overdone.
Of course, this is just one man's opinion. I'm sure another will love it. Try again. I think with a little reflection you could turn out a great piece of poetry.