Teenage Girl Fatality

Every teen girl shares one thing in common, they want to be loved. They wait for the magical moments they cherish so deeply almost daily. Wanting to be asked out, or hold someone’s hand. Get a hug, break the the touch barrier, or most importantly, that first kiss. Being a girl myself, I can tell you from when I was in kindergarten I wanted a kiss. Most boys weren't past that “Gross girls have cooties!” stage yet, but hey, every girl wants one right? Most every girl has carried that same feeling with them into their older years as they grow and only now do they wish for it more.  So, enough said. You know how it goes. Now you can experience my part. Maybe most girls aren't like this or maybe they are. This is my story. It might be more of a desperate hope or confusing but, here it is.

First off, you should know the villain of the story. Or maybe he’s a hero. Or neither? I'm not revealing his real name so I'll call him "You Know Who". Now You Know Who had apparently liked me since sixth grade, and at this point I’m in ninth grade. He’s kind of a goof ball, and immature at times but the heart wants what it does for some reason. I saw him as a huge annoyance in sixth grade and then seventh grade rolled around and we were in the same class for the first time. As the school year started off, he became more accustomed to me. At first for a while, I just viewed him as a friend. He was super funny and all and I think that’s why I liked to hang around him so much. Then, we got a little closer. We talked all the time and it was great. I had a funny feeling he liked me, but I wasn’t sure. 

I told my friends about it, like I told them everything else and they too agreed he might actually like me. I was actually pretty flattered about it, I get flattered easily. I began to like him more. I think you get to the point with someone where you know the other person likes you but you don’t really do anything. That went on for a while until sometime in November. The rumor got around that You Know Who was going to ask me out. So I got kinda antsy, but it did happen. He handed me some pencils saying “Will you go out with me? - You Know Who” and yes, I still have a few of those lying around my room. I’d never been asked out before so I had no clue what to do. I went home, starred at the pencils admiringly and pondered on what to do. My gut instinct was to say no, but I really liked him. So then I sent him a nice email saying I liked him but I didn’t want a relationship right then. As I said before, he was a goof ball and still is one. Right then though, I’m not sure it bothered him to much. Being the nice person I was, I tried to be as kind as I could about it. That time, I think he was cool with it. Time rolled around and a few weeks later I had a feeling about him, probably the same one I do now. That girly lovey feeling. I proceeded to make one of many mistakes I made with him. I jumped the gun and sent one of those risky emails. You know what I’m talking about. I then apologized for like the billionth time but then, plot twist, asked him out myself saying I was ready. Clearly— I was not. As teens these days, we’re all connected heavily to technology. We were emailing a lot before he even asked me out and had for the most part continued after. And at the time that lovey feeling hit me, of course we were both in school in math, so this whole thing went on over email which many of these “things” went on over. Of course he said yes. 

You’d think, or at least I did, people wouldn't know about this, or know about it so fast. But, a few minutes later, his friend sitting next to him, who I’m sure he told as much stuff as I did to my friends, gave me a sly look. It was cool.. for the rest of math. And then I received many more “sly” smiles an nudges and comments from people throughout the day and on into the next few. He and I were pretty happy with it and emailed even more during the next few days and then, being the super indecisive person I was began to feel different about this whole thing. It was pretty embarrassing to me that everyone knew. We had a small school and grade so of course everyone was bond to find out somehow. So, again, politely, I “broke up” with You Know Who. He flew off the handle and did what every ADHD boy would do, went to bad to worse, angry to sad in a matter of time. He was really, really depressed the next day. He wouldn't interact at school or with his friends, and saddest of all me. He did what he’s done so many times: flat out ignored me. I often say I care too much about people to let them stay sad or angry so I did all I could think to do. Email. Email and say “I’m sorry. We can still be friends.” which I’ve said to him, who knows how many times. All I got back from him was a video link to “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink. Of course I listened to it and then later said “I don’t even know anymore” I was so sorry about what happened. Apparently he didn’t understand that and that made him more mad. He said he would never talk to me again and he pretty much didn't for the rest of the school year. 

We were both pretty fine with it. Then the last few weeks of school came around. Again I sent him another “apology” email and asked if we could start over. He was on board with it thankfully and we were both happy to start talking again. We emailed but then lost connection for most of the summer since school shut our school email accounts down over the summer for which we were emailing on. The last thing he said was he probably couldn't talk for the next three weeks because he was going to his grandparent’s farm. I thought it was a fib, but replied something like “Ok. I won't be able to either since I’m going to China soon. Have fun!”. He actually did go to the farm I found out later but we still didn't talk for basically all of summer until the week or two after I got back from my trip right before school started. Again, what girl doesn't tell her friends everything? I asked my one friend if she could find out his iMessage or number because she had social media accounts then and I didn’t. She did by asking one of his friends and she then gave it to me. 

I iMessaged him and said it was me. He at first wondered how I got it and then I told him. We began talking normally. I told him about my trip and he told me about his. He said, after we had talked for a while, that he wanted to really make it up to me for the past school year and that he might want to do something in person. I was flattered and I said it would be nice. I suggested the carnival which was in a few weeks. I didn’t really think anything would happen though. After this he got a snapchat so we could see each other. We talked a lot on there. It took our restarted friendship to a stronger connection. I then was even aloud to get an Instagram which he has as well. We followed each other on there, but still talked more on Snapchat. We entered a kind of “flirtationship” I guess you could call it. 

Back to school night came and he was there. I walked into the class room and surprisingly, he was there. He said hi to me and I just smiled. I wanted to talk but I was nervous and our teacher was right there too. We didn’t get to talk anymore in person that night but when I got home we once again Snapchatted. We talked about where our lockers were and those sort of things. We remained talking after school started and had a good friendship. Soon, it was carnival time. I had been looking forward to this all summer hoping to make some fantastic memories seeing it was my last year and everyone else’s too at the school. The carnival lasted for two days. On the first night, a Friday, I didn’t see him since he didn't come so I hung out with other friends which was of course really fun. As eighth graders, we were in charge of running the food station. My mom was in charge of it all so of course I was constantly helping. I worked three shifts but somehow enjoyed it. I worked one with my best friend and this one guy which turned out to be a blast ice-cubing each other and silly stuff like that. The second day then followed which was the day he was there. Again, I worked my shifts but this time was able to interact more with friends, most importantly, You Know Who. 

I knew I wanted to make these memories and I was determined to too. I asked my friend if she could ask him if he would want to ride the Ferris Wheel with us. I was excited and nervous at what he would say. He said yes and we rode three to a cart two times. Then we proceeded to different rides all together which was great fun. Sadly, he had to leave halfway through the afternoon unexpectedly. Not to worry though, he Snapchatted my friend and I and told us he’d be back. During the evening, he did come back. We bought some tickets and my friend and I and him went on yet some more different rides. I was really planning to not be left alone with him, but I was. So we rode some rides together alone. We rode the Ferris Wheel alone even though a few boys in my grade poked fun. Secretly, I had literally dreamed of riding the Ferris Wheel alone with someone and it was now happening. After that, we rode a few other rides and then it was time to work my actual scheduled shift. He had told me he’d be right back and went to chase one of his friends. I ran right inside after that, I somewhat wanted to get away from riding rides with him even though it was all I hoped for. Oh yeah, that night was absolutely perfect. It was all I ever wanted so of course I was extremely happy. I went back outside to work my shift and caught him and told him sorry and that my mom had grabbed me to work another shift. He laughed and said it was totally fine. I then worked my shift. 

You Know Who didn't leave without saying goodbye. He told me he was leaving and I asked for a hug. He hugged me and then left. The night wasn't over yet, since of course I had to help clean up the whole food booth and everything but I left the carnival realizing I accomplished everything I wanted to from it. I was nevertheless happy about it and for the next week and if I’m honest, I still am. However, as I had feared, he mis-read me wrong and began talking to one of my friends about how we should go out or if we should. I Snapchatted him one day and told him how great of a time I had had. He then of course responded with something like: “Yah, about that..”

I figured he was talking and weaseling his way into asking me out again and told me to ask my friend that he had talked to about it. I was right and he wanted to have a relationship. As I said earlier, I wanted what I got out at the carnival. That was it, that was all I wanted, a cute, romantic moment as I had described it. A memory made. He didn't understand that and sadly again extremely angry with me because I didn’t want a relationship again. I gave him my reasons, and in good depth and explanation too. He, yet again didn't understand and did what he did best: ignored me completely. He even blocked me on snapchat. I knew I had to let him go, and I even told him that. We didn't talk after that for three weeks. When I found myself missing him, I looked at his Instagram. I was bored and wanted to see if he even still followed me. As I scrolled down the list of who he was following, I was incredibly shocked to see him following tons of porn accounts. I was then glad I didn’t have anything to do with him anymore. I told my mom and she agreed. Then again, I told my two closet friends. Then the information got into the hands of the wrong person who was ease dropping on that conversation. At a football game, You Know Who started to find out from that wrong person and from my two friends I told. He confronted the person and asked why he started “that rumor”. The person said I told him when I really didn’t. The person had told so many people that I told him that when he was the one spreading the rumors that weren’t even rumors or started to ruin his reputation. At that point and time, he and I weren’t even talking.

The next day, I got an email from him angrily asking why I spread the rumor. I told him the truth that I didn't and he didn't listen. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. He didn't email me anymore. That issue though, never left my mind. It worried me through fear every school day. Somebody heard that he had told our school principal, when in reality, never happened.  It worried me through a week’s worth of sleepless nights. The point came to where the problem couldn't sit any longer being unresolved between the two of us. I told my mom and a trusted teacher what had happened. This teacher knew both him and I well and was especially fond of me. He talked to me and then him and in the end, You Know Who apologized for the mean emails he sent and he just wanted the problem to be over with. He said this to me in person which helped so much. A month has gone by and we are both neutral and at good terms now that it is resolved. The only thing that faces us now is the future.

There you have it. My story. It’s a long story too actually. You’re probably wondering why I wrote it, why I wrote so much. If you remember in my story, I talked about that “girly, lovey feeling”. Today, I was faced with that same feeling. Funnily enough, I even thought about emailing him, and I’ll think you’ll agree it’s good that I didn’t. As a teenage girl, I’m just another person who hopes for love daily. I want what my heart wants and I dream about my wildest imagination. Through this whole journey with him, I was looking for that feeling. That sense of satisfaction and validation. I often felt with him when I tried to express how I felt, it was like he didn't get it, and if he didn't get it and there was a problem, then it must be wrong. That my feelings just had to be wrong, they didn't matter, obviously there was this whole problem facing me, they just must be wrong. 

Now I’ve stepped back and I realized that they do matter. I’m here to tell you that your feelings matter. Especially in a situation with a boy. If you’re not comfortable with something or doing something, give yourself credit for the way you feel. You count, your feelings count, your heart counts, and your outlook counts.

Let’s face it. This isn't the cure for these lovey feelings us girls face daily. Dream on, fantasize. That’s what it’s like to be a girl. Many people have told me it’s dumb to want some happy ending or disney reality. Well, it’s not. The point here is is that you count! These things you feel are real and you have the right to feel them. Don’t let someone push you around, whether it be a “You Know Who” or one of your friends. You matter, You count, You can love, and you have every right and ability to do it.