Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I woke up in a room with doctors in white lab coats surrounding me. I tried to move, but my wrists, ankles, and head were tied down with straps. I can’t remember anything. For instance how I got here, who they were, or anything. I can’t even think of my name. My memory has been completely wiped. Just then a man in a suit stepped forward and stood over me. He was smiling as if he had just accomplished something.
“How do you feel,” he asked me.
“Horrible. What’s going on,” I asked weakly.
“This is the new you,” he said smiling ear to ear.
*One Month Earlier*
As I was walking home, I was thinking about what was happening to the government. All over the world the governments were literally going to Hell.They think that it is the best way to create a new government that will do better than the old. They thought it was a better way to improve the economy. They were broadcasting these channels that were supposed to brainwash most of the people, but a few lucky people caught onto what they were doing. The few lucky ones destroyed their TVs and went into hiding. The government were rounding up people under or the age of 16 to create some kind of isolated group of kids they could brainwash into believing in what they believe in. They thought that children 15 to 16 would be the perfect people to do their dirty work for them. The children 3 to 14 were being trained to be the future leaders of the world. My town had caught onto what the government was doing in enough time to protect everyone. Now, the entire town lives in the underground tunnels.
My older brother who's 18, my mother, my father, and I are all that's left of my family. My other brother, Cavin, was the first to be lost to this. He came here looking for us after the whole town went underground. I crept out onto the deserted streets one night while everyone one was asleep and met him. I could tell it wasn't him from the very beginning because his once bright eyes were now dull. He kept trying to convince me to come with him. That I would have a better future with them, but I kept saying... screaming no. As I tried to walk away, he grabbed my wrist and started to drag me down the street toward a car. I screamed at the top of my lungs and put up a hell of a fight, but he was too strong. When I was about to be thrown into the backseat of the car, there was a beer bottle laying on the side of the street, so I picked it up with my free hand and hit him upside the head. He collapsed onto the street. I immediately took off running as fast as I could. When I was sure he wasn't following me, I went underground. That memory is what keeps me fighting against the entire government. They took someone who I loved. I will eventually get my revenge.
I grabbed my bag because today was my day to go get the necessary supplies for the town.
Before I could even get to the top of the stairs, my mother grabbed my wrist and exclaimed, "What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm going to get food and stuff for the town. Now can you please let go," I said looking down at the ground.
"Um you're not going. You're only 16, Anna," she sternly said.
"It's my day, and I'm going," I said, and I pried my wrist free from her hold.
Before she could say anything else, I was out in the open. The next town, Macen, was about ten miles east of the Yanzee River. I looked up at the birds flying above me and smiled. This is what life should be about. Not some corrupt idiotic government enslaving people.
One hour later...
There was one abandoned small family owned business that was at the edge of Macen stocked full of canned food. It looked normal on the outside, but in the inside it looked like a haunted house. There were cobwebs everywhere. The paint was coming off the walls. Rats were also a major concern. I tried to ignore that as I quietly went in through the back door. I need to get out of here as quickly and quietly as I can. I quickly tiptoed over to canned food isle and stuffed my bag halfway full of canned foods. Then I grabbed bottles of water and put them in my bag. As I was walking toward the back door, a gigantic rat with beady eyes and razor sharp yellow teeth scurried over my foot. I jumped back, dropped my bag, and let out a muffled squeak. In horror, the rat ran off into a small hole in the wall. I quickly picked up the bag and started to run as quietly as I could.
No one was around to have heard me rummaging around in the store. I quickly started to walk in the opposite direction. I decided to take a short cut through the woods. The woods would be the safest place for me right now. I took the trail that I used to hike when I was younger with my mother. I was soon lost in my own thoughts as I walked back home. Before I even realized it, I was downtown about a quarter mile from the entrance to our secret town.
Just then a huge black van pulled up to the stop sign in front of me. I knew it was the government’s van because they have been all over the news. I dropped my bag and started to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I heard heavy footsteps behind me, but I kept running until I got into the city. I made a left, and I was in a dead end alley. I turned around to see three huge men in black suits standing there. One of them had a needle, one had a gun, and the last one had a folder.
The one in front stepped forward and said, “Listen, we don’t want to hurt you. We just want you to come with us. We’ve seen your school records. We could use someone like you. We could offer you anything in the world if you come with us willingly.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a metal pole laying on top of a garbage can.
“What makes you think I would want to come with you willingly? Why would I ever want to believe in enslaving people just to make the economy better,” I yelled loudly.
Before they could say or doing anything, I grabbed the metal pole and threw it at the man who was holding the gun. It hit him in the head, and he fell over unconscious. The other two men ran at me as I frantically searched for something to defend myself, but before I could find anything the man with the folder pinned me against the wall. The other man plunged the needle into my neck. Then I felt my head getting all foggy. Everything around me started to spin and get hazy. The last thing I could remember was me falling to the ground, and a man picking me up. When I woke up, I was in a black leather chair. My wrists and ankles were bound to the arms and legs of the chair with straps. My head was pounding. A huge black desk was sitting in front of me. Behind the desk, was a huge man wearing an all-black suit with a black tie. His hair was slicked down to the side and neatly parted on the side. He looked to be about thirty. His eyes were an eerie color of gray. He was holding a folder filled with papers.
He finally said, “Nice to meet you, Anna. My name’s Sam Diller. The restraints are just a precaution we have to take.”
“How do you know my name,” I whispered as I struggled to break free.
He smiled and said, “This folder contains all of your medical information, school records, birth certificate, and achievement records. I obtained it shortly before my men caught you. You have no reason to fear us though. We want to give you the best possible way of living.”
“So you’re part of the government, broke the medical privacy law, and have no reason to kidnap me,” I questioned.
“Sweetheart, I have all the reason to take you. You will be a valuable asset to us as soon as you undergo some necessary procedures, but first I have one question to ask,” he said.
I started to open my mouth to say something, but he interrupted.
“Where is your town hiding,” he asked.
I laughed and exclaimed, “Why would I tell you that? So you can ‘take’ and brainwash them too? No freaking way.”
“There’s no need to get an attitude. Just tell me where they are,” he said getting annoyed.
“No,” I shouted.
He sighed and hissed, “Then, we will have to do this the hard way.”
He slammed the folder down on his desk and pressed a button on the intercom.
A woman said, “Yes, Mr. Diller?”
He looked at me, smiled, and said, “Will you send in Mr. Taylor and Mrs. Wills?”
She said, “Of course sir.”
A few seconds later, a cruel looking man and woman wearing lab coats came walking in. They were rolling a cart that had needles, an IV drip, and monitor on it. I started to struggle against the restraints, but it wouldn’t budge. When I turned around, one of the men stuck a needle in my neck. I could feel the warm liquid flowing through my veins. My eye lids started to get heavy, but they didn’t close. Then, they put a needle connected to an IV into my hand. After that, they put wires that were connected to the monitor on my forehead. They moved over to the side of the room with the monitor.
Mr. Diller was still sitting behind the desk watching me.
He said, “The liquid that they just injected you with will make your body and mind relax. The liquid that’s in the IV will make you tell the truth about anything I ask you. There’s no use in trying to resist it.”
I couldn’t hold up my head anymore, so it lolled to the side. He got out of his chair and sat on the edge of his desk right in front of me.
“Now, where is your town hiding,” he asked.
I felt the overwhelming desire to tell him where they were at. The drugs were making it harder and harder to keep it a secret. I bit my tongue so hard that I could taste blood. I started to shake my head trying to get the drugs outs of my head.
Then, one of the scientist said, “Sir, she’s resisting it. Do you want us to up the dosage?”
Mr. Diller looked at me and said, “You’re more special than we thought. Up the dosage.”
One of the scientists pushed a button, and I suddenly couldn’t fight the drugs anymore.
“They’re hi-hiding them in the o-old t-tunnels under-underground,” I mumbled.
“There are no records that there are tunnels under that town,” Mr. Diller said.
“That’s be-because i-it was kep-pt a s-secret,” I shakily mumbled.
He walked closer to me and put his hand on my face and said, “You see that wasn’t so hard. You’ve been a big help.”
He looked over at the scientists and nodded. My eyelids finally shut completely.
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Hey Music!
I guess I should start off with a big giant welcome to YWS! I hope you'll enjoy yourself here.
Alright, this was a pretty interesting story, despite parts of it being confusing. I'm a big science fiction fan, they always have such potential.
What I thought you did quite well was the setup for the story you will elaborate on soon. As we read through the flashback, towards the end of it, we realize that the main character won't remember any of this and is completely in their control. At least I'm guessing that's what's going on. It would make sense for them to erase her memory after they got the information they needed.
However, one thing that didn't make sense:
You follow this up with the flashback, so you are obviously setting this up as him telling her what happened almost as we read it in the flashback, right? Why on earth would they tell her what had happened? This seems to be how you wrote it.
I also found several grammatical errors here and there, the dialogue could use a brush up, and a better paragraph formatting would be awesome. But otherwise, I liked what I saw.
I'll write as I go along:
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One word. And if you center this text, as well as the next One Months Earlier line, they look a lot better. You can do this by putting them in these (just add on an R on the last one): [center]Text[/cente]
However, please avoid using this as an intro for flashbacks. You can allude to all this in writing. Your next One Months Earlier line serves well on it's own as well. So just stick to that one. And center it.
Okay, now we're coming to the heart of your story. And I'll be frank here; this is ridiculous. Completely absurd. If you tagged this as a comedy piece it would be pretty awesome, but sadly no.
The Government would never in their right mind issue this order. And if they all by some strange occurance lost their minds simultaniously, you could bet that the population would fight back. In fact they couldn't muster up the loyalty or manpower to follow it through.
And what about other countries? Is the USA completely to blame for all the troubles in the world?
I'm sorry if this seemed harsh, I'm just pointing out a major flaw in the logic.
Indeed.
Let's continue!
Suggestion
I heard heavy footsteps behind me, but I kept running until I got into the city.
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Uneccessary comma.
In the beginning, you wrote she was tied down with straps, here you write rope. Which is it?
Even if it's not the same location, I don't really see Government agents bringing her back to this place and tying her up with rope.
Suggestion
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You use 'I said' a little too much. Try to mix it up a bit. Making the dialogue sound a bit more natural.
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Alright, and that's your first chapter. One thing I'm really missing is some more description of your main character. I have no idea what she looks like and I'm unsure of her age. She could be anything under 16.
As for the overall story, despite a huge laspse in general logic, it's a pretty interesting one. I'm a little intrigued to find out what this girl is going to do. Maybe she will actually work for them now? Hunting down other kids? That would be a cool twist. (Although, all these people who captured her are totally up for dying because of economics, so I have problems understanding their plans.)
You also have a lot of grammatical errors throughout the piece, but they will definately disappear with time. They are not a big problem. What you do have, is a lot of imagination. That's always the key.
Looking forward to your future writings.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks! I took your suggestions and went back through it. I changed some things, and I added a more in depth back story for the main character!
I like your story and your concept. The premise is really interesting, and I like your characters, but they coupd use a little tweaking to make them more realistic. Your narrrator seems to know too much, and she seems too relaxed when in a very stressful and scary situation. The government men were too blunt, and their dialogue didn't sound realistic. The writing itself didn't flow super well, and your narrator's tone seemed a little flat, like she wasn't the one who experienced the things she was talking about. The flashback could have been introduced more fluidly. Also, when you end dialogue with a question you should include a question mark, and it should be inside the quotation marks.
Sorry if that was a wee harsh, but I was saving the good stuff for last. You do a really good job of balancing out "said" and other words like "asked" or "murmured" amd words like that. Most authors either use said too much or not enough, but you were able to mix it up while still knowimg where a simple "he said" would have been perfectly fine. I also like the way you ended it. It was a gppd stoppinf point, plus it wasn't overly dramatic but it wasn't boromg either. Your story seems pretty well planned out, and I'm super excited to read the upcoming chapters!
Thanks for the advice! I went back through and edited some stuff. I hope to be adding more chapters soon!
I think this is a creative idea you have here, I really like the interactions between characters , and the plot you have going on. Now here comes the bad part of this little speech, In the beginning paragraph , and some other places around the story, you over used the word "like". Similes are fine to use, but try not to over use the word "like". You can use "," , or even just rewording it. Don't worry it's just a phase, I did it a lot when I was in 7th grade ,and I drove my teacher insane. You'll get the hang of not using it too much. That's really it , I have no big issue with this piece. I can't wait to see what you do from here, you seem like a great writer, and I am sure to follow your story till the end.
Thanks! I got rid of some of the likes and substituted them for other things. Hope you like it!