You clearly have enough ability to make this work, but there is quite a bit of polishing to be done. See spoiler.
Spoiler! :
Each step lingered on the broken road,
as i submerged into a two dimensional world. Opening is being bogged down with heady language. These two lines make no sense in relation to one another and the idea of "submerging" into "two dimensions" is a big stop sign- how exactly would this even be possible?
The marble lake and blind sky, "Marble lake" is trite. You can do better, as evidenced by "blind sky" which I prefer infinitely.
blurred into a single blank page.
[color]Does this opening stanza make the slightest bit of sense as a unit? Barely. Poetry is not about confusion and obfuscating, it's about clarity in space.[/color]
Enthusiasm was left as a ghost behind me,
wilted like the daisies, sore from rain beatings.
Hazy birds suspended from space
were the lone sounds in the morning ether.
So much better of a stanza. There is a cohesive image, the beginnings of a narrative, and somewhere to go.
The rain fell like snow, Worst simile of all time? The truck drove like a car, the man walked like a dog, the sun shone like a lamp... ect, ect.
tickling eerily throughout my skin.There's nothing terrible about "tickling eerily" except it just doesn't sound that great. It's partly redundant, I think.
A faint figure materialized from the white darkness. White darkness? I don't think so, I doubt any poet is good enough to make that phrase work. Also, "faint figure materialized" is a little redundant, and it doesn't have any of the emotion that it needs. Scrap this entire line, and say it all better.
I knew he was a man by the way he walked. No. Show, don't tell. WHAT about its walking made its gender clear?
Sheltered under a hood to big for his head Omit needless words. There are a host of shorter ways to say "too (not "to" by the way) big for his head"
his face was buried in shadow. Again, a little on the cliche side.
Curiosity burned bright inside of me,
as my questions seemed to escalate. Cumbersome line. "Questions" or "escalate" - pick.
You're working the light/dark imagery fairly well, but the creativity in your metaphors and similes has been rather dry throughout. Something to work on for the future?
An icy zephyr enclosed me The day I see "zephyr" well used in a poem is the day I never speak English again. Don't.
Hugging my flimsy sweaty closer Sweater?
i was overcome by the smell
of molasses, and laundry detergent. Uh... why?
The stranger passed so near by me,
Ithought i could here his heartbeat. "hear", also it's more powerful if you scratch "thought"
I bid him good morning
as his footsteps faded beyond me.
So wait, you said "good morning" after he passed you? Clarify?
concentrating on his response Oh, so he didn't pass you?
I guessedwhat he'd say, what he'd sound like.
was his voice scratchy and old,
or smooth like a lake stone?
Nice last two lines!
The moment was trebling with insensitivity, For your ending you use a word like "insensitivity"? What was your reason? Go on, give me a reason for that. Spoiler: It's a bad reason.
But only silence followed.
It's alright. Says too little in too much space. You couldprobably definitely do this in half the space.Consider a rewrite.
as i submerged into a two dimensional world. Opening is being bogged down with heady language. These two lines make no sense in relation to one another and the idea of "submerging" into "two dimensions" is a big stop sign- how exactly would this even be possible?
The marble lake and blind sky, "Marble lake" is trite. You can do better, as evidenced by "blind sky" which I prefer infinitely.
blurred into a single blank page.
[color]Does this opening stanza make the slightest bit of sense as a unit? Barely. Poetry is not about confusion and obfuscating, it's about clarity in space.[/color]
Enthusiasm was left as a ghost behind me,
wilted like the daisies, sore from rain beatings.
Hazy birds suspended from space
were the lone sounds in the morning ether.
So much better of a stanza. There is a cohesive image, the beginnings of a narrative, and somewhere to go.
The rain fell like snow, Worst simile of all time? The truck drove like a car, the man walked like a dog, the sun shone like a lamp... ect, ect.
tickling eerily throughout my skin.There's nothing terrible about "tickling eerily" except it just doesn't sound that great. It's partly redundant, I think.
A faint figure materialized from the white darkness. White darkness? I don't think so, I doubt any poet is good enough to make that phrase work. Also, "faint figure materialized" is a little redundant, and it doesn't have any of the emotion that it needs. Scrap this entire line, and say it all better.
I knew he was a man by the way he walked. No. Show, don't tell. WHAT about its walking made its gender clear?
Sheltered under a hood to big for his head Omit needless words. There are a host of shorter ways to say "too (not "to" by the way) big for his head"
his face was buried in shadow. Again, a little on the cliche side.
Curiosity burned bright inside of me,
as my questions seemed to escalate. Cumbersome line. "Questions" or "escalate" - pick.
You're working the light/dark imagery fairly well, but the creativity in your metaphors and similes has been rather dry throughout. Something to work on for the future?
An icy zephyr enclosed me The day I see "zephyr" well used in a poem is the day I never speak English again. Don't.
Hugging my flimsy sweaty closer Sweater?
i was overcome by the smell
of molasses, and laundry detergent. Uh... why?
The stranger passed so near by me,
I
I bid him good morning
as his footsteps faded beyond me.
So wait, you said "good morning" after he passed you? Clarify?
concentrating on his response Oh, so he didn't pass you?
I guessed
was his voice scratchy and old,
or smooth like a lake stone?
Nice last two lines!
The moment was trebling with insensitivity, For your ending you use a word like "insensitivity"? What was your reason? Go on, give me a reason for that. Spoiler: It's a bad reason.
But only silence followed.
It's alright. Says too little in too much space. You could
Points: 4832
Reviews: 199
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