z

Young Writers Society



When James Met Adrienne

by murtuza


She had hair of the darkest of browns. Each fibre delicately flowed along her slightly freckled visage but still being sure not to obscure that gleam found deep within those hazel green eyes. The more she brushed them aside, the more they weaved back. Strong, short bursts of jasmine scented the air as she glided through her long locks with peach-glistened nails perfectly carved atop her slender and fragile fingers.

All of this was too much of a distraction for poor James to bear. Paying attention to her sparkling, highly animated conversation and remaining composed enough not to accidentally drop his jaw a second time at her undeniably obvious beauty and charm was a task he seemed he would accomplish with great toil. Somewhere amidst the chatter of his bubbly and expressive acquaintance, he slipped into a bit of nostalgia recalling how on earth he managed to have a date with Adrienne Clifford - Pop Star, youth icon and budding internationally acclaimed Hollywood actress.

It all started about a week back or so, if James could accurately remember. He had gone to a party with his friend Gerald, who by most accounts was always aware of the ‘hottest’ happenings and ‘places to be’. All accounts made by Gerald, of course.

“T-G-I-F, man!” Gerald had happily spelled to James as they both entered The Expresso Café and Bar, South of Harvey street by 35th and 3rd. “I told you, this is the hottest place to be bro!”

The light ambience and chirpy, young, cool crowd were a welcoming sight. Gerald’s enthusiastic and loud voice could be heard from the far corners of the joint even though the music was on.

“Yeah, I’ll be at the bar getting a beer if you need me,” James responded as he walked towards his destination. His weary tone and tired state worried his closest friend of 4 years. The always joy-emitting, carefree smirk on Gerald’s face now turned into a concerned frown. James had been buried deep in books for 4 days and hadn’t seen the light of day or even the silver of the moon. Finals were coming up in 2 weeks and college wasn’t in its best of phases. Gerald, on the other hand was quite the opposite. Exams weren’t the biggest thing on his list and he planned on enjoying what was left of his college days. Besides, having a rich entrepreneurial father had its advantages for Gerald but the same could not be said of James for his modest background and preoccupied personality gave him little reason to rejoice or celebrate at the moment. But never-the-less, James had to come out of the house some time or the other. And ‘Gerry’ (as James called him) made sure he got a break; even if it meant he needed to drag him out of the house… along with his books.

Time passed on at The Expresso and Gerald had wandered off to the lounges to socialize with the girls leaving James to himself at the bar still with his half-drunken glass of beer. He bothered himself to ponder about the Economics of the diminishing marginal utility and whether he should have been of the impression that his beer mug was half empty or half full. He was dreaming about studies night and day. Something had to give. And something did.

“May I please have this bench?” a soft yet crisp voice had entered James’s ears. He interrupted his flow of highly concentrated thought to look over to see who was addressing him. It was a woman dressed in a long black dress. Her hair was somewhat wrapped inside a pashmina-like scarf for all James could make of it and she was wearing sunglasses for some odd reason. If anyone had to make out her face, they would be stumped; much like James was. She gestured towards the bar stool beside him. It took him a few seconds to come back from the repositories of his mind but he did eventually and then carefully analysed the words she had spoken to make sure he understood and could respond to them properly so that he didn’t make the mistake of saying something silly like Yes, the law of Demand states that the need of an asset is inversely proportional to the cost of the asset. Hence-proved. James wasn’t the best at socializing but no, he certainly wasn’t the worst. At least according to him, that is.

“S-sure, please do,” he replied. He made sure to pleasantly smile and greet her. She complied and did the same. He somehow felt there to be something shady about her, though. Why was she dressed up so thickly in the night? And why is she trying to hide her face? His inquisitiveness had got him into wonderment and then ponderment. This was reason enough for him to stop boggling about economic theories. He was thinking about approaching her and making conversation since she was sitting alone and didn’t seem like she was expecting company. He made eye-contact with her just as she was about to with him. He was about to mutter a word when she started.

“My, this place really does have the best cocktails,” she said, not acknowledging that James was about to mention something just before her.

“Why yes, Expresso is the best place for liquor and coffee.” he replied. He thought it okay to have her start off the conversation if he could steer it eventually.

“So do you live around here?” she asked

“Yeah, just a couple of blocks down the street.”

“That’s great, so that means you can come here whenever you want, so lucky!”

James chuckled. “Not really, I’ve got college to worry about in the morning. So I don’t come here as much as I’d like to. Just sometimes to unwind.”

“I see. So what degree are you pursuing in college? I haven’t attended college yet. But I did want to become an architect when I was in high school,” she said, trying to relate to James.

“Business Administration, Masters. I’m looking forward to being a Chartered Accountant,” he said, with great emphasis on the words since those were the very words that constantly rang in his head every single day, reminding him of his goal and of how he needed to study to achieve it.

“That sounds really office-y! I just can’t imagine myself doing brainy work. I get all confused with numbers and decimals and accounts and stuff. I’m more of an artsy type,” she replied and then giggled a bit. James was taken by surprise by her sudden change in voice from being slightly calm and composed to being quick and up-tempo. It all somehow reminded him of someone. He wasn’t really sure of that but there was something vaguely familiar about her voice that urged him to ponder more. He was suddenly reminded of the question he wanted to ask her regarding her wardrobe. He didn’t realize how the short conversation brought out much life from the lady.

“So--”

“Is that your friend there who’s walking towards us?” she again interrupted. James looked to where she was pointing to find a tipsy Gerald approaching. It was his signal that they needed to return home.

“Bro! Like, we need to get back to the pad. I might just fall over if I’m not too careful,” Gerald said as he took his final steps to reach James. He was too inebriated to notice the woman seated on the next bench but he could be excused for it since he was trying his best to balance himself on the ground by clasping onto James’s shoulder.

“Alright, Gerry, whatever you say. Why don’t you go grab your coat and I’ll meet you at the door?” James said to his excessively spirited friend.

“Sounds like a…. a plan, man,” Gerald responded and tried to navigate himself towards the coats hanger. James kept an eye on him to make sure he didn’t trip himself.

“Your friend seems nice,” The still-unidentified-seemingly-young-and-energetic-yet-familiar-woman said. She giggled and then looked at James as if expecting a final word before he would leave her company.

“Yeah, he’s quite a guy,” James replied. He quickly changed gears and then asked the much anticipated query that had been teasing his ever so curious mind but had evaded him since now. “I wanted to ask you this before, but if you don’t mind my curiosity, why are you so thickly dressed? I bet you can’t see too well with those sunglasses on in the dim light here,”

“Oh yeah, I’ll show you why. But first, let’s make a date to meet again. Same time next week? I’d love to get to know you more,” she said. This time, she spoke with a resounding confidence and personality in her voice. It made James nervous because no girl would actually ask him anything like this. He wanted to say yes, but then paused for a while but eventually…

“Sure, it’s a date,” he said, making it sound as normal as possible. This would be his official first date. He didn’t know what he was getting in to. To James, this girl was a random stranger whom he’d just met and he didn’t even know her name. Neither did she, but she knew much more about him than he would have wanted to know about her. In the 20 years of his life, he had never been this unsure of any decision. But he decided to ‘wing it’ as Gerry would put it. “I’m James, by the way,” he added, just to make sure she didn’t seem it odd not to know his name.

“Nice to meet you, James, I’m--”

*THUD*

Gerald had tripped himself on the stools on his way to the coats. James regretted being distracted from keeping him in his sight. The café-cum-bar was now empty. There were only 6 people inside including Gerald, James and his acquaintance, the bartender and two others who were seated in the far end of the bar. He quickly rushed to Gerald and dusted him off. He helped pick Gerald up and put one of his arms around his shoulders to prevent any further situation similar to this. James’s best friend was now in a semi-slumber. All he could do now was hold on and make sure he was watching his legs.

“Off we go, Gerry,” James said as he went ahead to the front door. His new and still mysterious acquaintance giggled all the while.

James looked over Gerry’s shoulder to see his now official date and gesture a farewell. She looked at him and smiled. She removed her scarf and took off her shades and waved. She bobbed her index finger to remind James of the upcoming rendezvous he had with her.

There it was. That brown shiny hair and those freckles. James dropped his jaw down and it fell on Gerry’s shoulder so hard, it woke him from the snooze he was having.

“No wonder she did it. She’s Adrienne Clifford!” James proclaimed to himself. Adrienne giggled again at James’ expression and waved at him. He waved back and then smiled to her a smile that hinted a certain kind of attained understanding. She gently nodded and was soon out of sight.

“Wha- di- you say, bro?” Gerald said, the smell of alcohol ceasing to stay in his mouth any longer.

“Nothing, Gerry. Let’s get you to bed now,” James said as he continued walking towards their block, all the while imagining how his date would go with Adrienne next Friday.

James brought himself back from his day-dreaming about that night. In-fact, he felt it quite humorous and ironic since imagining a date with Adrienne Clifford would actually be qualified as being day-dreaming. But here he was doing just that. He came back to the one-sided conversation. Back to those same bar-stools, back to having a half-drunk container of beverage, this time it was coffee. Back to being at the Expresso Café and Bar. Adrienne was being her distinctively characteristic and expressive self. She didn’t need to hold back since now James knew who she really was. She knew he could keep it a secret. She knew he would understand that just because she was famous, it did not mean she wasn’t a normal person who wanted to come to bars and talk with strangers and even have a date, even though doing the latter would be a tad uncharacteristic for few.

She even noticed him intently listening to her rambling. She was sure that at some point, he veered away and began to seemingly gaze into her hair. But she was fine with it. She knew this was normal. She knew that James was trying his best to be polite and… normal. She knew he was genuine. They continued talking but still like before, there was more talk from her than him.

“So what about the first time you fell in love?” Adrienne randomly brought about the topic.

“Um, I haven’t really found someone yet,” James replied rather hesitantly since he wasn’t very acute in the field of ‘Love’. “What about you? I’m sure you must have had many people fall for you, right?”

“Hah. No, not really. There just never seemed to be any time for me to wait for anyone with work and shows and what-not. How would anyone want to fall in love with a person like that?” she answered. Her eyes grew deeper into James’s. He was as engrossed into her words as her eyes. There was silence for a while as they gazed at each other. It was as if they were speaking with their eyes. And with Adrienne’s expressions, it seemed like she dominated this conversation as well.

“You must have definitely been kissed though. Everyone is kissed at least once by now,” she said and renewed the vocal conversation. The girl of 20 years somehow said it with a mischievous grin of a girl of 12.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t Adi,”James responded, looking rather shameful that he had to say such a thing. His eyes searched for an alternate view but dropped to his coffee mug. It wasn’t that James never had crushes before. He wasn’t very familiar with the concept of love, especially if it came from someone other than his mother. He was yet to tread those waters and didn’t seem confident enough to set sail on them just yet. James felt that a person like Adrienne would have already had experiences with regard to affection and infatuation being the person she was… right?

James’s lips pursed. His black hair, which, a week ago had been messy and wild and all over his scalp, was now neat, combed and waved to the side. His blue eyes circled around the coffee mug in haste. He tried to think up something to soothe the awkward silence. He adjusted his spectacles a bit. The frame always had a habit of slipping down too low. He thought it was his turn to be a little mischievous now.

“Well, I would assume you’ve got quite the experience in the kissing department now don’t you?” James grinned. He felt content that he could now speak this casually with her. Even Adrienne felt a bit of relief to him open up to her. “So when did you have your first kiss?”

Adrienne looked up at him and grinned. As she looked at him, her gaze drew farther down towards the entrance to find one of her body guards waving at her and then pointing towards his wrist-watch to show her that her time was up and that her presence was needed at other places. James looked at the stout and bulky man suited in black and felt like he needed to gulp. Adrienne showed her index finger at the man as if to say, ‘one minute, let me wrap this up.’

The silence still lingered since James had asked her the question. She sweetly smiled at him and stood up, as did James. She reached for a pen from her bag and on a napkin, jotted down a private phone number, which only James could be privileged enough to know and handed it to him. James walked her to the entrance, knowing that maybe he might not really get to know the answer. Maybe he wouldn’t really want to know the answer. He gave Adrienne a glimpse as the two walked towards the doors. They both halted at the entrance and turned to each other to say their goodbyes. Only, none of them really said anything. They just smiled.

As they were in their world of smiles, Adrienne reached out towards James and gave him a soft, gentle kiss, much to his surprise and his delight.

“Just then,” Adrienne said, answering the much anticipated question once and for all.


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Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:51 pm
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beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Murteh! Here at last!

I just want to forewarn you, you’ve got a lot of very detailed reviews already and I haven’t read any of them, so apologies if I run over already trodden ground review wise!

Onwards!

Paying attention to her sparkling, highly animated conversation and remaining composed enough not to accidentally drop his jaw a second time at her undeniably obvious beauty and charm was a task he seemed he would accomplish with great toil. – This sentence is rather long and I had to read it over a few times before I understood it properly. I think I got confused around the ‘as task he seemed he would accomplish with great toil’ section. Perhaps think about breaking this up or adding in some punctuation. (I’ll apologise now for not pointing out exact grammar as I kind of suck at it!)

“May I please have this bench?” – This may just be me but…when she said bench I was like…is she really going to pick up a whole bench? Then later you said stool. So maybe if she said ‘seat’ it would be better?

He made eye-contact with her just as she was about to with him. He was about to mutter a word when she started. – This is me being picky but I don’t like repetition. Here it’s the ‘about to’ so perhaps you could find a different way to phrase this. Usually it throws me out of the story if something like this crops up.

just to make sure she didn’t seem it odd not to know his name. – Didn’t seem it odd is a little awkward as a phrase to read.

She looked at him and smiled. She removed her scarf and took off her shades and waved. She bobbed her index finger to remind James of the upcoming rendezvous he had with her. – You have three sentences here that all start with SHE. It gets a little monotonous so maybe you can think of other ways to phrase this and other words to use in reference to the woman. I know it’s hard since you haven’t named her yet.


She didn’t need to hold back since now James knew who she really was. She knew he could keep it a secret. She knew he would understand that just because she was famous, it did not mean she wasn’t a normal person who wanted to come to bars and talk with strangers and even have a date, even though doing the latter would be a tad uncharacteristic for few.

She even noticed him intently listening to her rambling. She was sure that at some point, he veered away and began to seemingly gaze into her hair. But she was fine with it. She knew this was normal. She knew that James was trying his best to be polite and… normal. She knew he was genuine. They continued talking but still like before, there was more talk from her than him.
– Heck of a lot of sentences that start with She again here and a lot that start with she knew. I’d change that up if I were you. Also…did we switch perspectives? Because a lot of this seems to be from Adrienne’s perspective and thoughts. If it’s intentional then you need to make it more obvious or it becomes confusing if you continually switch between their perspectives. Although third person allows you to skip around between different characters you still tend to need to stick to one perspective for chunks. So you need to decide if you want this story to be all from James’ perspective or if you want both of their perspectives.

Her eyes grew deeper into James’s – the imagery you’re trying to make here doesn’t really work for me. I don’t really get it and I can’t picture how that would look.

He was as engrossed into her words as her eyes – This feels a little awkward to me. Maybe something like ‘He was as engrossed in her words as he was in her eyes.’ Just flows a little better and makes more sense.

“You must have definitely been kissed though. Everyone is kissed at least once by now,” – This dialogue is a little awkwardly phrased. Perhaps it would be better like ‘You must have been kissed though. Everyone has been kissed at least once by our age.’ Just to make it more clear that you are talking about their ages.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t Adi,”James responded – This is the second time they’ve met, does it make sense for him to have a nickname for her already? I don’t think he really needs to say her name at that point anyway.

Even Adrienne felt a bit of relief to him open up to her – This doesn’t make sense to me and also it seems like you’ve switched perspectives again.

D’awwwwwwwwww the end is so cute!

Ok! So now to overall impressions!

One thing I got from the way you write is that, to me, sometimes it can seem very mechanical and it kind of doesn’t flow too well in places. Like a lot of the time it seems very specific, almost too specific and I am willing to let you get away with some of that because in some places it kind of lends itself to James’ character and how over analytical he can be but sometimes it doesn’t work well. It feels like you are giving the reader every tiny little bit of detail when most of the time we don’t need it. You can just give us a sense of what you are trying to portray and usually people can fill in the rest themselves.

You also sometimes have quite long sentences and use a lot of words that are not needed. You don’t always have to use the biggest words, or all the words, to describe something. You can simplify it and still have the meaning there. Sometimes it felt like I was wading through your words to get to the point of the sentences and if you do that too much then it gets a little tiring on the reader. It was a little like you were using the words just because you knew them and not because it was what best fitted the sentence. Try to avoid that.

I suppose this could be an example of that - All of this was too much of a distraction for poor James to bear. Paying attention to her sparkling, highly animated conversation and remaining composed enough not to accidentally drop his jaw a second time at her undeniably obvious beauty and charm was a task he seemed he would accomplish with great toil.

Do you really need undeniably and obvious in the same sentence? It’s kind of like you are repeating something. You’re saying it twice just with different words. I hope that makes sense!

As I mentioned in the above examples, you also tend to randomly switch to Adrienne’s perspective in the middle of a sentence. This is kind of off-putting especially since you have written the majority of the story from Adrienne’s perspective. So just watch that and decide if you want both of their perspectives to be part of this story.

Dialogue was pretty good for the most part. Just sometimes your specific way of writing crept into that dialogue and you need to remember that people don’t tend to speak in perfect English, that people speak more colloquial. Sometimes it came across as quite stiff and perhaps I would want more relaxed interaction between the two of them.

And lastly, I kind of felt like this wanted to be extended into a longer piece. It didn’t feel like a well rounded short story piece. It feels like there is a lot more to be told, especially with how much detail you give us in the flashbacks I feel like there is more that I would want to learn and need to learn about the other characters. James holds up well, I like his character and the sense of him we get but the others are a little two dimensional and need a little work I think.

Boy oh boy…I’ve rambled waaaay too much! I’ll shush now! I hope that has helped even a little and that it makes sense.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Bex x




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Mon Jun 11, 2012 4:23 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hey, guess who! Alright so let's see what we have here, I'll write down my thoughts as I read through and then aim to give you some more general advice at the end.

1. Opening sentence! Is that really the way you want to draw your reader in? Make it more interesting! A simple way to do this would be something along the lines of:

Tiger-eye. No, darker! Black sienna or the burned out hull of an old fishing boat. Dark brown. Dark as space where no light had ever found its way.

Alright so a very quick example. Tell you what, read Lolita. Nabokov can really tell you a lot about description.

2. It might be better to start at the party - you're too early to be flicking back in time. You haven't established a character or put a question in the reader's mind. You've done nothing to set up the 'present' world and the importance of that is your reader should want to be back in the future. For all their interest in the flash-back, a small grain of them should always be thinking about the present time and either trying to solve a puzzle or connect the dots.

3. Numbers in writing. Try to avoid it except when you've got a text message, an address or a mathematical sum. There's a few other exceptions too, but '4 years' should definitely be 'four years'. Four days. Two weeks. Etc.

4. Cliches. Avoid them! You've already stepped into the dangerous territory of an obvious romance so try to detract our attention from that. Don't throw 'the light of day' and 'sliver of moon' our way. Instead, try to ground your reader in this reality. Go for mundane, ordinary descriptions or ones that are so ingrained in your character that we get lost in them.

5. Telling. You're throwing too much information our way. Slow down and give us some dialogue or some fun interaction before you dump us in a history class. You have to make your reader care about the characters or the subject before you can expect them to sit through the more grueling part of storytelling: the background stories, the info dumps. You need to hook your fish before you stop and tell it a bedtime story. Okay, bad metaphor but trust me, give us an engaging scene before and show it to us. Don't tell. Not at all if you can help it but if there are things we must know, later in the story please.

6. I like James and I like his thoughts. Once you move on to that, this starts to get more interesting.

7. Overly wordy. You have a habit of rambling that's quite hard to pin down but you give us information that we don't need or want. You keep telling us things that we should be able to work out for ourselves from the dialogue and body language: we don't need every action explained. For example:

“My, this place really does have the best cocktails,” she said, not acknowledging that James was about to mention something just before her.


You don't have to tell us that she isn't acknowledging him or remind us that he was just about to say something. This is very repetetive and slows your narrative right down.

8. Too many clues! Do you think your readers are silly? You're being a bit too in our faces about the sunglasses and her familiar voice. Make these observations more vague and brief. Your reader knows who she is and we don't need you shouting about it. It's more fun if we have to work. Maybe even throw in a second female and make us guess which is her?

9. Chemistry. I'd like to see more between these two, it currently feels very stiff and formal. It doesn't feel like they're really connecting at all and yet she asks to meet him again? I think you need something more. Something that causes a spark between them. For example, Aladdin and Jasmine have that moment where both of them realise they share something: they both feel trapped. They also of course have the whole running away from armed guards thing but that scene gazing out at the pallace is crucial for their connection, otherwise she might just have been another pretty girl he saved. These two need something like that, a personal moment shared between them where they connect.

10. Uh... *Thud* seriously? Try again! That is not how you break suspence unless you're writing a comic book. This is not a comic book - fix it!

11. That girl really thinks something of herself if she just expects any random guy to recognise her. It would have been more entertaining if he didn't. If it was his friend who knew who she was instead and if it took James longer to realise. I don't know. It just feels like you need another layer of plot here somewhere. It's all too straight forward so far and lacking in conflict. It isn't happy endings that makes a story, it's conflict.

12. Just like that they both fully understand and know one another? It's not the most convincing romance so far ^^

13. James seems a little off at the moment. He's nervous about this and uncertain, yet he tells her the truth that he hasn't kissed anyone? It would seem more natural that he should lie. Generally those who confess to not having done something are confident in their own reasons and beliefs surrounding that. The people who lie are the ones who are nervous or the least experienced: nobody likes to admit how far behind everyone else they are. Especially intelligent people. Intelligent people have this ridiculous notion in their heads that they can approach it with logic and will soon catch up so they can just lie their way through until they have.

14. The ending was expected but I still found it sweet. It might have had more impact had things been that little less perfect, had James lied about his own experiences or something else.

Perspectives and Characterisation

Alright a few general comments then! I think you should have stuck with one perspective throughout because it's too short a piece for us to really get a strong grasp on more than one. One person's head is enough and their perspective of the other characters. It just makes for a stronger impression and brings less confusion to the table and more attatchment.

Conflict

You need some? Even romance has to have conflict. Even if it's just small things here and there, that's what holds your reader's interest. When there is no danger to the main characters, physical or mental, the reader doesn't particularly care. We need to see them overcome something.

Overall

You have a good framework for a story here but there's still a lot of work to do filling in the details. At the moment I like James as a character but feel that I don't know the others beyond their stereotype. I hope you'll take everything I say here with a pinch of salt: I'm a very harsh critiquer of romance so please, don't be put off. You've got some good lines of dialogue here that are certainly worth saving, you just need to add something more to the plot.

Feel free to ask me questions/ to take another look!

Heather xxx




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Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:11 am
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xXmusicaXx wrote a review...



Imma review this whether you like it or not. You finally posted something! Way to go, bro. :D

She had hair of the darkest of browns. Each fibre delicately flowed along her slightly freckled visage but still being sure not to obscure that gleam found deep within those hazel green eyes. The more she brushed them aside, the more they weaved back. Strong, short bursts of jasmine scented the air as she glided through her long locks with peach-glistened nails perfectly carved atop her slender and fragile fingers.


I loved your description of Adrienne, personally. You made sure that you gave enough to be able to imagine her, without being boring. The wide range of vocabulary also helped liven up something that is normally boring. However, the same made the rest of the rest of the story a little bland, as the vocab use wasn't consistent. You could, maybe use simpler words. It's just a nitpick, really.

Somewhere amidst the chatter of his bubbly and expressive acquaintance, he slipped into a bit of nostalgia recalling how on earth he managed to have a date with Adrienne Clifford - Pop Star, youth icon and budding internationally acclaimed Hollywood actress.

The entire highlighted bit sounds a bit off. It may just be me, but I think "slipped into a bit of nostalgia" could be replaced with something along the lines of "reminiscing". Easier, no?

It all started about a week back or so, if James could accurately remember (Again, sounds off.)

If it was last week, he would remember clearly.

Besides, having a rich entrepreneurial father had its advantages for Gerald, but the same could not be said of James. for His modest background and preoccupied personality gave him little reason to rejoice or celebrate at the moment.


Time passed on at The Expresso and Gerald had wandered off to the lounges to socialize with the girls, leaving James to himself at the bar still with his half-drunken glass of beer.

Nitpicks, but I'm sure even these wouldn't be there if you'd reised the piece once. :D

“May I please have this bench seat?” a soft yet crisp voice had entered (maybe "rang in", instead?) James’s ears.


It took him a few seconds to come back from the repositories of his mind, but he did eventually and then carefully analysed the words she had spoken to make sure he understood and could respond to them properly so that he didn’t make the mistake of saying something silly like Yes, the law of Demand states that the need of an asset is inversely proportional to the cost of the asset. Hence-proved.[/quote]
I liked that last sentence. :D

“My, this place really does have the best cock-tails,” she said, not acknowledging that James was about to mention something just before her.

It's "cocktails", unless you were really talking about cock's tails... It seems a little irrelevant though. *feebly attempts humor*
Were you trying to signify a break in her words? I suggest not to do it, since it can be misconstrued when using other words, but it's upto you.

“Is that your friend there who’s walking towards us?” she again interrupted.
Maybe you could use, "she said, interrupting him once again?", instead?


“Your friend seems nice,” The still-unidentified-seemingly-young-and-energetic-yet-familiar-woman said.
Well put, but you forgot "pretty". :D

He wanted to say yes, but then paused for a while but eventually…
I can't figure out why, but this sounds funny. In the weird dense, not in the this-is-hilarious sense.

I think that's it. I'm sure I'd find more nitpicks if I went on, but I'm sure that's because you put it up spontaneously. Overall, I'd say good use of vocabulary, and a good job introducing the characters. I'm not a fan of romance, but this wasn't sickeningly sweet. It did sound characteristically you, though. :)
I liked it.

I have a special request. I remember you posted a poem for Lauren's webazine, you recall? I liked that very much. Please put it up. Another thing - Post more often, bro.
A third thing - forgive me if I was too nitpicky or harsh. (or lame, since I'm sure I was..)
A fourth thing - We're on the same team for review week. *high-fives*
Consider this a partnership resent.
:D




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Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:27 pm
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Blues wrote a review...



Muuuuuurt! About... 6 months overdue? XD Glad to see you had the courage to post it though! *puts on reviewing hat*

Overall thoughts: I love it! Definitely worth the wait. James is definitely someone that I can relate to as I'm kind of in the situation that he was in. The whole story has a kind of "Those good times when I was younger"/"my first kiss" feeling to it while not feeling like it's being told 60 years after the event.

The speech patterns of your characters were quite distinctive, and so were their personalities, despite the fact it was a short story. I liked that! To be honest, I think this might become a "this-story-was-great-especially-for-a-first" kind of review, so I'll just jump straight into the critique xD

I'll start off with nitpicky stuff. A lot of it is where there is extra information which doesn't really seem to be necessary as it doesn't affect the story among other things :P

“T-G-I-F, man!” Gerald had happily spelled to James as they both entered The Expresso Café and Bar, South of Harvey street by 35th and 3rd.“I told you, this is the hottest place to be bro!”


Her hair was somewhat wrapped inside a pashmina-like scarf for all James could make of it and she was wearing sunglasses for some odd reason.


I'm guessing the odd 'reason' is that it's during the evening. (I don't know how I know this). Replacing that bit with something along the lines of "she was wearing sunglasses despite the fact the sun had set" could tell us the same information... and more :)

Why was she dressed up so thickly in the night? And why is she trying to hide her face?


Ah. Now I know where I got this from. Silly memory. XD Anyway, personally, I'd say that this bit is unnecessary as it is a tad obvious that there is something shady about her.

“I see. So what degree are you pursuing in college? I haven’t attended college yet. But I did want to become an architect when I was in high school,” she said, trying to relate to James.


Obvious ;)

Nitpicks over!

Okay. There was this funny programme on TV about teenagers going on their first holiday and their parents spying on them that I watched once a while ago. Naturally they were all... drunk. And from what Gerald seems to be like, he seems to be the kind of guy that will literally become so drunk that he completely loses it. On that TV show, some of them were drunk but still had some sense while others were completely wasted. I personally would've thought that Gerry would've said: "No, Gerry doesn't want to go home... Gerry isn't drunk..." while crashing into all the tables (this really happened in the show.) I didn't feel he was quite drunk... enough, although I fear for his liver. But it would've added some extra humour to the story which I thought was in abundance here.

Speaking of the bar, perhaps you wrote it in a slightly different way as to how I thought it was. Was it a kind of "Bar in the corner, dance floor everywhere else" place or kind of like a pub? I understood it as the lounges being a place to where you'd dance or something, like a private place at the back where you could have a party and dance and stuff. But if it was a pub, feel free to ignore my previous comment. xD


So, I have one important question. Why specifically this bar? Did Adrienne specially travel to random places so that she wouldn't be recognised by her friends despite the disguise? Maybe a quick line would help answer that question. ^^


First line: I like it! But I wouldn't call it the most captivating. It doesn't immediately catch my attention because there's nothing that's pushing me to read on. I kind of knew what to expect next though since I saw a draft of it once so it did intrigue me.

Strangely enough, I don't know how you could improve it xD But perhaps have him think those things? Like:

Lush, dark brown hair. The fibres frame her freckled visage. Oh, how I wish I could place my hand on her hair and feel its softness!


Kind of as if James was narrating to himself as if his life was an audiobook or something. (Yes, I do think that I made James sound like Lennie from Of Mice and Men. XD) But just an idea. First lines are particularly hard so I'd seriously recommend experimenting with it.

Oh! And final thing. Was that kiss a kiss on the cheek or the lips? As a reader, I'm dying to know. xD Dying!

Okay, that's all from me. I hope I helped! I adored this story and man, you should really keep writing short stories. It was light, funny and a feel-good story for me. I'd love to read more!

Off to revise. Yuck. The story was a good break for me though! :)

Keep writing,

~Blues





The idea that a poem was a made thing stayed with me, and I decided then that I wanted to be an artist, not just a diarist. So I put myself through a kind of apprenticeship in writing poetry, and I understood even then that my practice as a poet was deeply related to my reading.
— Edward Hirsch