Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
When they came home that night Heather fell right to sleep.
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That morning Heather stayed home from school with a very high fever. What's going on with me she thought.
"she's so clueless,"
"I think she would be a wonderful angel,"
"or ninja,"
"maybe even a dream giver, or a vampire,"
"im not a vampire im a devil, and she would be horrible at my job,"
"or maybe she is the one"
"Ha, her be the one, no way look how long it is taking her to awaken to her powers,"
"I wouldn't doubt this one I get a strange vibe from her,"
"you say that about everyone,"
"anyways she is only twelve,"
Heather peeked one eye open, there were three men and one woman. Heather thrusted upwardsclutching on to her head board.
"she has awoken," says the girl.
That man has wings, that one have horns, a-and that one has swords she thought. She trembled. The one with the large white wings stepped forth.
"don't fear young one, you see we are mentally related," the man says, did he just call me young one, and say we were mentally related? Heather stays clinging to the head board.
" you are horrible with children," says the horned man, stepping forth he begins to speak.
"child don't be afraid, here this is your sword," Says the man setting the sword on the bed. Sword?! why would he give me a sword? But Heather had a liking for the horned man. She let go of the head board. She slowly crawled towards the sword. She grabbed the sword by the handle and slowly picked it up it was surprisingly light.
"come on stand up," says the winged man.
Heather looked at the horned man, he nodded at her thoughtfully. She stood up slowly. The carpet was rough on her bare feet.
"looks like you have a thing with children," says the woman
"who are you," say Heather grasping the sword behind her back.
"We are kind of like the super hero's, im Kie," says the man with the swords for the first time.
"and im sue," says the buff woman leaning down.
"sakoo," says the horned man. Heather adored the name she repeated it in her head over, and over, sakoo-sakoo.
"And im Enya," says the winged man. Heather wasn't the biggest fan of Enya but she had somewhat of respect for him somewhere.
" well now that you've told me who you are tell me what you are," she said looking at them " and why you are here,"
"well we are like the mythical creatures you read about in your books," says Enya.
"And well, we come from a beautiful place kind-of like Narnia if you think about it, We fight for our side of the land and we also protect human's. And as the ages go by we collect young ones and teach them how to use there powers and when they reach a certain age they reach immortality. And of course there is one special person who will join us someday, we are here to day young one because you are one of us," Enya lays his hand on her shoulder, Heather had a discusted look on her face but she wiped it of as if were a smudge on her chin.
"the girl really despises you," laughed sue. Enya glares at Heather.
"Anyways you need to come with us," say Enya
"ok," replies Heather.
Heather loved the Idea of being a super hero , or being like a super hero.
"that was easier than I though especially with such a ignorant child," says sakoo
her heart clenched why was he being so mean, was he always this mean. Heather really liked the horned man but she could tell it was going to take a while for him to warm up to her.
"well lets go then," Enya holds her hand, Heather really hates this but before she could reject his hand there was a flash of light, a glitter a spark and they were no longer in her room they were in a meadow with a large village next to it with three huge alind buildings bigger then the rest . then there was a smaller village along with churches, watchtowers, shops, mountains and little cabins all around the meadow.
"what do you think," says Enya still holding her hand.
"Amazing," says Heather , snatching her hand back.
"there back," screamed some towns woman. one dropped her groceries, another kisses her kid and came running just to say hi others dropped there conversations and came running. "
"oh my, look how cute the new comer is so adorable," says one.
"her black hair is beautiful, and so long,"
" And she looks so cute in her P.J.S,"
P.J.S? Oh my I look so silly in my night wear.
"your turning bright red ," laughed sue.
Oh sometimes this sue angers me.
"Oh, don't worry hunny Ill get you all set up , im Nancy" says one of the woman.
Heather nodded.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
This is an interesting concept you have here, i like the interactions between characters. I think you should just watch out for grammar mistakes, and watch out for cut off sentences. Otherwise i personally think it is a great story that i cant wait to follow. As you might see i have some grammar errors too in my work so i wont be a hypocrite here. Can't wait to see what you have planned next. BTW can you add a little more detail I don't want to be just reading a lot of dialogue. Ok ill stop, good luck on next piece.
Hello! I'm here to give you a review.
First of all, you should really fix up your grammar.
You need to capitalize all words that start the dialogue (unless it is continued). You need to capitalize "I'm" and put an apostrophe in it, as well.
Also, you need to just format your dialogue a little more. Here is an example of what yours should look like:
"Oh my god! I so can't wait!" Ashley replied, while texting on her phone.
Okay, that's it for the grammar. On to characters.
You should probably build up more on them. Add more description about them. What do tey look like? What do they feel? What do they want? Stuff like that.
Now for my final thing, plot/storyline.
I like it, I like the fantasy built in here. Try to add more details about the imagery. What do things look like? What colors are they? Stuff like that. I like the storyline and plot! It's the same as characters, though. Try to strengthen it as much as possible.
Hope I helped!
~ WillowPaw1
PS How can it be rated 18 + when you're only 11? I'm 11 too and I only read this because I noticed you were 11, so I thought it would be okay. But you may want to change the rating.
well, I'm 11 but im writing a rated 18 story, its going to get more 18 type later on... Oh, and thank you that was very helpful
Okay, makes a little more sense. Keep writing!
Hi Muica! I'm here to give you a quick, hopefully helpful review.
Okay, so first of all, you really, REALLY need to work on your grammar and spelling. I am a perfectionist, and I go absolutely nuts about things like that, so it probably bothers me more than most people, but still. You should probably fix that. ALL of it. NOW.
Anyways, besides that, I think you need more descriptions. The storyline was great, but the writing itself was sort of bland. You need some nice, colorful adjectives to spice it all up a bit. And you need emotion in it, too.You're doing a great job of telling the story and naming events, but it's much more fun for the reader if they can visualize it all in their mind.
Also, I think Heather was too quick to make conclusions. If some freaky-looking random stranger walked into your room late at night and told you to go somewhere with him, would you really say 'yes' just like that? I know I wouldn't. If she had been a bit more resistant or at least hesitant, it would have been more realistic. And she just sort of decided what she thought about the characters right away. I feel like it happened too fast. Maybe give her a little more time to learn about them, just to make it seem more real?
One more thing, I noticed you weren't really consistent in your tenses. Most of the time you were using past-tense, but sometimes you switched to present-tense. Consistency is important.
However, despite all my criticism, I felt that you were very good at showing the events that occurred. Many people use more emotion than storytelling in their writing, so well done. Also, the storyline is very interesting.
Keep it up,
~IAmMe
Thank you that was very helpful.