The One Chapter:1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The wind strikes the house making the windows clank, the rain hadn't slowed down the past hour. Heather tremble as a gust of wind pushed through the creases of her window. She was baffled everything was moving so rapidly fast, she had no clue what was going on, she gasped clenching on to air, her chest aced with pain, Heathers parents rushed to her bed side, Father scooped her into his arms, Mothers face full of fear and agony. They quickly rushed her to the hospital. The nurses flew to her side. For a second all Heather felt were pins and needles.

Well things are off to a bit of an intense start there, things seeming to be a pretty big emergency there with this person starting to feel pain out of nowhere and then getting rushed right to hospital where they seem to be doing some sort of treatment if all the pins and needles mean anything...well, this does a great job of getting your attention quite quickly here.

Hours later Heather wobbled out into the waiting room still flustered. Mother sat there smiling at the T.V hanging over the waiting room. Father chatted with another man sitting across from him, And of course Nancy her younger sister was there, she was curled up in a ball like a little kitten on one of the waiting chairs.

Ahh, well thankfully it looks like it was something that they were able to deal with in time and it looks like our protagonist is fine for the moment if a little weak from the experience...well, things definitely started off with quite a scare there, but now you get to sort of sit back and see the family interactions at work here, which is a fun addition to have in a first chapter here.

"Heather," cried Mom hugging her tightly.

" Oh, hunny I was so worried, you had had a panic attack ," says Mother. Panic attack? Father came behind her and patted her back.

"Hey kiddo, how have you been," He says.

"Fine, fine but can we go home now," says Heather.

Okay...and it turns out that it is all a panic attack at the end...which well, disclaimer, I've never had one of those or seen anyone have one of those so I can't tell how serious that is...but...that aside...the ending does a great job of showing the family there at any rate...we get to see just how worried the parents were and how they are trying to comfort the girl here...which makes that ending interesting too, with Heather just wanting to get away from things there...at any rate, this a pretty intriguing first chapter here. It seems like a story that I would in fact read here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi there! Welcome to the site!

Ah, the horrible panic attack. I hate those things. I had one last night while I was singing at church and I almost had to leave 'cause I felt like I couldn't breathe :/

I have to say, the way your described the panic attack is very realistic. It's such a short description, but it works well. It doesn't necessarily ave to be a huge long description that spans out over three paragraphs or half the chapter. It just has to be enough to get your point across. And you definitely did that.

Okay, onto some things you could fix. Now keep in mind, I'm here to help you grow as a writer. I don't want you to get discouraged or anything. Just know that I'm here to help! (I already said that...) So with that in mind, here's the rest of my review:

The wind struck the house making the windows clank. The rain hadn't slowed down in the past hour. Heather trembled as a gust of wind through the creases of her window. She was baffled that everything was moving so rapidly fast. She had no clue what was going on. She gasped, clenching on to at the air, her chest aching with pain. Heather's parents rushed to her bed side. Father scooped her into his arms. Mother's face was full of fear and agony. They quickly rushed her to the hospital. The nurses flew to her side. And for a second all Heather felt were pins and needles.

Okay, I made some corrections in red above. Hopefully you can see them. Sometimes the red isn't as apparent in commas and periods.

So the main thing you need to work on is writing in sentences. There are a lot of sentences here that have commas where there should be periods. If you sort out the sentences, the chapter will flow better. And it'll be easier to follow. Another thing I noticed is that you have written in both past and present tense in the first paragraph. Then after the break, you wrote in past tense. So I assumed that you wanted to write this story in past tense so I fixed all those parts in the first paragraph. It's always important to pick one of the tenses and stick with it.

Overall I think this is a great start to your story. The part after the break was written well and I couldn't find anything wrong with it. It's a bit too short for my taste, but that's just my opinion. It's your novel at the end of the day and however it's written is ultimately your decision. One thing I wish that you had more of in this chapter was description. What does Heather look like? The picture at the end is good, but you also need to describe her within your writing. Tell us how she always hated her long, wavy brown hair because her hairbrush always got caught in it. Explain how her hazel eyes stood out in a crowd. Things like that really help the reader imagine the characters and form an image in their mind.

I can't wait to read more! I saw your status that you're really far in this novel. I hope I can help with the later chapters as well. Post on my wall when the next chapter is out so I can check it out! I hope my review was helpful. If you have any other questions about it feel free to PM me.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello there, and before I forget, welcome to YWS! As a precaution, I will warn you that I'm somewhat harsh with reviewing.
Onwards, then.
First, and this is just a comment, but this chapter is short! Most commonly, people post between 1500 and 3000 words at a time.
For grammar, let me remind you that we use commas to separate dependent clauses, and semicolons to separate related sentences that could stand alone. As an example, let me re-write a section here:

She was baffled everything was moving so rapidly fast, she had no clue what was going on

This could be written as: "She was baffled; everything was moving so rapidly fast, and she had no clue what was going on." (And remember your conjunctions too!)
Second, do not forget your apostrophes for ownership! Heather's, mother's, etc.
And last for grammar, you tend to switch verb tenses. Watch out for that.
As for technique, you did an incredible job with the first part. The tone is immediately set as confused and scared, and the short sentences really bring that out.
However! I haven't let you off the hook for technique yet. Aside from the people in the room, there is no sensory detail to help set the mood in the second half. (Even the characters' actions did not have enough connotation to bring out a real tone.) What does the waiting room feel like? That's what's important.
Now then, not enough has happened for me to judge plot, but I'm wondering how you'll bring in the magic you mentioned in the blurb.
Ciao for now!
-Bug