I appreciate all critique;D. If you've read this before, there is more added. Thankyou!
C4C (critique for critique)
If there are any spelling mistakes, its because it slipped. I'll fix it.
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Chapter One
Barely gripping his glass of vodka, Alden giggled happily to himself. The bartender shook his head and laughed as Alden continued slopping down more of the mystical liquid that he could handle. Though, some wouldn't know it, he was a rather a good drunk. Since the age of ten, he had gained plenty of practice and knowledge of his limits.
After his third glass, he rose to his feet firmly with his fourth. Finally, he was beginning to unwind after an unforgiving day at his father’s law firm. He didn’t have much time to squander; he would have to be back in England the day after tomorrow. Right now his father thought Alden was diligently studying on his “class field trip” to the United States Supreme Court. Instead Alden was enjoying a pleasant night in the Honolulu, Hawaii. It was a beautiful lie that only true genius could take credit for. Only Alden that is. A break from his "supreme overlord", also known as Dad, was what he really needed today. No rules, regulations, black ties, and what he detested most, fake smiles. Tonight was his night. Marco cocked his head to the side at a passing stranger. A familiar mischievous smile swept over his face.
"How are you tonight my dove?” Alden said smoothly as he swung the young woman into his free arm.
"What's wrong with you, get off me!" she growled attempting to remove his arm.
"Don’t fret my darling." She struggled to shake her body loose, but he grabbed her again.
"Care to-" A massive stink bomb belched from his mouth.
"Ah sick!" the girl groaned taking in a nose-full.
Alden quickly covered his mouth subconsciously allowing his captive to escape. He watched her disappear into the neon blinking lights over the dance floor. Alden chuckled.
"That was funny” he thought. Usually he was more suave with his ladies. He noted in his mind it was a point off his perfect record.
“Its so difficult being perfect.”
The air began to feel heavy on Alden's lungs; it felt extremely stuffy in here. He decided to paid the bartender and grab his coat to leave. The dense haze of smoke and neon lights was becoming unbearable as he knitted through a sea of people. The exit was soon in his reach, only inches away. Finally, he made it. Just as he expected the night was cool and breezy. His breathing began to settle as the cool air showered through him. The breeze began to carry his mind to a familiar place, somewhere a long time ago.
He imagined himself on the beach with the most important woman in his life holding him close. He could smell the salt breeze sting his nose a little and the soft smooth sand encircling them. She would say I love you, then he would sing it back to her and hear her laugh. Ahhhh...her laugh, he missed it so much. He remembered it so clearly this time, like a pig choking on its breath. It maybe have been irritating sound to some but, he loved that about her. He loved everything about her. He loved her long black sleek hair, like curtains brushing his cheek. He loved to think about her. No one could take these precious memories away. Marco focused deeply on her touch as she used to stroke his hair. So relaxing...
"YOU'RE SUCH A TRAMP!" Marco's head dropped from the clouds and immediately turned towards the direction of the noise. He sighed heavily. Whoever just ruined his moment better have a good explanation.
"You told me that you stopped doing this stuff, and here you are agian!" the girl said in epiphany. "I can't even trust you anymore!"
"Of all places to have an argument, they choose an entrance to a nightclub" he thought. “How rude.”
Alden watched casually as the bickering continued. Back and forth it went like a fiery ping-pong match until finally, he grew tired of it.
"We're going home now! And you can explain all this to you parents!" she growled grabbing her arm.
"But, Nani!" the girl protested with her eyes tearing, she refused to leave.
"Ah, don't make her cry." Both heads of the ladies turned towards the man slowly walking towards them.
"Such a beautiful girl shouldn't cry about anything."
His words were like honey to the crying girl. This stranger was really getting her attention. Alden had planned on walking around the island, but now he might need his limo.
"You! Get away from him Miku!" She stepped in his path.
"Oh, its you." he chuckled scratching his head. "The one who broke my record.”
The girl gave him a raised eyebrow at first, but realized the situation was too serious to wonder.
"We're leaving now." the girl announced grabbing Miku again and pulled her along. Miku quickly grabbed Alden's coat making him trip, but he quickly gained back his composure.
"Miku what are you doing?!" Miku roughly shook her off and stepped to Marco's side.
"Looks like your friend would rather stay with me." he said with eyes on Miku. "I'll call my limo."
Miku giggled and wrapped her arms around him.
"When did her friend become so trampy?" the girl wondered.
Here was someone she had only met moments ago and now she’s clinging on to him like used gum on his shoe. It was truly sickening in her sight, especially since this was the person deemed best friend in her life.
In ten minutes of arguing the limo arrived and Alden, like a perfect gentlemen, escorted her to the back.
"No, no, no!" The girl grabbed Miku’s arm. "She's coming with me."
She couldn’t let her best friend repeat the same event again. She couldn’t let her take that chance no matter how crazy it made her look.
"I'm old enough to handle myself Nani!" Miku snapped and shoved her elbow in Nani’s chest.
Immediately, Nani broke her grip as Miku seized the opportunity to enter the car. A mumbled word spat from Nani’s lips as she held her chest in pain.
"Nani is it?" She shot him a death look that actually took Marco aback some.
"Its none of your business to know. She's not going with-HEY!"
She broke her sentence when the car began racing out of the alley, then she saw the boy jump into the open car door. Nani bolted like lightening screaming at them.
"Jerk!"
Marco and Miku cracked in laughter watching the angry fist-shaking Nani shrink smaller and smaller.
"How long do you think she'll run?" Miku laughed holding her short cut brown hair.
"She's had enough, let's give her a break now." he sighed as he wiped a tear from his eye. Miku’s freckled tanned face pouted as the car came to a halt. They waited patiently as Nani collapsed onto the car to catch her breath. Good thing she wore flats or she might have given up a long time ago. She exhaled in satisfaction and exhaustion. She reached her goal. Just as she put her hand on the handle the car jerked forward and stopped.
"No, no more games now.” she affirmed with arms crossed and waited. She refused to be toyed with and waited for the car to back up.
"Aw, we made her mad." Marco said in the most unsympathetic voice. He commanded the driver to back up.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Muffy!
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I'm assuming you mean, "More of the mystical liquid THAN he could handle". If not, and you meant to phrase it this way, I suggest considering a rephrase. Something clever, questioning the state of Alden and his drunkenness, like: "Alden continued slopping down more of the mystical liquid, though whether he could handle this or not, time would determine", and there multiple ways to rephrase that. Just saying, if you didn't mean "than", then you should expand upon the concept on doubting Alden's ability he HAS or LACKS with the alcohol. If he truly is good with alcohol, as your next sentence says, consider expanding on that similar to the way I did with the example.
Typo: "He was a rather good drunk."
Not sure why there would be a "the" before a city name.
The lie doesn't seem that genius -- he just told him he would be somewhere else than he actually was. If there's a lot of work that went into that lie, explain it, so we can perceive the genius.
Comma necessary here: "she growled, attempting to remove his arm".
Considering that you're using the past tense throughout the story, it should be "it felt extremely stuff in there". This is so because the past tense is looking back at an event, in which it would become a "there", because the narration is not currently within that place.
Typo: to pay.
- Comma here: "Just as he expected, the night was cool and breezy."
- The description of air showering doesn't read very well, unfortunately. Air, being something not tangible, really, is hard to picture as a shower. Consider other descriptions that might be more effective.
- Typo in there.
- What is this epiphany? Since we don't know this girl, or the actual meaning of her finding him in this situation, when she says she says something in epiphany the reader can't entirely perceive what that epiphany is about. Is it that he lied, that his nature is helpless to come back to places like this? Explain further in dialogue, so we can witness this girl's epiphany.
Comma forgotten: "they choose an entrance to a nightclub," he thought.
- You forget quite a bit of commas in here, and in some lines I haven't quoted. In this case: "We're leaving now," the girl announced, grabbing Miku again and pulling her along.
- You have described both of the female characters as girls, so it gets a bit confusing in this part, since I'm not entire sure which one you're referring to as "girl" anymore. Give them descriptions further than that, more elaborate. For instance, perhaps one is blonde, and the other one has black hair, or one has curly hair, and the other doesn't -- maybe one is short, the other tall -- find something to distinguish between the two, because calling them both "girl" ends up with a hazy conversation between the three people happening. And applying the name Miku isn't really helpful enough -- there is still a genuine air of confusion during this scene.
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Narration
Pick a narrator, or at least two people to focus on letting their thoughts and opinions be known in the story. You jump between all three of the characters, and it's rather confusing. For instance, most of the story is told from Marco's point of you, but here you have this:
Which is in Nani's point of you and then you also have a few sentences in Miku's point of view, and this leads for a very scattered and confusing narration. You don't want to scare your readers off by confusing them, so pick one person -- Marco, most likely -- or two, but focus more on one, and let their thoughts reflect in the story. Jumping between three people is too much, and at this point I recommend you picking only one narrator.
Or, consider only going into another person's narration during a scene break. For instance, all of THIS scene is done in Marco's point of view, but then you have a scene break (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, as they appear all the time in books), and in the next scene we're in Nani's head, hearing her thoughts.
Narration is very important, and you have to be very careful with it.
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I hope this was helpful. PM me if you have any questions, and keep writing!
~ Clo
Hello. =)
The fact that you have put this phrase in speech marks makes it seem as if he is quoting what someone else calls him, such as his dad which is somewhat vein.
Who on earth is Marco? Did you mean to say Alden?
Comma nightmare! I'd be careful about your commas--the usage (or lack) of them can disrupt the flow of the sentences very easily. They also define character--someone who is generally quiet or nervous would use more. I also threw in a question mark and italicised the "off". It just makes it a little bit more realistic.
Again, stick in a comma after "fret". Otherwise, it's just weird. I'd also point out that, because you said "she" straight after, I was led to believe that she had said it. You don't want me to have to do that. Put it on the next line.
I'd get rid of the dialogue marks, and put a comma after "funny".
Again, chop off the irritating dialogue marks. Otherwise it seems as if he's saying it. And put in an apostrophe after "it".
Okies, I'll stop the nitpicks, because I think most of them can be found by just proofreading. I'd recommend doing that once or twice before you post it, because then you'll get less people worrying about your grammar and the actual story itself. Firstly, I'd like to point out things like this:
Putting things in upper-case for emphasis does not work. Ever. The key is to work it into the piece and focus on the actual dialogue, rather than how much is in capitals. For example, you could say that a terrifying boom came sweeping through the alley and bit into his ears, as an example. It keeps it fast-paced. Another way is to make the dialogue something that you'd never really hear in a quiet voice; we read it an instantly think we should shouting it.
The part where you have the two people arguing outside the nightclub confused me; I couldn't tell who as saying what, and a brief description might sort it out. In fact, everything from when he left the nightclub completely threw me. At first, he's a stranger, but then he's not; he's best friends, and they're running from Nani but the she gets in the car... I just don't understand it. The thing is, you need more description. We need sensory imagery to bring across the details to us. Colour works best for that. That forces us to picture the moment. Spend a little while in that scene just describing the characters so that we know who they are and how Alden (Marco?) knows them. Descriptions let us understand everything, and pay specific attention to what Alden understands. What he sees, we see. We don't know what the other characters are saying so we should only be able to get it from dialogue and actions, which show us the scene. For example, if she hits someone, show everyone's reaction. If they're shocked, we know it's a rare thing. If that makes sense.
I like the general pacing, on the whole, excluding the descriptions as I've said. The humour is in the right place and Alden seems fairly developed. Are you continuing with this? I don't see the point of its being a standalone piece; there's no real story or conflict, and nothing to really centre the piece around. We need more. Basically, the story is absent. Work on your grammar; at the end, there were a lot of dialogue grammar issues, particularly with the idea of your using a full stop instead of a comma.
I hope I've helped!
Best
Blinky