The strings of my guitar hum and rattle
They shriek out the sound of their pain
My pain, my pain.
The echo of my pain fills the room
The vibration rising, blocking out the insanity of this place.
After hours, days for all I know, the pain... ceases.
I lay my instrument down upon my bed
I brush the dust off of my shoulder and leave.
I walk, walk, run, walk
Incessantly walk for time immemorial.
I lose my footing on a stone, hitting the sidewalk with a thud
I lie there, lie and think about nothing
Finding satisfaction in this moment, I crawl to a nearby birch and rest my head.
A sigh of contentment comes forth from inside
With that, that serene inkblot on the canvas that is humanity,
I make my exit
Into a better place...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi there muffinman! I'm June! Welcome to YWS =)
I really enjoyed this! I do not have much constructive criticism on this at all, it was quite well done.
For poetry, the punctuation is about the same as normal punctuation. When you want the reader to pause, use a comma. When you want us to pause, and introduce us to a semi-new idea, use a semicolon. When want us to come to a full stop, and begin a new idea, use a period.
The ellipsis (...) is usually disliked in poetry-- basically because it makes the poet sound unsure, as if they're lingering on a word too long. So! I would suggest changing your ellipsis's for something cleaner, like a comma or period where it is appropriate. In all honesty, your punctuation here was rather well done.
I really like the emotion that's running through this. The guitar is signifying so much in this poem; almost speaking above you and in someways, underminding your pain by being able to show it.
Brilliant job, dear. I look forward to seeing more of your work 'round here. Keep it up!
June
Haha thanks.
Yeah this was one of my first poems so I didn't really understand how to do the punctuation.
I was only putting end marks at the end of each stanza...
So I just use normal punctuation?
I like this - especially the following stanza:
"I walk, walk, run, walk
Incessantly walk for time immemorial"
I think you could benefit from some punctuation in places, particularly at the end of a few of your lines, because without I see it as a run on sentence and can spoil the poem's pacing. I also don't like the '...' you place after cease, and also at the very end of the poem, but that may just be personal preference as I feel it slows the poem down!
All in all, very impressive! I think the title is perfect, too.
Haha thanks!
I have a few more I've written, but I'm really tired and I think I'm just gonna go to bed XD
Thank you for the positive feedback though!
I like it, but I can't really give you any tips, or point out any errors, because I only wrote
one poem so far. But I thought it was good. . . kind of sad though. Hope you keep
writing!