Published June 17, 2009
The first story I've written on my new shiny laptop. Please review, it's only little. Sorry in advance that it's typical of my writing, in that I seem to repel happy endings. And I suck at titles, so any suggestions for title improvement would also be welcome. m
As Kate Waits
Kate is in denial, or so Kate’s counsellor would have her believe. Kate herself will not accept this diagnosis. Doing so would be admitting that she might be depressed.
Or so Kate’s counsellor says.
It isn’t even her name elsewhere. Kate is a tag for this bright, forlorn, forsaken patient room. Kate’s counsellor only calls her as such to seem sunny in face of it. First thing, she reeled off denominations, as options when ordering coffee is too vague. But Catherine was a spelling mistake. Kath and Kathy were thirty. Katie was four.
Frankly, Kate is yet to respond to anything.
She sits with her shoulders up. The sleeves of her hoody, as her arms cross for the day, stretch over the bandages which shackle her wrists. And so, Kate waits for a question to shun.
Occasionally, her heart beats to reminder her of its presence. Other than that, she sits, she blinks, she swallows. And she wonders what it must be like to feel at all.
Kate waits.
She waits to escape from this place. To look down and not be startled by the brightness of her bandages. To stop burning when they refer to what she did as an episode, as self destruction. They cannot define to one moment the things she has felt, or not felt, for years. And now, Kate’s counsellors pry to know these things she cannot tell them. As she drowns, she understands less than they claim to themselves.
She waits.
Soon, they will fit Kate into their formula, their pitied teenage norm, for which there is cure, while all the time telling her that she is special and strong, or unique, which is their word.
Kate’s counsellor, young, approachable, wan water smile and soft sweeping fringe, sits.
Kate hates
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker or DW or even TDW but you can call me whatever you like and I'm here to review your piece this afternoon
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. So let's get started!
Okay so first I start off with a nit-pick section then I go into grammar and punctuation, plot, setting and description, and character developement. After that is is overall and then it's complete
Nit-Pick
You have this twice. It is kind of affective but I wasn't sure if that was what you were going for.
I don't know if I like this tense too much. Saying Kate is in denial is very... well I don't know what it is but it just makes me want to fix it to say 'Kate was in'.
I read this sentence over a couple times and added it to the sentence after but it just makes no sense. I don't quite know what you were trying to do so yeah.
Blatanlty, this confused the hell out of me. Kate is a tag for a patient room and then suddenly she's human again... and then Catherine is a spelling mistake and kath and kathy were thiirty... and then katie was four... This lost me fast. So I'm making a vague, off point guess that you're trying to say that Kate is the name in which is good for her? I have no idea.
Okay, this piece is really starting to confuse me terribly. Maybe I'm just not getting it? I dont get how a question can shun, persay, and how arms can cross for the day... A lot of the language doesn't seem to mesh well to me. Maybe you're using the wrong words in the wrong places? Maybe I'm just not getting it...
Reminder should be remind.
After swallows, the period should be a comma and the 'and' should not be capitalized.
I get this though, and I love it. This is my favourite bit of this piece by far.
Grammar and Punctuation
Okay so your language was fairly simple in areas but I think you tried to get over wordy in sections and used the wrong words for the sentence bits so it made it very confusing. Maybe, of course, I didn't get your point but from what I saw it was very confusing. Most of your work, though, had flawless punctuation and it flowed well for the tense you wrote it in.
Plot
A plot was shoved in right away but I don't think it was really started nor ended. It was just a description of a plot that didn't really happen, more or less, just the girl being exactly what the doctors thought she was. I didn't see the point in the idea and yet I still much enjoyed the concept and how you worded it. Interesting.
Setting and Description
You gave a vague description of the setting but after that all your descriptions mained towards her feelings. After that there wasn't much on everything around her nor on the doctors or psychiatrists. I wish there was more to it but, as you said, it was a very short piece so from what I saw I enjoyed it dearly.
Overall
I liked it from what I could understand. The concept was interesting and although there are some areas that could be fixed up a bit, the stuff I did understand was attention holding and sparked my curiosity. Good job.
From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Wow. This is a very interesting piece. Usually saying the character's name over and over would start to get repetitive and annoying but for some reason it really works here. I have a few nitpicks:
This should either be "as a reminder" or "to remind her".
I think this should be one sentence.
there should be an "a" before cure.
Overall really good work! I really liked this piece.
Hi!
What a happy little piece! Lol! It's pretty good to be honest...your shiny new laptop must have you very inspired. I don't like happy endings either so all is well!
The stand alone second paragraph...."Or so Kate’s counsellor says." doesn't seem to tie in to the first couple of sentences...maybe rephrase the line that preceeds it....
Other than that I just noticed one other thing, and that's a bit of a subjective suggestion...
"Kate’s counsellor only calls her as such to seem sunny in face of it. "
I'd say in THE face of it...but I don't think it matters grammatically...I just think it flows better that way...
Hope this is ok...