These days you dont start a story with once upon a time. So today I was listening to everyone say they was going to have a great summer and I thought toi myself i want have a great summer because i have cook and clean. When I was at home my stepmother always made me cookand clean i also had to do landry. When i went home I had a lot of chores to do. When I finshed all my chores i took a nap.I woke up and I was in a different place I wasn't at home I was in this big beautiful room. I got up and walked around then i seen a maid " Ummm ma'ma do you mind telling where I'm at."she looked at me like I was weird " Zyionna you're at home." I was so surprised that she said home. "Zyionna,Zyionna wake up no sleeping on the job." I woke up very quikly. "I'm sorry it want happen again."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, so this one is interesting here...but umm, well lemme get started here by saying that you're gonna need to first split this into a couple of paragraphs here to show these key points where things change and then perhaps also expand on these points a little bit more because at the moment, this work is a rather compressed jumble of things here and its a bit tough to decipher.
ANyways, moving onto what we've actually got here...aand I have to say it is a little tough to see where you're going with this. I can get the basic premise, it looks to be that we've got this person that ends up dreaming and landing in a fantasy world somehow, although I can't say if its simply a dream or there's some kind of magic happening to actually transport the person here. All in all, it is a very cool concept, its just not quite brought out as clearly as one would like to see here.
Overall, I think this has some very good potential here, and it really can be a very cool story, but this start here really needs a bit of a second look and a rewrite, just to make things a bit easier to read and clearer from the start.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, Ita here to review.
I'd just like to say, this is incredibly short. Very, very short. But it doesn't even pack that much interest, doesn't draw you in. Focus on that, flesh the story out, describe the character and settings, as Djinn said. Since he/she aptly reminded you that description and emotion is necessary, I'll focus more on the grammatical side of things.
The mistakes here, with applied corrections in bold:
'So today I was listening to everyone say they were going to have a great summer, and I thought to myself: I want to have a great summer because I have cook and clean (on a side note, what do you meant by 'cook and clean'?).
(...) always made me cook and clean, as well as doing the laundry/.I also had to do the laundry/ any other combination of those. When I finished all my chores I took a nap. I woke up and was in a different place. I wasn't at home, I was in this big beautiful room. I got up and walked around, then I saw a maid.
"Ummm m'am do you mind telling me where I am?" I asked.
She looked at me like I was weird.
"Zyionna you're home," she said/replied/whatever.
I was so surprised she had said home.
"Zyionna, Zyionna, wake up. No sleeping on the job."
I woke up very quickly.
"I'm sorry, it wont happen again."
Nevertheless, I feel it's necessary to again point out that it lacks a lot description. This has zero description at all.
Work on that, okay?
Hope this helped,
~Ita
Um....okay. You can....work with this. I guess you probably know from school that you made a lot of grammar mistakes so I'll just focus on the story itself. A lot of books have been based off of dream sequences so even though this isn't a new topic, it can still be expanded on if just for a writing exercise. Try telling more. Describe the fantasy world and what the maid looked like. What was she wearing? What was the color and texture of her hair? Where was she when she woke up? Was she tired because of school/work/family life? What were some of the creatures she saw in this fantasy/dream world? There is a way to make this piece seem unreal and ethereal all at the same time. In a week try coming back to this and editing it and rewriting it. This could really help you get better at writing. Write it in word before you paste it into the submition box. This will also help with your grammar and spelling mistakes. Here is what your work could have looked like if you had written it on word first and had taken only a quick look to check some simple mistakes:
These days you don’t start a story with once upon a time. So today I was listening to everyone say they were going to have a great summer and I thought to myself, I want to have a great summer too but I have to cook and clean. When I was at home my stepmother always made me cook and clean and do laundry. When I went home I had a lot of chores to do as well. When I finished all my chores I took a nap. I woke up and I was in a different place! I wasn't at home; I was in this big beautiful room. I got up and walked around then I saw a maid.
"Ummm, ma'am, do you mind telling where I'm at?" She looked at me like I was weird.
"Zyionna you're at home." I was so surprised that she said home. "Zyionna, Zyionna, wake up! No sleeping on the job." I woke up very quickly.
"I'm sorry it won’t happen again." I said.
Good grammar doesn't fix a story. It still needs to be expanded upon. Keep writing and you'll definitly get there! Remember, always indent after anyone says anything. This will also help brake up the paragraph.
Good writing!