Young Writers Society

It would be nice if you extended the length of the story more. Still, I'll do my best to review it.

You have an interesting story, but there are a couple of errors in your story. I noticed that sometimes you capitalize "I" and sometimes you don't. Please keep in mind that "I" must always be capitalize.

Sometimes, your description doesn't make any sense. Example: "i exclaimed many of times" You may want to look at that.

Third, you have several run-on sentences. Example: "Your hands stile wrapped around me pulled me close again." Again, you may want to look at that.

Still, you have a nice story, despite the short length and mistakes. Just needs a little proofreading.

This wasn't an actual story. It seemed more like a note that someone would write to his/her ex than a piece that could get published. You have potential definitely. I encourage you to keep writing and to never give up. Perhaps you should give more background on the character's age, name, relationship, looks, etc. Your MC has a weird, seemingly unhealthy obsession with her boyfriend that prevents us readers from connecting to her. All this needs is a little revision. Maybe you should take what you have and give it time order and structure. But remember! NEVER GIVE UP!

Hello, Flower here and I will be your reviewer for today.

Do you now how hard it was to walk in a room and not touch you? This is a very awkward start to a story.


Seeing you with your shirt off. Why is his shirt off?


I sit in this place seeing you in the chair in front of me, with your eyes plastered to mine. Now you are sitting somewhere. You seem to be jumping around in the story a lot. You need to take the time to move from place to place.


Your hands wrapped around my waist as our foreheads impinged upon each other our lips touched. Once again you are jumping around. You were sitting and now you are kissing. I thought y'all broke up.


I didn't want to let go but you pushed me away. Your hands still wrapped around me pulled me close again. This is a very awkward sentence, I would suggest rewording this.


"Once more, please?" I exclaimed many of times but the only thing that your lips did was whisper the word no.
It hurts you know? This is a thought, you should put this in italics.


Not being able to have the one I love to myself. You belong to everyone else.Here is some of the story that needs to explained. I will write more below about what I mean.



You don't claim me, you don't take what we had seriously. You imply that you don't love me anymore but everyone says you do. The way my eyes glisten when you walk in a room, I clearly love you, don't you see? I wanted to be alone with you again, to have you all to myself. I wanted your body pressed to mine, your lips to touch mine, and your hands intertwined with mine. You give some description here, but it's to simple. You need something more colorful in your writing.


I just want you back. My heart desires you, my eyes wish to see you, my skin craves your touch. I enjoyed the way your finger tips tickled my skin. I love the way your words tapped your lips before departing, like a lifted music note.[/quote] In this line you show some desire, but there is no emotion behind your writing. You need to give us reason why you want him back.


All in all this needs some major work. This is very rushed, and it doesn't need to be. I would take this slower, and make something lead up to him being in a room, and her wanting him. You gave us no background whatsoever. How did she get with him? Why did they break up? Why does she still love him? We don't know any of this because of the way your story jumped around. One minute she wants him, and the next minute they are kissing. This story really reminds me more of a poem than a short story. You need to tell why she can't have her love to herself.

Also something I noticed is, that you don't capitalize several of your I's. This is very simple and necessary to do in a story. I also said that you can't feel any emotion behind your writing. You don't make us feel what you are feeling. Doing this makes the story less boring, and it doesn't drag on as much. The only other thing I can comment on is you description. We have no idea who the MC is, and we don't know what she looks like. We know the guy has muscles, but what about all of the other features she likes about him. Even the simple color of his hair matters in a story. I think that you are very vague in this area, and you need to work on that.

If you need any help from me pm me and let me know.

-Flower-

Hmm, this is really too short to even give it a full review. Basically this could use some good proofreading because there are a lot of missing commas and misspellings here and there. I agree on the misuse of "impinged." But it's obvious that you mostly have good word choice, like "plastered" and so on. But I also agree the first couple sentences are off-putting, make me think the narrator is a little unhinged and obsessed with the guy's body. But maybe that's what you're going for. I like the last line very much, however.

I have read some of the short stories today and I am starting to notice a disturbing trend. People think they don't need to add background information just because it is a short story. Please elaborate or specify! Who are you? Who is your boyfriend? How did you meet him?

I sit in this place seeing you in the chair in front of me

Do you now how hard it was to walk in a room and not touch you?

as our foreheads impinged upon each other

Your hands stile wrapped around me pulled me close again.