You’re wondering if I’m in love
OK then, yes, I’m in love
like a new age Juliet
standing on a street corner
with my one of a kind Romeo
drunkenly ranting about how
my mind is worth so much more
than the price I’m selling my body at.
You think I’m in love?
All right, I’m in love
like an over the hill model
desperately trying to look sexy.
But as your camera’s flashes
steal away my youth,
I realize I look more like
I’m desperate to be sexy, and soon
I’ll be replaced by a new model
Your camera finds more appealing.
If I’m in love
it’s with the red satin sheets
you claim are imported from Italy
As I giggle at how the tag reads:
Made in China.
But this China doll isn’t here for the imports,
only the raise and the almost romance
that’s now almost over
as you roll onto your side to take a call
from your all the way wife
If I’m in love
it’s because my heart
keeps itself tied to a thin string
suspended from my sleeve
whenever you need a chest
to feel for your ache.
It has to be love
because only love could cause
that little heart to hang itself
when it learns this will never truly be.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks everyone for you input. It means a lot. I went back through and edited the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stanzas. I hope it is to everyone's liking.
On the one hand, I like this. The cynicism is nicely balanced and it's an interesting look at love. I particularly like your first stanza - a very strong intro that sets a great tone for the rest of the piece.
I'll look forward to reading some more of your work!
Unfortunately, after that it kind of goes downhill. I'm not sure what it is exactly: in part, I think it's that the tone alters somehow and becomes flat rather than challenging. I don't like the last verse at all - not only should "risen" be "raised", the whole switch in concept doesn't flow somehow with the others.
I'd work on the word choice for the second and third verses, and perhaps think about dropping the last verse altogether. I think by that point the concept has done its dash, and it actually fits well with the switch in first lines - i.e. "You wonder if I'm in love/You think I'm in love/If I'm in love" - which seem to link the verses in a kind of narrative that the repetition of the last jars with.
Overall, a fresh look at an old topic and a pretty good piece
Cheers,
~bubbles
Love these two lines more than chocolate:
Your first stanza is wonderful for drawing the reader in. And I loved the imagery, you can see the girl swirling as she rants. Perfect.
The next stanza loses what the first has a little but is still good, and I find it to touch out there in truth.
The third stanza picks up again, I think, with a little sad but somehow hard look into her love.
The final stanza, I think, is the weakest. Perhaps this is merely due to your last line, which I think could have hit a little harder, to fully complete the poem.
In the end I enjoyed the writing stlye, repetition and the look at love, which is an angle that is sometimes ignored for the bigger pitfalls and contradicitons or highs of love. I also liked the movement though social situations.
I really quite liked this poem. Nice work, and I can't wait to see more from you. ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I love the first stanza! However, the second and the third were less then spectacular. But, the last stanza was fairly good.
I enjoyed it. If you were to edit or re edit I think it would be a real jewel.
Nice work!