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Turning the New Fall Leaf

by morgansboss

Fall leaves swirl in shades and hues,
  Bringing forth all after-summer Blues,
  It’s just one season away from the spring renews,
  But all we ever do is feel the rue,
  Of another ending summer and another year to lose.

Can’t we all just spare the time,
  To love and learn and feel the rhyme,
  As fall leave’s swirl in the midday shine,
  And forgetting to walk that certain line,
  Learning how to just combine,
  As living beings of a single kind.

Although the summer’s come and past,
  Perhaps we can maybe make it last,
  Instead of just leaving it all the more fast,
  Flinging it aside like an empty cast,
  If we use our love as the centering mast.

Forget all the tricks and turn the new leaf,
  That alone can wash away grief,
  The season’s changed and underneath,
  Hope can be found among some relief.

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27 Reviews

Points: 1291
Reviews: 27

Sun May 26, 2013 4:26 pm
glovegg wrote a review...

Wow, beautiful! Its very easy to connect to, and understand. : )
As much as I like the rhyming thing, I believe you could possibly take some of it out. I suppose I just have my own style of reading, but that is what I would do. And the interesting thing is, is that you chose more interesting words for rhyming, which I suppose was excellent. Most would just choose a few dull words. But you mixed it very well, so I don't know how much I can critique it.
And did you do it in italics so it would give it a little bit of something different?
Anywho, I believe you did an excellent job with this, I look forward to reading more poems (and/or) anything else you write!

~ GG

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1272 Reviews

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Sat Apr 20, 2013 11:07 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...


I applaud you for attempting a rhyming poem. While rhymes are what come to mind when we think of poetry, they are actually the hardest to do well. That is because making rhymes flow naturally is hard. There is also how you have to structure the poem. Rhyming poems already have a structure, which means it must be conscious and exact.

As a result, most rhyming poems aren't that good. That doesn't mean they're impossible, or that you're a bad poet. It simply means you have a bit more work to do.

Firstly, your rhyming scheme. You are relatively scattered with it. Here's the rhyme scheme I'm reading in the poem, by stanza:

A, A, A, B, C
A, A, A, A, B
A, A, A, A, A
A, A, A, A

When you rhyme a poem, the consistency of the rhyming scheme is essential. This means every stanza should have the same rhyme scheme, or you alternate between stanzas. Either way, there has to be some sort of pattern. Right now, you don't have a pattern.

My biggest suggestion is to pick one and rewrite your poem to fit it. That will make the flow a lot better and people won't be quite so distracted by the rhyme scheme changing every stanza. And be obsessive over what words rhyme with what. The only reason I've given stanza one two different rhymes is they don't match the "ews" sound that the first three lines have. Rue I pronounce "-OO" and lose is "-ze" for me. Therefore, no match.

Good rhyming shouldn't actually be noticed. You achieve that through two primary things: consistency and natural rhymes. I've already mentioned consistency, and now I will mention forced rhymes.

You really only have one really bad one: stanza three, line three ("all the more fast"). That is where the line is structured special, in a non-natural way, to have the rhyme fit. That sort of thing is what you want to avoid. Rhymes should flow in the sentence like you weren't trying to make it rhyme. However, it is something to pay attention to for rewriting the poem.

Also, you use "leave's" in stanza two, line three. That should be "leaves". The apostrophe s determines either possessive, or a conjunction with either is or has. Since none of those options apply, the apostrophe needs to go. Alibi has already pointed out "blues".

All that being said, I found you have the bones of something rather strong. I did enjoy how you showed fall as a rather melancholy period, one where a lot of people start to feel down and it's so long till spring (mind you, the fact you were talking about the beginning of fall and said it was "one season" away from spring made me pause a minute, since you still have all of fall to go through before winter). You tried, but the structure hurts you, here.

And this might be personal taste, but I am not fond of single letter rhyme schemes. They are the most difficult to pull off, and they also have the least variety. You're always ending the the same sound, instead of having the more dynamic schemes like A/B/A/C, A/B/C/B, or A/B/C/C. I'm sure there are more patterns, but those are the ones I see most often.

This could be because I'm a huge fan of poetry being art in every sense of the word. It looks visually beautiful, contains beautiful language, and is interesting to read because of the patterns formed with the words. Having every stanza rhyme on the same sound robs you of that interesting pattern. It becomes a lot more boring.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.


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Points: 494
Reviews: 3

Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:01 pm
TheAlibi wrote a review...

Hey there, I'm The Alibi, Tal for short.

So, positives first! (Who likes to start out with bad news?) I enjoyed reading this poem a lot. I really enjoyed the originality, and that you were able to write an entire poem without a single cliche. (Yep, I counted!)

I especially loved these lines:

Perhaps we can maybe make it last...
If we use our love as the centering mast.

This really touched me, and gave great sailing imagery.

And this:

Hope can be found among some relief.

made me smile :)

However (pulls up writing/editor sleeves), I have a comment or two to make on some ways you might be able to improve this for the reader:

"Fall leaves swirl in shades and hues,
Bringing forth all after-summer Blues,"

I would make 'Blues' lowercase, or make it more obvious why it's uppercase.

"But all we ever do is feel the rue,
Of another ending summer and another year to lose."

Maybe rephrase this a little? I'm fairly certain that 'rue' is a verb, as opposed to something you can feel. Try something like:

But all we ever do is sit and rue,
Of another ending summer and another year to lose.

Final comment:

"And forgetting to walk that certain line,"

Try "And we forget to walk..." or "And so forget...". The word forgetting seems out of place.

That was just some minor nitpicking, but besides that I loved the poem!



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17 Reviews

Points: 337
Reviews: 17

Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:53 am
noelsugarcube says...

wow. first off, this poem feels deep. I think this is a great poem. I especially like the 2nd stanza when it says " Can%u2019t we all just spare the time, To love and learn and feel the rhyme,". People should spare time to feel the rhyme, cause, let's admit it, life goes by too fast. Hope you do more poems this great! send me a link so I can read your stuff! =)

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