Your pale wrists
Have tiny pink scratches
Cut by the rusty boxcutter.
You try too hard.
Attention grabbing whore
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Wow. It definitely caught my attention. If I were you, I would definitely expand it.
Huh. At first I was really confused as to what you meant by this poem, but I understand it now. I agree with Vai, expand it a bit more. Clarify it, add some depth to the narrator's hate.
This will be an awesome poem with work.
Keep writing!
--Dreamy115
I liked that the first lines were short. Like others said, they weren't really grabbing, but I still wanted to keep reading.
I too am totally confused about the "attention grabbing whore" part. If you really want to keep this line, I think you need to expand the story behind it.
Overall, I think this could make a good poem if it were expanded to give us more.
Good luck!
I want to like this poem, but I have no idea what it means. All of the lines make no sense to me. I don't know how to pick anything out and try to help because I can't find a story or moral in here, and I don't know what you are saying at all.
I feel like I am not the only one. I think you should expand on this and try to make it more your own, try and expand on why you used 'boxing' here, because I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.
Expand on this, the last line made me laugh.
Classy
Hello,
I agree with the others, this was far to short. I didn't understand why you thought that someone cutting thier wrists was an 'attention-grabbing whore' to be perfectly honest. You just need to expand on that, to make us feel the same way and to help us to understand.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Your formatting also needs to be fixed. There really shouldn't be such a huge space in between the lines as having each line as a separate stanza doesn't make sense.
As Juniper already mentioned, this poem needs expanding. Right now, it's far too short, and you come off as rather bigoted with the last line. Explain to us why the narrator feels the cutter is an attention-grabbing whore. Show us the way the cutter uses the act of cutting to gain attention. Basically, give us readers a reason to agree that the cutter is an attention-grabbing whore.
Hi, Moosie,'
I don't know what to make of this, haha. The first three lines were soft, and I couldn't judge by them. Why they did not necessarily hook me, they were short enough to keep me reading, but the ending spun downward! Calling whoever a whore seems unduly out of place, because there's no explanation, or anything, other than her cutting herself. You should elaborate on this, and expand it -- for now, it's just a beginning, and you should build on it.
June