You will let me fade.
By breaking the branch, the petals fall,
Like rain on the barren, desolate wood.
It can be replaced,
With gears and metals
That rip young girls apart,
replacing in the process,
The soft, pale radience of
That sticky flesh, that cold.
What can be fixed?
Surely you aren't suggesting
What can't be fixed,
and held in place, The
Broken memoir of that.
The shadows have lifted
And hung over,
Past those drifting, blundering petals,
On their way to be pulled off,
painted new, and fastened
Again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!
well i think its quite good but i suggest you change the title... i dont really see much connection...
no offense but its just as KnightlyAngel09 said...
Other than that i thing its quite promising and that you are talented...
xxx
MilaScribbler
This was really good. Rather confusing though, I must say. I reread it and tried to connect it to the title. Maybe I'm too dense to understand a connection. Anyway, I thought when I read this that its meaing was revolving around how people pretend. The Dancer? Meaing a performer on the stage of life who pretends? That's what I understood. I just didn't grasp the meaning too well. I felt that the poem was dark and also it flows really nicely so I still think this is good.
I sorrta get where you are going with this...
This is a really dark poem so watch your wording
The imagery you give is cold, dark, and gloomy
(if that's what you where aiming for then good job!)
The flow is really lost in this poem. It comes in at certain parts but.....
then BOOM!! its gone
then it starts up again so try to fix that.
The title loses me too but all that aside I really liked it
This poem has alot of potential so really work on it!!
Good job and PM if you change anything!
Okay, the title drew me in (I just love dance), but I am confused as to how "the dancer" relates to this poem.
Title aside, this confused me. At the beginning you seem to be talking about an ex, which can be common. But in the middle you explore humans becoming machines and/or being replaced by them, and at the end you seem to talk about reconciliation.
All three of those are good themes, but in this poem you do not explore them very deeply. This can cause quite a bit of confusion.
As for the overall flow, I agree that you need to work on your line-breaks. A lot of these lines can be hard to read.
Also, I find the lack of individual stanzas rather confusing. It makes the lines blend in together which can be a good thing, but with the amount if imagery in this poem I think you need to break this into stanzas.
Overall I found this to have a lot of promise, but it could use some cleaning up.
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Okay okay.
This is pretty good.
I just think that you need to fix your lines a little bit more.
You know, work out the words a little.
For Instance, The soft, pale radience of
That sticky flesh, that cold.
Maybe change it to The soft, pall radiance of that sticky flesh, that cold.
You know.
Like that.
Try to get a stanza or two to fix the poem up.
I like this poem overall.
I definitely feel like this writing into a new classroom.
How is this related to dancing though?
It's a bit confusing
I fixed some capatalization mistakes...
overall it's ok...
you need more emotions, it's too confusing.
&& explain how it relates to dancing please.