I was born in a clearing near a lake
my earliest memories are but little of that time
or maybe
it's that i don't want to remember
I still remember from the back of my mind
our nest under
the apple tree
and
the cedar and the oaks
my mother
pointing a wing
at
the lake
I knew i was different
I knew the moment
I popped out of my prison
I tripped while my brothers
and sisters
gracefully assended the water
I remember my brother Lucifer
and how he bullied me
and how everyone laughed
at HIS antics
and scowled upon mine
even mother
I left the clearing during the days of coldness
I remember the frost
and wind
and shivering
it was oh so cold!
I remember how i met a kind farmer
but
his children
laughed at me
and threw me out
into
the cold
I remember him coming out
late at night
and feeding me
after his children slept
and he said
"fly hight little one"
and so i left
into the cold
I don't remember much else
after that
except for the numbness
that started
from the tip of my webbed feet
to my beak
so i closed my eyes
I remember opening my eyes
and seeing
a patch of green
in the corner of my eye
and turning
to see
spring had invaded winter
I saw
the lake where i grew up
and these three beautiful creatures
in the middle surrounded by everyone
even Lucifer
I got up
and i knew i wanted to meet them
even if i died
I was going to get up
and swim towards them
and so
I swam
shyly
towards
them
but
to my suprise
they didn't kill me
THEY WELCOMED ME
with open arms
I looked down at the water
and saw four swans
instead of three
and
I knew
I
finally
belonged
happily ever after
*moosie*
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow, I haven't read The Ugly Duckling for years! But I remember the story and this is a great poem describing it!
But, since it tells a story, I wouldn't call it lyric poetry. I would call it narrative poetry.
I especially liked the line break you used on this section:
It is somehow very fluent without being smooth! That's the best kind of sentence fluency.
However, I did not like the fluency in this section. It's very choppy, because it's broken up in the wrong places. When I read it out loud to myself, it sounded wrong.
To make this sound right, I would take the 'finally' back up with the 'I'.
Overall, magnificent job, and good creativity, too!
BlueR
This isn't supposed to have punctuation, right?
I did notice a couple of other things, though,
it's that i don't want to remember
I knew i was different
and so i left
so i closed my eyes
and i knew i wanted to meet them
even if i died
In all of these, you forgot to capitalize your I's. This must be fixed!
gracefully assended the water
In this one, you definitely misspelled ascended. It is spelled with a C, not two S's. Also, you might want to add and "Ascended to the water," so it makes more sense.
I liked it, It's a creative twist on the familiar story and I love it to bits!