I once felt a quite a fancy
to live on Luau Lane.
The simplistic setting
was not found by me in vain.
A buttercup and a daffadil
are lolling around the park.
Setting up their tea and jam
away from Snap's rad barks.
My toenails are a sparkly dew,
my eyes a glistening poo.
For me to feel such a fancy
Is broken and denounced.
The shutters are cracked,
the flowers are smashed.
The windows are broken in two,
(The door is in quite a fix.)
I fix the windows and the doors.
I set up the tea for two.
I paint the sun in the sky,
and part the clouds, "Good day!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
simple and to the point, good stuff that i like
but not something that i would write
well then...
it's a very "chillaxed" kind of narrative.
the narrator didn't seem to be suffer even though she/he had to work in order to fulfill his/her new home...
I guess this is an okay poem but, I'm looking for a rogue element.
I want the writer to show a trade-markable style.
want to be able to read something and tell who wrote it.
this is a good poem but the writer can always do "better", by better I don't mean by standards
I'M not like most people, I don't prattle on about grammar and line structure I cut to the bone of a work and look at the messge. I want to know a writer is telling me .
so when I say better, I mean expressing yourself better
I want to see emotion in the work, even when trying to portray a feeling of neutrality there is a challenge to expressing the divide a character has between his/her /its emotions.
delve deeper into yourself and take your readers with you.
I always engage myself in what I read.
but every reader is that attentive.
most of the time it is the job of you as a writer
to challenge the reader, to entice the reader, to tantalize the reader, to seduce the reader
and envelope the reader in the your textual beauty and granduer, you did "good".
any body with the courage to show their creation is doing "good"
but having a true commitment to ones work is doing, better