My life is still a complete mess. I guess it was because I still haven't gotten over how bitch faced Carmille took my place, but that's for later. Right now I've got bigger problems to face. My laywer told me to tell him everything about my journey as a member of the Platnium Sun. I still have my pink hair and my memories but it's still not the same. I'll start at chapter one. My name is Brie Johnson and I'm being sued 20 million dollors by my record company.
"Eww Bobby! how many cans of bee did you have!" Evie asked him. Evie twirled the end of her dark brown hair and bit her lip. She only did that when she was upset.
"Noot muucth darhling." He slured. Evie looked at his stained graphic tee in disgust. I knew this was a bad idea. I mean Bobby can be such a boob sometimes. Especially when... well when he was drunk.
" Bobby you'd better get it together man. we go on in about 2 hours." Rieley told him.
I looked around the dark sweaty club. The only reason we were here was because Daniel's paperwork got left here. And so I blame our manager completly.
"BOBBY! I cried exasperated. "Hurry up!" I remember the days when every thing was as calm as it could be and we wern't a hot band. Those were the days when Bobby wasn't always drunk and when he could actually stay sane for more often of a time. That was when we were going steady and when the band wasn't overbooked.
"Indifferent... is that what i mean toooooooooo you!" Evie sang. Not to be rude or anything but there is a reason Evie's not our lead singer.
"Im back. Didja miss me?" Daniels Robinson stutted out of a crowd. "Hey I've got the papers lets go now!" Daniels paused. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO BOBBY? EVIE? RIELEY? BRIE?! ANYONE ON THE WHOLE DAMNED PLANET?"
"4 buds happened." Rieley replied. Rieley played with his sticks. He had them where ever he went. He always ran his fingers through his hair when he was pissed off and someone. His hair was a complete mess.
"Well drag him out of here or something. THis is SO bad for your image." Daniels started pacing out the door. "Well hurry up, the limos out back."
Evie and Rieley grabbed his feet while I grabbed is arms. "Come on BB, lets go."
When we were in the limo, Bob woke up. "Hey my heads like up 60 miles an hour. I had the worse dream ever. Hot bitches all over me. crazy like shit man." Rieley looked like he was gonna punch Bobby.
"Listen man get your self together. Do you really want to land in rehab? Cause that's where you'll go if you need to. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life in la la land? Cause that;s where you'll land if you wanna." Bobby looked upset.
"Rieley's right." Evie said. "He just is a boob." She smirked.
"Come on. Break it up." Daniels seemed very upset.
Rieley put his arm over my shoulder. I moved closer to him. "I wish all our troubles would go away." I whispered.
"Me too Babe."
We arrived at the gig 30 minutes later. Bobby was more sane and well, we were too.
"My heads like better." Bobby said. "I think I can play."
"Are you sure?" Daniels asked. "If you aren't we could get a sub..."
"Nah."
"All right then." Daniels tucked his tie back into his suit. "Well let's get going gang."
We all trouped out onto the stage. I sat in sound check for 20 minutes while Rieley smiled at me. I smiled back. Evie and Bobby were arguing again, but for the most part, we were a normal band.
"Ok people, places." The sound dude yelled.
We scrambled off to the wings of the stage. Bobby on bass, Rie on drums, Evie on keyboard, and me on guitar and lead vocals.
The show started out with a bang of smoke and everyone cheered when we came out. I saw Rieley squinting and I followed his gaze as we counted about 2000 spectators. Bobby held out his hand in peace. Everyone cheered. When we were going steady, all the girl fans hated me. They all love Bobby. I mean I did as well.
Rieley started the count off with his sticks. 5 click 6 click 7 click 8 click.
Bobby strummed out the opening chord to "broken hearts".
"whenever I'm with him it feels so wrong/cause im still hung up on you/i see you and your new girl every day/and i pray that i'll mend my heart..." I sang my heart out. I guess the crowd could tell we were on a roll and the really got into it. The clapped and cheered to the rhythm and by the time we got back to the end, the sound was defening.
"Broken hearts dont fit together/broken hearts just fade away/you try to put them back togehter/but the pieces slip away..." Bobby and I strummed the last chord and the crowd went wild. Bobby chucked his pick into the audience. The scramble was pretty fierce.
After we had played all our songs, we packed up our instruments and went to the after party. I was kind of strange having to be invited to your own party. A bunch of people ran up to Bobby and asked for his autograph. I just turned away as a stream of fans, not nearly as big as bobby's came my way.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi moosiegirl,
Mailice here with a short review!
That was a bit of a messy story you wrote here. There's definitely something odd about it, but you can see a thread running through the whole story.
Let's start with the positive. You manage to create a great atmosphere, which also makes the characters seem alive and comprehensible. It also reads very well (apart from the frequent spelling mistakes).
However, I also think that you need to work a bit on the writing style, because although the reading flow is fast, there is a kind of chaos in the text. In some places it's very clear that you did it deliberately to create an effect, but this effect is lost when you read on and come into confrontation with some of the spelling mistakes and such in the meantime.
I would advise you to just read over it again and revise it. It would be important that you keep this chaos in the dialogues, but during the writing (i.e. during the narrator's voice) you keep a calm tone. This contrast would then also have a positive effect on the reading.
Two things I noticed while reading:
A tiny typo here at dollars.
I would suggest that you start to write out tinier numbers. It just looks wrong when you have such numbers standing in a sentence when they aren´t important or in a sense like a time from a clock.
In summary, a great story, but needs some work.
Have fun wrtiting!
Mailice
Well... I haven't figured out how to quote stuff yet, so you'll just have to read it my confusing way.
First...
"as a member of the Platnium Sun"
I think you might be looking for "Platnum"
"I'm being sued 20 million dollors"
I think you're going for "dollars"
"Bobby you'd better get it together man. we go on in about 2 hours"
Comma after Bobby. Possibly add a comma after together. Capitalize We.
Ok, from her on, i'm not going to continue with spelling errors. look over it yourself, or i can write it out another time.
"BOBBY! I cried exasperated. "Hurry up!"
Quotation marks after BOBBY!
"Indifferent... is that what i mean toooooooooo you!" Evie sang. Not to be rude or anything but there is a reason Evie's not our lead singer."
Why is she singing. Who is she indifferent too? I don't get it.
"Hey I've got the papers lets go now!" Daniels paused
Comma after Hey. Period after paper. Capitalize Lets.
First paragraph on a whole could use some work. It bounces around from one topic to another a lot, so its confusing. If you're trying to introduce a lot of different topics, then try to expand a little. It'll flow better.
"Eww Bobby! how many cans of bee did you have!"
Capitalize "How" make it "beer" and add a question mark.
Rieley played with his sticks. He had them where ever he went. He always ran his fingers through his hair when he was pissed off and someone. His hair was a complete mess.
I think you can find a better place to explain about his hair-habit. It's sort of choppy where it is now.
"pacing out the door. " Pacing generally means going back and force, so how can you pace to a destination?
When we were going steady, all the girl fans hated me. They all love Bobby. I mean I did as well.
What's the point of this sentence? maybe you could find a better place to put it?
Is this the end of the story? I think you should add another Chapter to expand on the law suit and the girl named in the first paragraph. Maybe you were planning on it already...
Check spelling!
Re-read it and see if it can flow a little better. Some of what i told you will help that.
Also, if Brie is the main character, then i'd like to know more about her. What are her feeling on Bobby, on being in a band, on not being as popular as Bobby?