Young Writers Society

Heya, Moosie!

First off, I thought this story was really interesting because not a whole people can write about bands and make it interesting- the Stiff Dylans in the 'Georgia Nicholson' series is an exception, because the author describes more of the background and the atmosphere at gigs. Usually when people do bands, though, it ends up like the 'Cheetah Girls' books, which were (needless to say) gag-worthy.

Your story, however, is like the Stiff Dylans- there's a problem, and some interesting characters to go with it.

I could go on all day about what I loved about your story, but I'm a critic, no? I've got to be critical.

DIALOGUE: is really tough to do convincingly. Myself, I've always got a problem with what to do with my characters while they're talking to each other- and you seem to be a kindred spirit. So! I'll lend you some tips I've found from other writers-

1. MAKE YOUR CHARACTERS DISTINGUISHABLE IN DIALOGUE: Not everyone sounds the same when they talk, right? Think of your dialogue as though you're acting out a play. What does one character sound like? The next?

This sounds really, really tough to do- and quite frankly, it is. This is where your characters help you out. There have got to be enough quirks on their part (you did really well in dialogue with your drunkard ) in order to make them 'stick out'.

2. MAKE SURE YOU'VE GOT A SETTING TO DESCRIBE: You can tell in your story that everyone is frantic, so you have things for them to do while they're speaking- looking at their watches, tapping feet, etcetera- but we don't quite know where they are. You may have even made a point of telling us where they are, but in the frenzied mood of the dialogue it was lost in translation. Think of it (again!) as a play. You've got actors, but it's super boring if it's performed against a white backdrop with regular lighting, right? This is why it's important to remind readers of your setting when people are talking.

3. MAKE SURE YOU CAN RELY ON SAID: I know what your teacher told you in third grade English- never use the word 'said', because it's boring. However, what a lot of beginning writers will do with their 'stuttered' and 'ejaculated' and 'yelled' is rely only on the verb to make their point. (Using adverbs to describe these, like "She said, informatively" is just a no-no. NEVER, EVER, EVER use this unless you've got a good reason to.) That's why it's important for a writer to experiment with only using the word 'said' after dialogue- can you get along, using your yummy descriptions and vivid characters to portray how they spoke?

CHARACTERS:

*coaxes Moosie out of hiding place under rock* Now, now, it's not that scary...

I'd recommmend sending your characters through boot camp (aka, Snoink's 'Character Development' course). You've got a lot of characters- and they're all musicians, so they've gotta be really whacked- but yet, I can only remember the woman-trashing druggie, and I don't even know what his name was. (Not exactly the best character to remember, either).

Hmm.

One thing that makes your story really stick out is unique characters, and here, when they're all artists, you can have pretty much free reign with them. Experiment! Have fun!

...hehehe, you can hide some more, now.

Good luck, Moosie! I really want to know where you're going with this- so if you've got a second installment, or just have questions about my ramblings, feel free to PM me.

You really are immuture arent you. I wasn't aiming it at you BleedingHeart. Only the first line. The rest was for Mossie. I'll make it more clearer next time.

Dear Emma,

U got it all wrong..

I dint write that story..It was written by Moosie Girl..
I was providing a review..

Bleeding heart, you're 23...

ANYWAY

MOOSIEGIRL

You rush straight into the story. You seem to give us no introduction. We are hit with these characters all of a sudden.

Plus, you just tell the story, you explain it, feel it... what ever. We want to know how Bobby's expression on his face changed, e.g. his lips curling out, his eyes looking down towards the floor. You know what I mean?

Always remember to put a capital letter after a full stop. The English teachers go MAD when that happens so best to avoid getting a smacking by putting in that capital letter.;]

But I do like what you have here, you have a plot and I would love to see where this is going.

I'm not meaning to be harsh or anything. You do so much better than what I did at twelve. I could barely write to save myself. Still can't. Plus I can tell you have a good imagination. Niceeee. So stick in there, pratice and please keep on with this story. Don't give up because a few people said something that might offend you. Here's what I say: do your best to prove them wrong. Show them what you're really made of.:]

I dun think im mature enough as a writer to give a review about anything.

But if u ask me my honest answer would be that it looks like you were a bit drunk yourself when you wrote the story.

It doesnt start or end at any point.Too many characters with no description about even one of them.

But at the age of 12 if u managed to write that much you have a great future.All da best.No hard feelings.