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Young Writers Society


16+

All That We Are: Chapter 2

by moonpolice


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

“No.” I said, grabbing onto Alden’s arm. “This isn’t happening. Can this even happen? I’ve never heard of a kid transferring in in the middle of the year.”

“I know.” Alden whispered back. The guy straightened up from his position in front of the teacher, Mrs. Curr, and made his way slowly to the only open seat in the room, which, of course, was the one right next to me.

Up close, he was a lot taller, a lot blonder, and a lot prettier than I had thought when I saw him on the pier. He had a long nose and really pretty, really bright green eyes. As far as I could tell, the only flaw on his face was a scar on his upper lip, possibly from a surgery to fix a cleft palate.

He smiled at me, the right corner of his mouth pulling up just a little farther than the left. It was enough to make any girl swoon, but for some reason, it just made me nervous. “Hey.”

“Uh. . .”

“HI!” Alden said loudly, pinching the back of my neck. “This is Lake, and I’m Alden.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet y’all. I’m Max” He said, holding out a hand, which I shook. His fingers were long and thin, and I could see his tendons standing out underneath the skin. Definitely a piano player.

Somehow, his accent made him seem more real. He might have been this gorgeous human specimen, but at least he was from a place on Earth, and not some faraway alien planet where they create supermodels.

I found myself smiling back at him. “Nice to meet you.”

As Max did his best to tuck his long legs underneath his desk, a blue folder slipped off his desk. He moved to catch it, but he wasn’t fast enough, and several pages of sheet music slid across the floor. I reached down and picked up the one closest to my foot.

“Goldberg Variations. Interesting.”

Max’s head snapped up, and his eyes seemed to almost get brighter. “You know Bach?”

I shrugged. “Some. Enough to know the greatest hits.”

He laughed. “Yeah. He’s a good choice. I like Bach, but I’m more of a Debussy fan, you know?”

“Max and Lake,” Mrs. Curr said in a stern voice. “I realize that the life and times of Mark Twain are not incredibly exciting, but, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like you to both try to grin and bare it.”

I turned forward, my cheeks burning red. Ten minutes later, when I glanced back at Max, he was still grinning.







“I canNOT believe you!” Alden squealed at me as we settled into our table at the front of the art room.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, come ON!” He said, rolling his eyes. “Six foot, three inches of pure, unadulterated hunk sits himself right beside you, and all you can come up with is ‘Goldberg Variations’?”

I shrugged as I set up my table easel. “I like Bach.”

“Bach is not what you talk about when you’re trying to pick up guys.”

I groaned. “Maybe I’m not trying to pick him up. Maybe I’m a lesbian.”

“You’re not a lesbian.”

“You don’t know.”

“Oh, I know.”

I rolled my eyes, something I did a lot when I was around Alden, but kept my mouth shut as I finished setting up my station. Art, and more specifically painting, was something that was incredibly therapeutic for me. I loved the way the brushes fit in my hands and the nearly-silent whisper noise the bristles made when they came in contact with canvas. Painting was a way for me to let go of all of the heaviness of life.

As if my hand was working on my own, black lines started appearing on my page. I wasn’t sure what I was painting. It was possible that I wouldn’t know until it was almost finished. That was the thing about art; it was everything you could get away with.

“Lake. Lake! Hellooo, Earth to Lake!”

Alden’s hand on my back was like a splash of cold water. I looked up at my painting and groaned. Being startled had made me drag the red of a farmhouse across a green field. I set it aside, knowing that I would have to deal with it later. Once I started a painting, I never left it unfinished.

My music class was one of the only classes that I didn’t have with Alden, and as we parted in the hall, he overdramatically hugged me goodbye, as if we would never see each other again.

“Be safe, my beautiful water formation. I love you so.”

I laughed as he disappeared into the choir room. I wasn’t alone for long, though, because the one-and-only Max Avery appeared just as I was about to open the door to my music class, Advanced Piano.

“Hey, Lake!” He said, grinning from ear to ear. “Are you in Advanced Piano, too?”

“Yeah.” I laughed, feeling a little awkward. I wasn’t actually very good at piano, and it freaked me out that he was going to be able to hear me play. “I had to take a music class, so I chose piano.”

“So I guess this is why you know Goldberg Variations.”

I held up my own green folder. “I’ve been working on the same piece for a couple of months.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could, the vengeful snake that was Victoria Platt looped an arm through his. “Hey, Maxy.”

He smiled at her, and I could feel my skin crawl. “Hey, Vicki.”

“You should totally sit with me in this class.” She said, twisting one of her brunette curls around her finger.

His smile faltered. “Um, actually, I was planning on sitting with Lake.”

Victoria, as if suddenly noticing me for the first time, looked me over with cold, grey eyes. “I’m sure that Blake wouldn’t mind.”

I didn’t know where my confidence came from, but it just kind of exploded out of me. “It’s ‘LAKE’, and I actually do mind.” I grabbed Max’s hand, ignoring the electrical charge that seemed to run between us, and pulled him into the room.

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Author's Note:

I'm kind of sorry for this chapter. I have the big plot points planned out, but I'm struggling to get through the middle parts.


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25 Reviews


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Tue Feb 16, 2016 11:32 pm
zsmith wrote a review...



Hey there, it's me again! Back for chapter two, because chapter one was short but enticing. There's something alluring about teen fiction. I think it's the light-heartedness and flashbacks to high school. (Sigh... I miss high school).

nit pick:
“I know.” Alden whispered back.
There should be a comma there instead of a full stop. "I know," Alden whispered back.
Your punctuation through out needs some work, but I think someone else has pointed that out, so I'll keep quiet.

You did a great job at describing new guy. I like the thing about the accent and how you deduced he played piano. I like the conversations between Lake and Alden - they're realistic, likeable, relatable characters. Good job.

Anyway, I dont have much to say for this chapter because not a whole lot happened. Let me know when you post chapter three, I'm interested in following this story.

As for your author's note, NEVER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN. Seriously. I know nothing ground-breaking or action packed happened in this chapter, but it wasn't like it was a drag to read. You're still fleshing out the characters and setting things up for something bigger, we get it. However, one thing that you could do, just a suggestion of something that I would do, is foreshadow what's going to happen later. Drop a few hints, or raise a question that has no answer yet, create a little mystery - something to get the readers hooked. The only thing hooking us at the moment is the mystery of the new guy and why he seems interested in Lake - and that's fine, you can leave it at that. But if something bigger is going to happen, maybe foreshadow it a bit so we're keen for it and have something to look forward to.

Keep writing!
-Zsmith




moonpolice says...


Hey! Thanks for all your input. Chapter three is actually finished and sitting in my documents, but I'm in the process of editing it. Like you and several other people have pointed out, I really need to work on my punctuation. It should be out by tomorrow night at the latest.



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Tue Feb 16, 2016 3:04 am
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hey it's me again (I said I'd be here). Just wanted to say, I like this chapter better than the first one and I think it was a lot more amusing--the first chapter is the hardest. You're in luck. I have some tips for you that I think will help.

1st: The very beginning of this chapter was hard to follow but I guess I'd be easier if it was in one book. So try to make it easier for your readers to understand.

2nd: Alden seems VERY annoying. Haha, which I guess is part of his personality but he kind of overpowers Lake. You need to watch out for that because Lake is the main character...right?

3rd: Work on your format and punctuation. It's not a bad idea to look at books you have on the shelve for help with this sort of stuff.

I have some corrections for your writing. I'm going to number these with roman numerals for you to follow more easily.

I. “No.” I said, grabbing onto Alden’s arm. “This isn’t happening. Can this even happen? I’ve never heard of a kid transferring in in the middle of the year.”

“I know.” Alden whispered back. The guy straightened up from his position in front of the teacher, Mrs. Curr, and made his way slowly to the only open seat in the room, which, of course, was the one right next to me.

(Why does she sound like she's in despair? I thought she liked the attention).

Correct punctuation:

No," I said grabbing onto Alden's arm. "This isn't happening. Can this even happen? I've never heard of a kid transferring in the middle of the year."

"I know," Alden whispered back. The guy straightened up from his position in front of the teacher, Mrs. Curr, and made his way slowly to the only open seat in the room, which of course, was the one right next to me.

II. “I canNOT believe you!” Alden squealed at me as we settled into our table at the front of the art room.

“What are you talking about?”

(Annoying Alden... hahaha... you can just do "CANNOT" problem solved).

Most of the problems that are here are just with punctuation. When you have a quotation put a comma after it unless there is a question mark or explanation point at the end.

Example: "Hello, my name is Lake," she said.

Incorrect way: "Hello, my name is Lake." She said.

She said there doesn't look like it's working with "Hello, my name is Lake" so you put a comma there to know what goes with what. Also I want to encourage you not to use choppy wording again because it looks sloppy and it's hard to follow. I did enjoy this chapter but again add more description and don't feel rushed. It's like doing your makeup. If you rush it looks like a big mess.

Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged.





"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.