PART 1
It was a normal, cold November night for the Kaminsky family - well, whatever you would consider normal for them. Leo’s mom had just cracked open her 3rd bottle of whiskey for the day and his little sister Angela, 14 at the time, was in her room, where she spent most of her time to stay away from their mother.
Leo looked out the window of their little trailer and was immediately consumed by the beautiful views of their small northern Wisconsin town. Although you couldn’t see much more than trees, if you looked closely you would begin to see the wildlife come to life. Leo would watch the squirrels play and bunnies naw on the grass. Every once in a while he would see a large elk make its way through the forest. Leo would lose himself in the beautiful views and try as hard as he could to escape from the inevitable. Although this town was beautiful, it could also get very lonely.
**Due to his mother’s alcoholism and his father leaving very early in his life, Leo found himself constantly having to protect his sister, who is only 3 years younger than him. Between feeling like a bodyguard and the continuous arguing with his mother he could became very overwhelmed. Being able to have a normal life is something Leo yearned for, and that’s why people think he did it.
"Angie, are you hungry?" Leo asked, peaking into his little sister's room. She didn't respond because she had earbuds in, another way she drowned out the noise. As per usual, she was drawing, engulfing herself in the vivid colors and designs. Her drawings were amazing, and she clearly enjoyed them. This particular drawing was of a woman standing alone in a beautiful daisy field, raising her hands towards the sun.
“Is that you?” Leo practically yelled.
Angela jumped causing her glasses to fall off her head and then quickly flipped around. She immediately seemed upset that he had startled her but Leo was laughing so hard that she couldn’t help but laugh herself, but that didn’t stop her from giving him a good sock to the arm.
“No seriously, your picture is really good!” Leo said as the laughter died.
“Yeah well, sometimes you wish your imagination could be your reality” she said shoving the picture into a folder then pulling her round glasses over her eyes.
Leo sighed. “Well, are you hungry?”
Angie shook her head yes and grabbed her bag. She knew they wouldn’t be eating at home. Leo could only ever scrape up enough money to grab a few burgers from McDonald's. They were never able to really go grocery shopping.
They tiptoed as quietly as possible through their cold dark living room to avoid waking their mother. She was sitting on the couch with her head between her legs. Her thin reddish-brown hair hung to the floor. Leo looked over and saw her and realized how uncomfortable she would be when she woke up, so he leaned her back onto the pillow. When he covered her up and began to walk away, he heard her start to wake up so he hurried to the door. He started to push Angie in front of him before turning around when his mom stood up quickly.
“Where do you think you two are going?” She slurred while stumbling towards them.
“We were just going to get some food mom.” Leo said.
“You were just going to leave me here alone?” She asked beginning to raise her voice.
“Well, we were jus..” Angie started.
“Shut up!” Linda Screamed.
Leo got nervous and moved closer to his sister. His mom could get quite dangerous, and he didn’t want anything bad to happen to his sister. Linda started to walk to the kitchen. When Leo and Angie thought her back was turned, they started to go out the door. Leo heard footsteps behind him. Fear overcame him and he grabbed Angie by the arm and started to run. The footsteps never seemed to get further away. The faster Leo went, the faster the footsteps went, and he was really starting to panic.
“Leo, calm down I think we are far enough away from her now!” Angie yelled pulling her arm away.
“No Angie! She’s right behind us!” Leo yelled while looking behind him. It came to his surprise that no one was there. He looked at his sister and then felt a sudden sharp pain in the back of his head. It felt as if he was struck by something. His vision started to go blurry, and he watched his sister try to help him to the ground before everything went black.
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141,378 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hello!
Your writing is quite nice. Asides from a few minor grammatical mistakes ("peaking" should be "peeking" for example), it flows very well and I never had to stop and reread a sentence to understand it. I was a bit confused by the "**" starting the 3rd paragraph off, but that could be a stylistic thing. I also enjoy Angie and Leo's relationship: already, I get a sense of the fondness they have for one another, and their bond. My only serious complaint is that at times, the dialogue can seem a little stilted. Some punctuation in the lines could fix this, and more use of contractions could also make it feel more natural. There are part where the conversations feel a little bit artificial too. This said, dialogue is a hard thing to master, and certainly something I struggle with as well, so you're doing pretty well with it. My last comment would be that the beginning feels a little too exposition-y, but it's also certainly not a bad way of introducing the central characters and family dynamics, especially since you need to get people hooked quickly. The insight into Leo's struggle regarding his sister is interesting to hear about.
Thanks for reading, and good luck with your writing!
I really enjoyed this so thought I'd give a few comments on your work.
Firstly, I particularly liked the fact you suggested the Kaminsky's weren't a typical family. This creates a series of questions within the reader to keep them interested, right from the first paragraph. The opening is very good but I would suggests shortening the last sentence:
" Leo’s mom had just cracked open her 3rd bottle of whiskey for the day and his little sister Angela, 14 at the time, was in her room, where she spent most of her time to stay away from their mother." - for me this is too lengthy and therefore makes me disinterested.
This is easily fixed by breaking it up a little bit. For example,
"Leo's mom had just cracked open her third bottle of whisky for the day. His little sister, Angela (fourteen at the time), was in her room. She spent most of her time there." I personally don't think you need to add the last part. It's important to keep the reader guessing and not give too much away.
I noticed a couple of times that you describe the characters well but personally I feel you add too much. For example, ' Due to his mother’s alcoholism and his father leaving very early in his life' isn't that necessary in the piece. Although, it does add information that is vital to understanding the characters; just be careful that you don't tell the reader everything at once. The reader wants to guess and work out who the characters are - they want questions answered but not straight away! This is similar here:
'Leo got nervous and moved closer to his sister. His mom could get quite dangerous, and he didn’t want anything bad to happen to his sister.' The second sentence isn't needed as the phrase 'moved closer to his sister' alludes to the fact that he needs to protect her.
With that said, I enjoyed the ending. I liked the cliffhanger at the end which really leaves you wanting more. I would suggest to use shorter sentences to build the tension and perhaps consider using an ellipsis (...) to highlight the suspense.
Overall, I thought this was a very good piece and look forward to reading more!
Thanks so much for the insight! I will for sure fix those things and consider your comments while working on the next part !