Published March 4, 2008
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Ok, I REALLY like it. You've got something going here. Could be big. The story is seems really interesting, and I like the way you described his method of healing. Other than a couple grammar problems, there's only one thing that need improvement on. This is chapter one, right? (If it isn't I'm going to look like a complete idiot.) Well, I didn't really get what was going one. In the first chapter, shouldn't there be more description? Like it's explaining the story, the lay of the land. But you kinda jumped into it so fast I couldn't even tell where you landed. But keep at it, it's terrific!
All right. This isn't bad. First things first, though. You've got to get the formatting right, because it's driving me crazy. Whenever someone new speaks, you should start a new paragraph:
Should be:
Also, read this aloud to yourself. There are so many simple mistakes with the wording and punctuation that I think I'll go crazy trying to help fix them all. As a general rule, if you pause while reading something, there should probably be a comma there, and if you stop, there should be a period. A single, full thought should be it's own sentence. For instance, in that first paragraph, the comma after "her" in the second-to-last sentence should probably be a period, making the second part of the sentence its own sentence.
Apart from all the grammar and syntax and formatting errors, this is good. I like the thought and the progression.