Published April 20, 2009
A dark sky above me,
As I walk through the grass.
The peacefulness surrounds me
One world, one mass.
I stop for one long moment,
To watch the moon rise in the sky.
I am alone and yet I feel comfort
I feel warmth and yet I still sigh.
In this place of beauty,
There is but one thing I crave.
To share this breathing place with someone,
To give them what he gave.
He took me here long ago,
When I was still a child.
I look up to the skies,
Remembering his smile.
Those days are gone now
and this place sees only me.
The path is now only traveled,
By a lonely girl and the ghost of he.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
love it
Well, I have to confess this poem didn't really make an impact on me. I'm not sure if it was the rhyme scheme or because you didn't really explain anything, but it just felt kind of blah, you know?
Structurally, there were a few problems with your rhyming - "grass" and "mass" don't really rhyme, for example - though you did well for the most part in not making it seem forced. The only line that felt like you were really stretching for a rhyme was the last line, which I would highly recommend you play with and see if you can get it to fit without having to murder English grammar to do so
There were also a few places where you broke the rhythm; I'd suggest going over it and tapping out the syllables, see if you can fix where you've gone wrong. It's not necessary to keep to a strict syllable count, I suppose, but you do want to be fairly regular given the rhyme scheme.
As far as the subject matter goes, it has potential, but it's being obscured by the form (IMHO, anyway). The fact is that poems of this sort are a dime a dozen, and you really need to work hard to give them an individual/original slant. The idea of a place being central to your memories of "him" is a good start, but you need to build on that a bit more, make it really personal rather than just generalized grief. As it stands, this is what I would call navel-gazing poetry in that it only fully makes sense to the poet; it doesn't share enough with the reader to make them involved. Next time, perhaps you could try out some literary devices - metaphors, similes, etc. - to hook us in and get us to feel along with you, rather than telling us about your experiences (assuming the poem is factual, rather than hypothetical, but even so).
I'm sure you can develop this into an awesome poem - just keep working on it
Cheers,
~bubbles