I am drowning in myself.
Not in water, but in every thought, every feeling, every sharp shard of memory slicing through the quiet.
I pull away because the noise outside is too loud; too much, but also because the noise inside me is unbearable.
My heart is a war zone I don’t dare step into, so I retreat into silence like armor.
I avoid people not because I don’t want connection, but because every word, every look, every breath from them feels like another cut and abandonment.
I crave peace, but peace feels like a stranger; something I once knew, now buried beneath layers of fear, pain and rejection.
I feel everything too deeply.
Joy turns to ache.
Love turns to longing.
Hope turns to desperation.
And I am left holding all of it alone.
I wonder if the world even sees me or if I’m just a ghost wandering through my own life, invisible, unheard.
But I realize I am not broken because I break.
I am not less because I feel hurt.
I am alive because I feel.
Because beneath all this chaos, I still keep breathing, still keep reaching for light even when I can barely see it.
This pain is part of me, but it is not all of me.
And somewhere inside, beneath the weight, there is a fierce, stubborn spark.
The part of me that will fight for myself, even when I think I have nothing left.
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137,429 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hey there, moodybeanbag24! A hearty welcome to YWS, first and foremost
I thought- what could be a better welcome than reviewing your first work here? Afterall, I remember how excited I was about mine when I first came here and kept refreshing the site every few hours, ah good old days.. Anyways, hope this is helpful and everything you were hoping for! Let's dive right in (that's my go to phrase because of my 1st avatar being a turtle and it kind of became quite popular around here)~
This piece is so raw and vulnerable, something I'm sure a lot of us have experienced at times but have perhaps been too afraid to pen down. Good on you for writing it down to channel your inner thoughts better! The first thing I noticed about the poem is the structure, or lack thereof. It's unconventional- no rhymes, no specific line length, no verses, no meter. It's prose-poetry! I'm not sure if that's what you were going for to begin with or it's just you starting out poetry after your friends told you that you'd be good at it. I won't lie- you've got a lot to learn. But I can see the spark, and YWS resources will help you at every step of the way.
Some things that this poem did exceptionally well-
1. Descriptions- It might be a while before you master poetry, but you sure know how to write! The narrative is incredibly pulling, something that is clearly a skill you must've developed through storywriting. They're appealing in a way that make me want to read more- and I want you to know how rare that is. The language is simple, perfect for a reader with an incredibly limited vocabulary (like myself), but you should definitely try expanding yours if you can.
2. Tone/Progress- This I've seen even some of the best written works miss, and that's a natural flow of events. The sentence length shifts throughout, and so does the narrative in way that moves the plot or train of thoughts forward. First, the narrator is overwhelmed. But then they get back up and realise this'll pass as well and thus are determined to fight through it. Such an empowering message! You've definitely put some work behind it.
I do think some parts could be cut short and said more poetically, whatever that is, but this as your debut piece is perfect. It's rich in it's own way and has it's own voice- that's all one could really ask for. Perhaps try with rhymes the next time if you want to transition to more conventional poetry? Internet and YWS both have tons of tutorials for that. Feel free to reach out even to me if you need help learning. I'm sure you'll do just fine by your own though m It's YOIR journey, we're just here to help you.
Anyways, that's all for now! See you around. Feel free to poke me or any mod (anyone with a green name) if you need help navigating the site. It was a pleasure reviewing this, happy writing. Until next time~
Love,
Alex
Hello!
)!!
I really liked this poem and wanted to leave a review, so let’s get started
I think this was a strong start to your poem! I loved how you present this imagery of drowning in one’s thoughts and feelings like drowning in a pool. However, I think that getting rid of the “not in water” part could help with making the metaphor more powerful as it seems a bit redundant to mention when you have already mentioned drowning.
I love how you portray this picture of being stuck and trying to get away from one thing only to be confronted by another with nowhere to turn to for safety. To connect with the first couple lines better, I think mentioning the noise inside you first would make more sense: “I pull away because the noise is unbearable, but the outside is not much better” or something like that.
The theme of war and chaos is prevalent here with comparing the heart to a war zone and the silence to armor, you communicate the message that there is no peace, only anxiety and panic.
I really liked what you did when you listed people’s actions towards you. I think it could be expanded upon by adding something like, “...every word they say, every look they give, and every breath they take…” I also think the word “abandonment” could be replaced here since it felt out of place as I was reading it. Maybe saying something that matches “cut” could work!
When I was reading this, a thought popped up in my head. When you said ”I crave peace” it instantly made me think of peace as a drug that once gave you the effect you desired, but with all the traumatic experiences you went through, you build a higher tolerance to it. Kind of random, but I thought it was cool lol.
This was such an interesting part of the poem. I really liked how you brought into light how because there is so much fear, anxiety, and sadness that when the person is experiencing something good, it’s almost like they wring out all the dopamine from it and it quickly turns into something dull and unfulfilling. The weight of these feelings ends up becoming so great that it feels like no one else understands nor is willing to help you. I think adding “and” between “invisible” and “unheard” would help with connection. It felt a little spotty to me.
This was my favorite part of the poem! Not just because of the hopeful outlook it brings, but also because it was completely unexpected. Despite all the despair and fear, there is still a fire that is not willing to go out, even though everything feels hopeless.
I think that’s all for now, but this was a great read! I hope I get to see more from you soon!
-Redhood