Young Writers Society

Hi! This is D.B.

First, welcome to YWS!!

Second, this story was jaw-dropping with its descriptive language. I absolutely adored the way you emphasized the other senses even from the beginning to really draw the reader into the dark environment that the character was in. On top of that, you took those senses and made super beautiful metaphors with them. The footsteps resembling their friend's heartbeat was so clever and showed the signs of disbelief the character was feeling about their passed friend. Similarly, the ritual of beating feet strikes the reader with the agonizing grief the character felt. It also mirrors other culture's forms of grief like beating their chests; that once again helps at a element of realness to draw in the reader's imagination.

Your poetic style of writing is so gripping, I was left wanted to know more about this world and character. Of course it is up to you---and a short story can be left a short story and still leave a great impact--- but this world has a lot of potential to expand, and I would always be happy to read more. Keep up the amazing work! You have a talent in storytelling!

Thanks for sharing,
D.B. 😊

Hi...welcome to YWS

Here my thoughts about the poem.Sending away a loved one is an incredibly emotional journey, one that I can relate to deeply after experiencing a recent loss. The character in the story feels the weight of sadness as he bids farewell to his friend, capturing the pain of separation. The moment he senses a faint pulse from the maid, almost as if his friend is still with him, highlights the strong bond they shared. This small glimmer of hope in a moment of despair emphasizes their deep connection and the struggle of letting go.

The ritual in the caves represents a significant part of this journey, as many people go through similar ceremonies to help the dead find peace. Watching the ritual unfold, the character feels a mixture of sadness and reverence, understanding the importance of guiding his friend to the light. Returning to the empty chambers afterward brings a heavy silence that feels unbearable without his friend's presence. The absence is palpable, making the quiet even more profound, and the journey of letting go leaves a lasting impact on his heart.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

This is quite an interesting little tale that really touches on our hearts about what it means for these people to die and its captured beautifully. Really ends up bringing a tear to us readers or at least to me.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

I stood over the body of my dead friend. In our society, it fell upon the individual who was closest to the person in life to carry out their death rite. I felt the cloth rub on my skin as I gently draped the fabric over the corpse, covering every part of the body except the feet. Footsteps from the tunnel next to me were approaching. For a wonderful moment I thought it could have been my friends pulse springing back to life after a long hiatus. Just as quickly as the thought appeared, it was wrenched from my head as I recognized the patterns of the vibrations. It was not my friends pulse, instead the rhythmic walking of the cavern maid. It was time for the ritual.

These caves protect us from the blazing danger of the heavens. We hide from the light, trading sight for safety. Only the dead dare to venture beyond the shadows, and it is our responsibility to help them.

I held the body in my arms as I moved up the stairs. The heat from beyond the walls scorched my skin. A thousand agonies erupted in my flesh, colonies of pain spreading into my very being. In every way my nerves were being overwhelmed, but all I could focus on was what was not there. My friend's heartbeat was missing. Even as I clutched them so close to my chest it could barely rise to let air in, I could not feel their life. Great beasts moved above me in the fiery heat of stone unprotected. Soon my friend will be one of them, living beyond death in the place only the lifeless can go.

The cool air of the shielded cavern relieved my pain momentarily. I recited the guttural incantation as I laid the body down. I began the rhythmic pounding of stone with my feet. Gently at first, then hard. So hard I could feel my skin split and a wetness form around me. Still I did not stop. The searing pain on my soles was nothing compared to the loss of my closest friend. I had felt this ritual so often from elsewhere in the caves, others performing it for their dead - the vibrations so intense it travelled the complex tunnels effortlessly. I beat and beat and beat until every thread of tissue in my body became the essence of misery. The heat from the outside walls dropped first to warmth, then blissful coolness. Only then did I stop, my legs failing me and dissolving into painful lumps.

The ritual was complete. I was carried back to my chambers where my feet were bandaged and soothed. It felt so empty without my friend, but at least they live on beyond the caves.

Hi montmartre!

Welcome to YWS, I love the username!

My favorite thing about this piece way you created a civilization without sight, and how you do a really good job at describing everything else! Like how distinct footsteps are instantly recognizable through the vibrations. :0

I felt like you did a good job of placing the readers in the moment and subtly showing us that there is no light or sight, and your descriptions make it feel like it's not needed. Really nice to see all the hints at what a whole people are like from such a short story.

I am left with a couple of lingering questions, though! Totally not necessary to answer all of these in the story, but I just thought I'd let you know what the story made me wonder in case that's helpful or if you want to expand.

These caves protect us from the blazing danger of the heavens. We hide from the light, trading sight for safety. Only the dead dare to venture beyond the shadows, and it is our responsibility to help them.

I am very sorry to hear about your friend.

I know the pain, I have felt this before. Last year my grandfather from my maternal side died, I was sitting in the room close by the place rituals were held. Okay so, in my society, we burn their body, so that they get a good afterlife. But it is a very painful process to watch your own family burn. I sat in the room the whole time because I couldn't watch him their, lying lifeless. I did not cry, not even a single drop of tear fell from my eyes that day, but I felt the pain. The pain of losing.
May your friend get a good afterlife.
Thank you.