Note:
I took a long break from the last one because of exams. I was originally going to have the storm shelter be one long chapter but to give myself a bit of a rest I'm going to split it up into 2 or 3 chapters. Sorry if it ends a bit abruptly but it'll link well into the next one (hopefully [。_。] )
The storm shelter is huge, imposing. It's dark, rocky walls have been smoothed as best they can but still jut out occasionally. Not my first choice for hiding away from a vicious storm for hours, but at least it's safe.
"This way", Mestea says. "My favourite spot is just over here." They lead us to a small hollow in the wall away from the main crowd. Soft chairs follow the rock's curvature and small screens display information about the storm. "Sit, please." Mestea wiggles their lower half on the seat and looks at me. "Earth saying: comfy."
The stranger and I do as we're told and take a seat. Hmm, it is comfy.
"I take it you come here often, this particular shelter?" the stranger asks curiously.
"Of course. I am always in this sector guiding tourists and hosting educational trips to the nearby forests. I am Mestea, by the way" They bow their head.
The stranger takes their hand - again, I say hand for simplicity's sake - and wriggles it in a gesture similar to an Earth handshake. "You can call me Bolo, it's the phonetic version of my telepathic name." He turns to me. "And you are?"
"Harper," I replicate the gesture he did with Mestea. "Pleasure to meet you."
I have a lot more questions about his name but I decide not to scare him off too quickly. "What brings you to Thoran Prime?"
"Well, it's a bit of a long story really. It all started when my daughter asked for Alloptrian sapphire hibiscus for her birthday. Now of course I couldn't just travel to Alloptria, what with all the restrictions at the moment, so I had to first catch the Alpha Centauri Comet Express to Echo Beta..."
He speaks for about 10 minutes before I begin to zone out. I feel bad for doing it but the man just does not know how to tell a succinct story. Sorry Bo, if you're hearing this.
"...and so I met with their Prime Minister - an old friend, mind you - who then, after all the usual greetings and catching ups were done, told me he knows someone on Solos IV who could help. Now, this wasn't exactly legal. Both of us could end up on a way trip to - what do you Terrans call it? Auzt...Aust...Astralya?"
"Australia," I say. Bit of a long story, best not to think about it too much.
"Right, Australia. But that never stopped old Jhehni, always had a corrupt streak to him. Maybe that's why he got into politics...Anyway, he set up the meeting - the only catch being I had to meet up with this contact in person on a neutral planet. So I hopped back onto the Comet Express and headed right over there. Bit turbulent, but the food was great as always and the entertainment was mediocre but I liked the concept. It was an experimental joint musical-opera-manuscript..."
Now look, usually I love hearing people's stories. The rich tapestries of their inner lives unfolding piece by piece, but there's just something about Bolo's voice. So soft, so soothing. My eyelids seem to grow heavy, I struggle to keep them open. "...Great visuals but..." Bolo's voice is so far away. "...Reminiscent of a show I once saw on..." My head gently sways, a warm cloud enveloping me like a blanket on a winter's night...
I wake with a start to Mestea's leg nudging mine. I look over to Bolo, still chatting away about some Echonian spice merchant completely unphased. Either he didn't notice me drift off or is too polite to say anything. I've never done anything like that before, I admit I'm quite embarrassed. It must be something in the stale shelter air.
"...And that's how I finally ended up here on Thoran Prime, with you guys!" He hugs us both and takes out some sort of notebook with his third hand. "I must add this to my journal."
"Please," I wheeze. "Too...tight."
"Oh, apologies!" Puh! Air. Sweet, sweet air.
I look over to his journal. Little knick knacks fill the pages - pictures of Bolo on his various adventures, letters presumably from home, quick sketches of exotic inspirations made in the page's margins. One particular page catches my eye. It's a photograph of a beach, a Thesian one by the looks of it. I went there once. Many, many years ago. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, so...Earth-like. I miss that beach, those stars, the wonderful jasmine air that reminded me so much of home. A home I can never go back to.
"Enough about me though," Bolo's voice brings a welcome distraction. He finishes his journal entry with a flourish of his pen and looks up at me. "What brings you here, Harper?"
I shake the last of those memories from my mind. "Ah, nothing specific. Just sort of travelling around, looking for cool stuff to do, studying new cultures, breaking a few interstellar laws along the way." I wonder if he can sense the omission. "Oh and I recently found this really this really cool toy from the neighbouring star system." I pull a metallic green sphere out of my bag. "Look, it has little blinking lights and almost slices your fingers clean off if you don't pull away fast enough! Ow! Not quick enough that time."
Bolo turns to Mestea. "Are all humans like this?"
"More or less. A most unusual species."
"Indeed. You'd think they'd have some sort of self-preservation instincts."
"Yes. He is playing with that torture instrument with the same glee as an Elzex child with a mallow orb. How they made it to interstellar travel is beyond me."
"Hey!" I look up from the toy. "That lack of preservation is exactly what made us develop space travel three centuries earlier than the galactic average. Plus, life is incredibly funner this way." I go back to almost slicing my fingers off.
___
Three hours have passed. Storms on Thoran Prime can range anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 hours and we can do nothing but sit here and wait it out. After about the fifth time nearly becoming an amputee I give up on my torture instrument and turn my attention to my surroundings. I notice sporadic holes in the walls, food storage no doubt and perhaps even some basic bedding if this is one of the more organized shelters. The Elzex really are great hosts, but they unfortunately neglected to provide any sort of entertainment in this shelter.
I sigh, fidget, drum my fingers on my knee, all while looking around fruitlessly for something to do. I'm curious to know more about Bolo's abilities. Most races have some sort of underlying telepathic ability to sense subtle emotional changes or to work better as groups, but very rarely does it develop as strongly as the Helenian's. Time for an experiment.
Bolo, if you can hear this - or sense it, I guess - project the image of the shelter's right corner in my mind.
"I can't do that"
Why not?
"You're telepathic ability is too weak. I can sense your thoughts but you're unable to sense mine. To send anything to your mind, we need a two-way link."
Mestea gives him an inquisitive look, then notices me laser-focused and seemingly staring him down and puts two and two together. They tilt their head back slightly.
"Harp-er, can you please go two minutes without insecting every new person we meet?"
"I'm not bugging him! Right, Bo?
"Of course not. Although you do remind of a certain overzealous colleague I once had back on Helen. Nice guy but very talkative, overwhelmingly curious and just the tiniest bit pompous. I heard he ran off to..."
There's that warm, dozy feeling again. Have to...keep my head...up...eyes...open. This really is interesting...must get to the bottom...but...not...now...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello there! Lim here with a review.
This was a charming read. This novel makes me think of a more chilled-out ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ with potential for more introspection and character development. I feel like we’ll be getting into Mestea’s relationship troubles and Harper’s past on Earth as the story goes on. For now, I’m not sure where specifically the plot is headed since it seemed that Mestea rejected the library suggestion in the first chapter.
Something I like about this chapter is the characterisation. Mestea and Bolo are distinct and vivid in their manner of speech, with Mestea quoting “Earth sayings” and Bolo telling extremely detailed stories filled with tangents. Harper’s voice is pretty strong and consistent - he sounds casual and at times flippant (such as when he discusses the ‘toy that is actually a torture device!)
I like the physical descriptions used to characterise them. I like that you remind us that Mestea and Bolo have different appearances and anatomies than humans do, as that helps make the sci-fi aspect a lot more immersive and believable, such as in:
I also liked the description of Bolo’s journal as a way of characterising him:
I like how it shows him to be adventurous, yet sentimental, and it’s also cool how even though the aliens are different (which Mestea highlights a lot in the previous chapter) they can still share some similarities in culture with humans, like journaling.
Something you might want to consider is how much information you need to tell the reader directly? While I found myself wanting more details about how Bolo ended up in Australia (like what’s the relationship between humans and aliens more generally?), sometimes I felt things didn’t need to be pointed out:
I feel it was already obvious that Harper didn’t want Bolo finding out about his actual reason for being away from the earlier parts of the chapter, so having it spelt out kind of took me out of the experience for a bit. This may be a personal preference, but when a character experiences a difficult emotion like being homesick yet not able or willing to return, I kind of like that to be shown more than told (since people often aren’t very direct about difficult emotions).
Finally, another thing I liked about this chapter was the pacing of the dialogue. Despite Bolo being rambly, it never feels like any of the characters is speaking for too long. The conversation seems to flow naturally between them, which I appreciate especially because their conversations are the feature of the story so far.
Overall, I think you’ve got a good start to a space adventure here. I can see this story going in various directions - perhaps some inciting incident will happen in the next chapter and lead to a more tense narrative arc, or maybe the tone will continue as it is for a bit and we’ll slowly explore more about the cultures and characters in this setting. My main feedback would be to leave a little room for mystery when it comes to characters’ deeper emotions at this stage.
Hope this helps and keep writing!
-Lim
(Please ignore this comment and the empty one below, website got bugged a bit)
Heya! AnotherCrowInRow is here with a review of this chapter of your story!
This chapter picks up directly on the previous one, as Harper and his new alien acquaintances arrive at the shelter. We then learn more about the alien with special abilities we met in the last chapter.
I really liked how you work with the characters' individual voices - even without the dialogue tags, it would always be clear who was speaking. And while we're at character voices, we can get straight to our mysterious stranger! Like the main character, I was intrigued by this part of Bo's introduction to the others
It's obvious that you have a well thought out worldbuilding regarding the various alien races we encounter. It makes sense that aliens who can communicate telepathically would have a language that works differently than ours!
Bolo comes across as an interesting character - I'd definitely like to learn more about his abilities and his travels around the galaxy. I also like how you gave me a way of speaking that makes it very easy to distinguish him from the others - I was reminded of that one friend in friendgrou who makes every story 10 times longer than it needs to be. And that's fun!
His lengthy narration also creates a space ore future foreshadowing, so if making possible future connections to the plot was intentional, great job!
I know this is just a small thing, but Harper came across as heavily ADHD coded to me at this point. The way he reacts to being bored is very much how someone with attention deficit disorder would behave to me. I don't know if it was intentional, but cool detail
We know extremely little about Harper's backstory at this point - this is actually the reader's first stab at the main character's past! Immediately, this statement filled me with questions: why can't he return home? Can he really not return to Earth, or does he just not want to? Does Harper have any family on Earth? A good backstory is the kind we get in bits and pieces, and this is a good foundationfor that!
Hmmm, my theory is that being put to sleep is some sort of side effect of Bola's narration - that would explain why Mestea was acting a bit strange a while back. Well that's just my theory and I have no doubt that you as the author know the answer much better.
Your grammar is on a good level, I only noticed a few minor mistakes. The pacing of the chapter was also very good, and this chapter definitely moved the plot forward, so there's not much more to say on my part except that this looks like it would be a great story whose sequel I'd definitely love to read!
Have a nice rest of day/night/whatever is in your timezone because timezones are chaotic and stay safe!