CHAPTER 1-IN THE MEETING ROOM
Atomias looked at his son, Arapad and smiled to his soldiers with pride, the same pride that had once displayed when he was crowned King of Gordia. The entire kingdom was celebrating, but Atomias and his wife, Eros had other things on their minds. They were about to meet with Gerd, the wizard who has been friends with the royal family for generations. Atomias looked behind him when he heard approaching footsteps. It was a messenger,
“Your majesty, Gerd will now see you” the messenger said.
“Yes, thank you” Atomias replied with worry in his eyes.
Eros picked up her new born son and they both headed for the meeting room. “Welcome, my lord” Gerd said standing up “please, sit down”. “I am not here to relax Gerd” Atomias said, “you said there was urgent news about my child’s fortune, tell me now”. “Patience my lord”, Atomias began to grew restless he wanted Gerd to get to the point quickly while Eros sat still looking worried. “Your Majesties, I have foreseen your son’s destiny, I have seen something very disturbing, something that worries my old mind, something I can not yet come to understand”. “Your son’s destiny is quite different”. “Of course it is, he is a King!” Atomias interjected, “Silence Atomias!” “Listen to what I must say. 100,000 years ago, I witnessed the War of the Lands of Midart against Mortar and its leader Lord Reliar, who wanted to take over”.
“I know of this war, for my ancestors fought in it” Atomias said “Why do you remind me oh great Gerd”. “I remind you because it is the War that is you son’s destiny”. Eros spoke for the first time, “What do you mean oh Great Gerd”.
“Your son will introduce this war to Midart again.” Silence fell within the entire room. Eros had managed to get Arapad asleep. “How will my son do this?” Atomias asked with a scared tone, “That is what I have not yet come to understand Atomias” “Then ask the great universe, seek counsel with the great sorcerer, she is wise and she will have our answers” Atomias replied. “I have already spoken with her, my lord” Gerd said “She did answer my question directly, but her answer made me more confused”. Eros stood up angrily “Then why are you speaking in riddles, tell us what she said!” “Calm down Eros, daughter of Hois” Gerd said with annoyance “The great sorcerer answered my question with one word!” “And what is this word?” Atomias said. Gerd looked Atomias directly in the eye and said “betrayal”. Tears formed in Atomias’ eye and Eros suddenly became lost in her thoughts. Atomias did not quite understand what Gerd said but he had a feeling it would not be pleasing. He dared not ask Gerd what he meant but he felt a fear creep over him and this formed the tears. Eros came back to her senses and stared at Atomias who looked back at her. “I will be leaving Gordia and will travel to Elanor to use the knowledge of the Elves to find out what the great sorcerer meant” Gerd announced. Eros couldn’t say anything else but “Thank You” to Gerd.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, monster, here to review as promised.
I would like to make many a point, pertaining only to one thing. As I go on, these things will probably be clearer to you, but for now, allow me to quote the whole chapter to enforce my point. Yes, the whole chapter.
Right. Let me start right off with saying there's no description whatsoever. None at all. You seem to be gearing - or trying to - towards those epic - and alas overused - prologues, with the nobleman, the wizard, the prophecy, and oh yes, the inevitable betrayal. However, cliched as it may be, this is a cliche overused because it's very epic, if done properly. So edit the small mistakes in this, and it'll be epic. The lack of description makes this piece seem very awkward and quite unrealistic. You really need to focus on that, as it's the main flaw in this work.
Secondly, spacing. That's important, because it makes the piece feel cleaner and much more accessible to a potential reader/reviewer such as I. Try adding a space between every paragraph, trust me it works wonders. Just check this review out
Furthermore, I would also like to point out out how you never insert actual commas after the end of a speech mark. You use periods or just capitalize the pronoun or name, which is incorrect.
You also occasionally refer to Gerd as 'great gerd' or 'Great Gerd' at seemingly random intervals. So yeah, capitalization. Speaking of which... ohgod. 'Mortan'... am I the only one whose brain is screaming 'Mordor'? Some editing needs be done lest this becomes a hopeless LOTR rip-off, please.
Alas, this great piece was ruined by the lack of spacing and description.
Sorry this seemed harsh. Keep it up!
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
Hello there! This is a good start, but I think that there are a couple elements that could be improved just to make the reading easier. I don't have much to complain about with the actual story and writing style, but I do have some things to say on the mechanics of it. I know that isn't particularly exciting, but it can really make a piece more accessible and less intimidating to a reader.
Spacing: You should put a blank line between each paragraph or at least tab it over with each new one. That way, it looks less like a wall of text and is easier on the reader's eyes. I know this isn't relevant to the actual story, but that way it'll be easier for people to read it.
Dialogue: The main error I found with the dialogue was that it was hard to tell who was speaking to who. There are two ways that you can fix this. SparkOfDoubt said that you should space out your dialogue differently; I'd like to add that it is actually grammatically incorrect as well as confusing to have two or more people's dialogue in the same paragraph - each time a new person speaks, it should be a different paragraph, with very occasional exceptions. Even though that can make things seem way more drawn out, it makes a world of difference in readability. The other thing you can do to make dialogue easier to follow: if there are only two people talking, then you can just have dialogue back and forth without "he said" "she exclaimed" every time, but if there are more than two, make sure the reader can tell who's saying what, and how they're saying it. A good thing to keep in mind is that the writer knows what they're talking about no matter what, but the reader might not.
Punctuation: In dialogue, I noticed you often wrote things like, ' “Your majesty, Gerd will now see you” the messenger said.' Although you were right to take the period out between 'you' and 'the', a comma is supposed to be inserted instead of a period whenever you do that. That was just something that bothered me. Also, make sure you end all questions with a question mark. One thing I've also found in most pieces is that people rarely use enough commas. Don't be shy with commas - if you use them right, they help with the flow of the writing instead of harming it, and even if that doesn't concern you, it's grammatically wrong not to use them in several cases. (Gotta love grammar, I know.) One thing I always suggest is looking over a piece to check for mechanical errors like punctuation and spelling - you'll almost always find some typo or mistake.
Sorry this was sort of long... This was an amazing piece, though! The only advice I can offer you on style and plot is to maybe explain the characters' reactions a little more, or at least the person who's POV it is, and be sure they don't overreact - trying to hold back a smile can convey amusement better than laughter sometimes, and trying to hide tears is better than openly crying. Hope this helps - I can't wait for the next part.
Monster
I think it's good, Roman!
Listen, I'm not going to annoy you with me complaining about spelling errors or typos, but for future references just split your writing up into more paragraphs.
That way, lazy readers like myself don't get too intimidated, and there's more spaces between all the words. It gives readers time to breathe so they don't feel so squashed and claustraphobic when reading.
Overall I found it interesting. As I said, I'm not going to waffle on about your grammar or spelling errors, because I'm sure you want people to give you feedback on THE ACTUAL STORY and not your overlooked mistakes.
Keep going, Gingerhead.
thank you, I know there were many grammatical spelling errors! I was in a rush when writing this! thanks and sorry!
Hi Monster! Here again
So, obviously, this is much better than what I thought was much better than the prologue. But there are a couple of technically problems. The first is it appears to be a HUGE block of text. You need to find the natural breaks in the paragraphs and break them, making it easier on the eyes. No one likes to read a block of text! Also, spacing. You shouldn't have a bunch of space between dialogue and then something else. What I mean is,
This is not technically correct.
Also, you need to practice how to write dialogue.
This is how you're doing it now.
It's rather confusing for a reader to read, because it's all mushed together and harder on the eyes.
Try doing this instead,
She how I started a new line with the new dialogue? that will help with your big block of text, and make it so much easier to read.
Lastly, length. Try to make your chapters a little longer. When they're this short, they don't leave a lasting impression. It has to be really really really interesting for it to make a lasting impression. So try and lengthen it next time. Also, try and add some sizzle with some colorful adjectives, and a little description (which will help with the length situation.
That's it! Any questions, let me know!
~Drama
you always help me! thanks, i am in the learning mode!