Published March 4, 2011
1,2,3
Is what I say when we are alone and I look at you
Up and up
He says he lets me choose
1,2,3
Is how high you count
When you are getting out
My head is only in doubt
1,2,3
Is how many times it is done
on each
Until someone finds you with your gun
1,2,3
I think of the times we were together
I never felt ok but never to let that show
Always with a smile up for whatever
1,2,3
Insert, close, aim
3 beams of sweat trickle down my mane
Click, click, dead.[/right][/center]
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
The thing that disrupted this poem the most was the lack of an evident rhyme scheme. It changed with every stanza so perhaps you should choose just one and stick to that. I like the 1,2,3, idea but this poem also confuses me. What is it about? Anyways, I liked it nonetheless!
Hello, my dear. Tori here. I'll use this as a little space saver for my review. And keep in mind that we don't use chatspeak on this site
Uh.... not really sure what to think of this one. First of all, I think your description is very unappealing to your readers. Perhaps you should change it. I was only drawn to read this by the unusal title.
Also, this poem is really fast-moving, and it jumps from topic to topic too quickly and in reality it makes virtually no sense. Then again, I kind of like it because I admire how you kept in the 1,2,3 rhythm, especially in
All in all, this really has an acquired taste. To each his own, I guess. Good luck in continuing your writing and improving!
I did not really like this poem very much. It seems very bland. The idea is okay, but the way it is written is just...eh. That's all I can say about it. The repetition in the poem makes it stale and it is too vague. I understand what it is about, but there is no true imagery, no real emotion to it and flow it off.
This right here is a good example. The flow of this makes no sense.
Overall I would not rate this poem as a very good one. Forgive me. Keep writing though.