Chapter 1: Gone
I opened my eyes slowly, blinked twice to obtain a cloudless vision. The bleakness faded away as I stared blankly at a rococo ceiling but the gauzy strands of cobwebs hanged like a ghostly veils ruined its elegance. I positioned my hand in my view of sight, few inches above my face where a ray of sunlight passed through the room. I sensed the soothing warmth from the sun and it felt like I had the urge for it for a long time. I grinned unconsciously then glimpsed at the slight gap between the shady curtains beside me that allowed the sunlight to pierce in the living room. As I lowered my right hand, I gradually got up and sat at the comfy couch which I slept from the beginning. Facing a 32’ inch flat screen television-I estimated. That’s the only “normal” thing inside this room actually. With the tree of golden bones, hanged black Santas, glow in the dark cuneiform writings and different figurines at the shelves that I didn’t recognized. It’s more like a museum than a house I thought.
I scratched my back head from all of the oddness of the room. Then, I dropped my hand and placed it on my legs. There’s something in my fingers, I thought. I opened my slightly closed hand slowly and I saw crimson blood in my palm. I shrugged. My forehead creased and my body didn’t move a bit while I stared at my own blood. A regular person would probably felt tormented by now but it’s strange that I am not. I felt nothing. I scratched my back head again with force and more blood oozed in my hand but still I felt empty.
I gazed at my left hand without the crimson beast. As I thought of some kind of plan to know what happened to me. I moved it in front of my mouth then I bit my hand’s flesh. I didn’t felt pain. It’s like I’m kissing my hand rather than biting it. All of a sudden, blood spurted from my hand through my mouth, it tasted like iron with some salty and bitter tones as well. I spitted it out. I didn’t noticed I drove a lot of force through my bite, I removed my hand and wrapped it up with my black checkered neck tie. “I’m right” I whispered with a gloomy tone.
Fear and Pain which defined my humanity suddenly vanished from me. Numbness ruled me entirely that’s what I assumed. I stood up and walked through the Chinese carpet but glimpsed back at my couch. It was stained by blood, I can’t almost determine the original color of the couch aside from the presiding crimson. It’s assuredly impossible for a person to survive that much of blood loss but for some occurrence I lived. I’m like in a bathtub filled with my own blood without me noticing it. Maybe it’s because I wore a black tuxedo like I attended a prom night with an equinox theme. But I was still stunned I didn’t feel any agony from my wounds.
I gasped for air and walked through the house to search the bathroom. I felt the tacky blood in my feet as I stepped at the cold floor. I glanced through the walls and noticed the few imitation of famous paintings, a gigantic family picture frame posted in a wall beside the stairs, and weird decorations from Asian countries. It seemed like I knew where the bathroom was because it’s not that difficult for me to find it. I believed I had a google map in my brain... I smirked because of that thought.
I’m obviously standing right in front of the bathroom door so I opened it. I entered the room and switched on the light then I saw a rectangular mirror which consumed a lot of spaced at the wall. “Who are you?” I screamed while facing the mirror. I saw a teenage boy... around 17. He had an oblong snowy face with a sturdy jaw line. He had a dark brown hair and thick eyebrows with a scar on the other left which made him looked fierce. His eyes were green as a newly bloomed plant. Then, a long nose bent over continually pursed lips, which were pale and lifeless.
The only reply I heard was the echo made by my loud voice. There’s no one in the bathroom aside from me. I asked again but this time I touched my face with both hands feeling my flesh while looking at the mirror. I gasped while I lowered my hand and kept silent for a few minutes just staring at my reflection.
Then, I broke the deafening silence.“Who am I?” I whispered.
Confusion was all over my face. I screamed with a lot of anger. I bowed down, panted and closed my eyes to calm down. Unfortunately, it didn’t stopped me to control the wrath I felt. I opened my eyes and moved my head up. Then, I gazed at my face. I punched the mirror with all of my strength left. The mirror shattered so my reflection was fuzzy. My fist spurts out blood. It was really fast. I’m shocked that I did it to burst out my confusion and anger but it helped me to chill. I didn’t have fear and pain but I still had anger therefore I’m still a human. Then, I grinned. On the other hand, I had a significant mystery for me to solve.
My name,
my past,
my Memories,
everything about me
gone.
Suddenly, my vision began to weaken and as I fell on the bathroom tiles with some crushed pieces of mirror, a loud noise burst out to the room. I’m numb but my body was tired as well as wounded, it can’t hold forever. I froze though I waited for me to pass out and to die then rot in here. Abruptly, somewhat broke my pitiful thoughts. It was footsteps. I heard it became louder and closer to my direction.I gasped.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews
Greetings monotonix! Holographic Ladybug is here for a review!
~Nit-Picks~
I have no idea why the & symbol exists because it's not supposed to be used in the regular English language. It should be replaced with the word and.
Please put periods at the end of each sentence.
Something I have noticed is that you occasionally switch tenses. You're writing in past tense and you sometimes slip into present. Don't worry, though. I write in past tense and I end up slipping into present also. Really all it takes are some really hard looks at the chapter and then you fix the errors.
~Other Bits~
The very first thing I want to mention in this part of my review is the classification. Above, you have classified this as a short story while it appear that this is going to be a chapter one (hence what you stated when you first started your chapter). You should probably fix this because some reviewers will come here and expect this to be a short story and leave, while people who are looking to review a chapter of a novel won't come at all. To fix this, (I'll go step-by-step because you're a new member) go up to the side tab on the right and you'll see your avatar and some information about you, then two share this on... buttons, and the there's a white button labeled edit work. Click on that button and you'll come to a page with two boxes: one with your title and one with your story. Go to the bottom where you'll see three buttons labeled Save Changes, Preview, and unpublish. Click on the Save Changes one and you'll come to another page labeled Information. Here, you'll see three links. Click on the link labeled Click here to set options for this work and you'll come to yet another page where you'll see a bunch of classifications. The first one is the one you want (what is this?). You'll have your work checked off as a short story. Further up the list, you'll see novel/chapter. Check that off and then save your changes.
The only problem I have here is that I don't find the house strange or weird. Sure, you've got flags, an oriental carpet, and a bunch of figurines, but that doesn't really strike me as strange or museum-like. To fix this, try having things that are truly unusual like a moving pickle or a glow-in-the-dark machete or a whirlpool in a bottle. Don't be afraid to get creative with everything.
Another thing that I noticed is that you take too long to describe the sunlight. Another way of saying it is that you over describe it. This can be a bad thing because by around two or three sentences, you reader has a pretty good idea of what's going on and saying more can contradict their image or make them bored because you're stalling on the same topic for too long. To fix this, try sticking with two or three of your sentences or maybe do a bit of editing and create new ones so that the story flows better. Your choice.
What I have put above seems a bit clunky. It feels kind of like you're restating the same thing over a bunch of times. For example, just having hands gives us enough of an image. You don't really need "bare hands". It kind of defeats the purpose.
Then I noticed seems a bit passive and it's mentioned off-handily. You want your readers to know that that is happening for a reason and that it should kind of be a big deal. I'm not exactly feeling shocked and I don't feel like your characters is either. Your character is quite passive as well. However, I can understand why your character isn't feeling scared because you stated that they can't feel fear. But that doesn't mean that they can't feel any other emotions period. Wouldn't your MC feel at least a little bit concerned? Concern isn't always fear so it works.
But one thing that doesn't quite fit with this passiveness is that your character does actually feel somewhat concerned or panicked at the end. So if they have emotion then, emotion now would be great.
To fix this, add some emotion. Remove then I noticed. Replace it with something else.
Here, you're showing and not telling. Do not tell us that you are bewildered by the fact, show us how you feel.
Spoiler
He was angry.
Showing
His face turned bright crimson and his fists clenched tightly. His teeth were clamped together tightly and droplets of spit flew from his mouth as he seethed.
The one thing that bothers me here is why your MC bit their hand. It seems completely random and self-abusive. Maybe what you could do to fix this is have your character wonder what would happen if they bit their hand. Or something like that. The point is that you need to give us a reason.
Problem: you contradict yourself. You stated that your character can feel the oozing blood on the back of their neck but then go on to say that they can't feel anything and that they're completely numb. I understand what you man by this and where you're coming from (I almost missed it, actually), but it's kind of a major flaw in this chapter that needs to be fixed. To fix this, have them scratch the back of their neck or something then when they stop, they see the blood. Cue reaction.
The last thing in this section of my review is that I wish that you would describe what your character looks like when they looked into the mirror. I wasn't really feeling the shock I should have been during that section of your chapter and for that reason. Try describing your character when they looked into the mirror and try incorporation their shock into the description. It will help tons.
~Good Bits~
I like the idea you've got here of someone losing all of their senses. It's quite a creative one but is pretty hard to pull off. You leave us with a sense of mystery that wants someone to keep on reading. That's a very important part, so great job on that.
You also move at a pretty good pace here, so a thumbs up goes to you. Pace is a pretty big thing when it comes to writing and I've got no problem with yours.
That's all from me. Welcome to YWS, by the way. You've just joined us today too! Great! If you have any questions about the review or the site, don't think twice at all to ask me. I'll be happy to answer.
Stay cool!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thanks for your review. I changed it like you said and I hope you'll like it. I'm sorry for the flaws I had because It's my first novel and english isn't my mother tongue. Btw, your wrong about losing all of their senses. How about his sight? smell? hearing? touch? taste?. You'll know for the next chapters so stand by lol
Ah, much better.
Glad I could help!
Hi monotonix, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
You portrayed his emotions pretty well. I think that you were going for a more docile form of emotions since you were speaking about him not having emotions like anger or fear. So you portrayed him well, but I hope to see more character development in the next part. You are having another part since this did say part one right? 
Story: So you started out the story in very descriptive manner which I really liked, because you gave me a sense of what was around me before plunging me into the story. I don't have much to say about the plot other that it sounds really interesting and sounds like something I have never read before, so I am going to have to wait and see till the next chapters before I can deduct anymore from the story.
Characters: There really is only one character and I don't know his name yet, so I going to refer to him as the main character.
Description: As for the description I think you pulled it off pretty well, maybe on the margin of too much since it is a short part, but I liked it. I don't have much to say about the description other than it is pretty great.
Small problems: One little problem I pick up (I noticed a crimson blood in my palm without any) take out the (a).
Overall an interesting story and I hope to see the next part soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day.
thanks for your positive review. It mean a lot