Published July 23, 2011
-rains-
And all the world, was stoped
As flying leaves, by rakes where toped
And such a flash, lit up the sky
And no one dared to wonder why
Fire came down, like tremolous sorrow
To erase all the world, its past and tomorrow
But earth will do heal, be green once again
All nature be washed, by sweet simple rain
A rain of flame to cleanse the sins
Of those who walk, void men-like tins
And lights will flash, and trees will flutter
And earth will speak, its mourning mutter
It was saved!, the green is back!
It was saved!, from horrid black!
And no one will notice
And no one will see
"What was human kind,
was not ment to be..."
And so birds will sing
And nothing will wring
And the grass will swish
With winds' fresh wish
And all would not know
not even the roe.
and no one will see
there's no me nor thee...
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138,503 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
Monolith! This is one awesome poem you got here.
Here I go...
TRULY BEAUTIFUL: The imagery was great, and the message was clear.
Now, I think the only problem here is the punctuation. But of course, that's what writing this for. So I could help you if you'd want.
1
2
3
GO!
Like for example here:
(I'd take off the first And)
All the world was stopped,
as flying leaves by rakes where topped.
And such a flash lit up the sky,
and no one dared to wonder why.
Fire came down, like tremolous sorrow
to earse all the world, its past and tomorrow.
But Earth will do heal, be green once again.
All nature be washed by sweet simple rain.
A rain of flame to cleanse the sins
of those who walk, void men-like tins.
And lights will flash, and trees will flutter.
And Earth will speak its mourning mutter.
It was saved! The green is back!
It was saved from horrid black!
And so birds will sing,
and nothing will wring.
And the grass will swish
with wind's fresh wish.
And all would not know,
not even a roe.
And no on will see
there's no me nor thee.
Thar! I'm pretty sure that if you learn this your poems would get featured, 'cause this is great and it's the proof of your talent!
P.S. Here's a cookie for being the writer that you are...
Spoiler
~Solvy <3
Harsh, but incredibly true.
When i had first opened your topic, (before Inkwell's contribution) i was instantly confounded by the first two lines of your poem; -
They simply did not make any sense to my wondering mind.
However your idea of rain and your use of imagery is good. I can see through the mistakes you have commited (and no doubt would be willing to mop up), that you've got them creative juices flowing. I simply think you had thought too much of the whole rhyming aspect of your work, that it left little to no room to do anything else.
Though i must congratulate you on the following,
That - I liked a lot.
Would like to see more of it
Let me know if you have any q's,
Espeon.
"stoped" is not a word. "by rakes where toped / and such a flash," This doesn't make any sense.
Your rhymes are as one would expect. I like this line: "earth will speak, its mourning mutter"
"ment" is a typo or spelling mistake and "meant" is the correct spelling.
The "and" should be capitalized ("And") in order to have consistent and correct punctuation. I would drop the ellipsis because it weakens your conclusion. A full stop would give it more force and finality.
Overall your poem treats a unique subject interestingly. I feel like it is too repetitive though, and basically a glorious hymn to nature, leaving few real insights for the reader. Which essentially makes it boring to read.