It was once said that the mind is an elephant, rowdy and uncontrollable. Whilst conscious you ride your elephant and guide him to your perception of normality. Yet when you sleep the rider does also, though the elephant rages on and is left to his own devices. It is in this time you are weak and you are unpredictable.
My mind runs in circles
torrents of confusion lace my mind.
It is no longer a place of calm and serenity,
the haven where I would hide has been demolished.
In it's place is an entity that I no longer control
Running wild throughout me
My sub-conscience has been invaded.
Violated,
Lost and
Confused.
By your doing.
You are not who I thought would cause this,
You are the person I least suspected.
You are not the kind whom I would fall for,
You are the one who people shy away from.
You are not the ideal which my mind cries for.
It is not your looks that draw me
nor is it the memories we have, for which there are none.
Yet my biology cries out
overruling my stubborn mentality.
Chemicals overthrow my theories
no matter what you say.
You are of little words of which I know.
You are not spontaneous or outrageous
You are of focus, a symbolic model of determination.
You are of analytics and answers, not of this confusion I state.
You are the one that leaves me hanging,
Hanging on your last word,
your next glance,
your next odd joke
You, are the one my mind has run to.
You have caused my loss.
You are the reason I am who I am.
You are are the one who takes my dreams.
You have taken my rider from me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey!
Smanske15 here to review!
First off, these are merely suggestions, and I in no way expect you to use them, but they're here if you want.
Here are the critiques:
"Yet when you sleep the rider does also, yet the elephant rages on and is left to his own devices."
This sentence sounds jumbled. I would suggest making it into two separate sentences. I would guess it sounds so unclear because you use the word "yet" twice.
"The place where I would run and hide is demolished." This sentence is kind of wonky as well. I would either add an adjective, such as, "The safe place where..." or cut, such as, "The place where I would hide is..." See? Much clearer.
"Nor is it the memories we have, for which we have none." I think you should cut out the word "which" in this section. It would just create a more even flow. I would maybe change "have" to "share," too.
I absolutely love this part: My sub-conscious has been invaded. Violated, Lost and Confused. By your doing." It has such raw emotion! Your piece is really quite moving. I loved the underlying story. I believe you're the kind of person who could make something beautiful out of something destructive. Very, very great poem, overall!
Thanks, I'll take on board your suggestions and play at around a little with them, my biggest downfall is just sticking commas in random places aha
Cheers glad you liked it:)
This is great. I loved the visual elements incorporated into the words. The thought of a rowdy elephant and its rider to describe the healthy mind. The idea of stealing away that rider to plunge the elephant back into its wild roots. It's a great metaphor. The rest of it also provides a great atmosphere. This desolate, inescapable moodiness. This empty plain of a once vivid mind. It's all really cool imagery. Simply wonderful. Really good work!
Thankyou, I've not wrote ages so it's so nice to receive this feed back, cheers!:)
This is so emotional.Its sheer heartbreak. I love it. You described heartbreak so beautifully.This is so vivid.It has a ton of powerful lines.This is completely wonderful.There isn't many works that can evoked something from me but somehow yours really hit me.Simple put this is entirely beautiful.Good luck!!!
Thankyou so much! I am glad that you understand its meaning and how strong the emotions are. Cheers!:)
Cheers to you my friend because you breathed life into those word.@mongoose