Hi dream!
Specifics
1. I think this would really benefit from moving a few things around to change where the emphasis is! For example, your first two lines are a touch repetitive because you start with the full image and then move inwards to a vaguer description. It builds suspense more to start with the vaguer image and then move outwards to provide the full picture. Like this:
Thou heartless, winged beast,
machine without a heart!
2. I'd like more about the heat and about how the machinery works. I feel that I should be able to get this great sense of sweltering, friction-creating machinery. You could use words like 'broils'. Also, it's a little bit fragmented. I'm not sure what the angel has to do with anything or really what this mechanical item/ creature looks like. What shape is it in? We need more details!
3.
A lot of this poem needs tightening and tidying up so that it flows more smoothly, but this line here is great! It has a good beat and the internal half rhyme is very nice. If you could do more of this, that would be good.Gift of the gab,the booby trap
Overall
I found this quite difficult to follow! I think the helicopter hit a flagstaff and went up in flames? I'm not certain though as it was quite abstract.
There were some good lines here, particularly that one I pointed out, but I feel you should have had some more concrete imagery to help us picture what was going on. I'd have also liked the view point to be more angled to give you a firm persona. What I mean by that is, is this the helicopter talking or a person inside the helicopter or someone watching from below?
That's all for now! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I hope this gives you a few ideas. Thanks for the read
Heather xxx
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