I noticed him looking at me from the corner of my eye. I slightly turn my head. when I have completely turned to look at him he disappears. I jump on to my feet, the room doubles in size. As I begin to move it continues to grow. Walking forward now, it feels like I'm floating. He pops up, seeming really far away. Now that I've found my target he notices me looking at him. I run forward and he slips through me.
"What is this madness?" I yell and the lights flicker until they are dead. I've become angry. Why can't I touch him? He stares at me. "Who are you?" I scowl. He nods and says nothing. I realize that his lips are glued shut.
I also realize what is happening. "This is a---- it can't be." I glance at him, he nods. " It's a game."
He shakes his head and clamps his hand over his forehead.
"It's not is it?" He nods. I walk to comfort him. Yet again he disappears " Ugh! What is this?" I scream. he pops up lips unglued.
"It's just your subconscious." After he speaks a hot glue gun appears floating in midair. He reapplies the glue to his lips.
"What?" I answer in disbelief. He gives me the finger. All I can do is stare. IT CAN'T BE. What is this world? I look around myself. I ask him for a name. He pulls a sharpie from thin air and spells out
Ellen
I look around myself again and fifty clones of a girl stand around me. I realize I've asked him for a name and not his but I don't have to ask. He writes his name in to the air
Ryan
" Who Ellen?" I realize he's taken and I'm not aloud to talk to him or touch him. I find that this game is my reality in the form of a subconscious dream.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, MollyWatkins! I hope your day has been good so far! It's Myth here for a review on this awesome day! I just wish there wasn't all the warnings about the weather. Anyways, onto...
I apologize if anything I say seems harsh, or for any typos in my review.
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I. Tenses. I too struggle with these, so don't feel bad. Most of this seems to be written in present tense, but the first sentence is past. You can easily fix this by changing "noticed" to "notice"
II. Show, don't tell. There isn't a whole lot of telling in this, but there is some. Don't get me wrong, in some cases telling is good. There's a just a few instances where it can get a tad boring. Here's a few examples~
Right now, this is telling. By switching this to dialogue, you'd be showing. Switching it would also help readers to get to know the Main Character better.
Ok. So she's come to this conclusion. But how? Why? What does she think about it? You've got to explain these things to your readers. Well, you don't have too, but it would really add to the story.
III. Length. This is pretty short, honestly. Sometimes short is good, don't get me wrong. But I feel like there's chances for you to add things that would help the story, and add length.
Such as what this place looks like. What this guy looks like. How the MC feels(there's some of this, but there's still a chance to add more). Facial expressions. What certain things feel like; like how it feels when she runs through the guy in the first paragraph. Does it send a chill through her, etc. Just seemingly little things like this can really add to a story.
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I.
A. When needs to be capitalized
B. In the second sentence I'd think it would flow better with a "and" after the comma.
II.
A. I think instead of the dashes, an ellipsis would work better. An ellipsis is the three dots(...)
B. Also, this comes up a few times. You don't need a space after the quotation mark and before the first word. So, it should be "It's a game." Here is another example of this small issue~
Also, "he" needs to be capitalized in this quote.
III.
A. When you want to empathize something, it's best to use italics since All-Caps can be distracting.
IIII. I can't copy and paste this for some reason, but it's about when the man is writing the names. The names don't need to be on a new line. You could simply put then after the sentence before them and italicize them. So it would look like this
A. It should be "Who's Ellen?"
B. The second sentence is a bit confusing at the beginning. I'm not sure what you mean by "taken" is he gone? Also, the word your looking for is "allowed", not "aloud"
I hope you continue to have a great day! I also hope that nothing I said came across as harsh.
~Myth
Hello there! I'd just like to say that the title drew me in! Great choice with that.
Also, if I'm correct, this is in present tense? So change "noticed" to present tense.
I love the idea of this story! So much integrity and originality! Just a few technical things to work out 
Okay, so I know this is just your rough copy. I ran into a few grammatical/technical errors that are easy to slip up on.
I do have a few nitpicks, and I tend to give a lot of advice. Don't take anything I say to heart down below, because it's simply advice/suggestions. My goal for you is to improve and hear the reader's perspective, not to insult you or anything, so please feel free to send me back some angry caps if this comes off harsh! (Which I really hope it doesn't:)) Also, I may sound short in some of these comments, only b/c I don't want you to have to sift through a novel of a review (this will probably end up obnoxiously long anyway).
"I noticed him looking at me from the corner of my eye." Let's change up "looking" to "staring" or "eyeing" or a more fun verb
"I slightly turn my head." sounds better as, "I turned my head, just slightly."
"when I have completely turned to look at him he disappears." Capitalize here, I'm sure this was just a typing error. This sentence is worded a bit awkwardly. Let's change it up to:
"When I whip around to find his eyes, he disappears," or "When I completely turn my body to get a glance at him, he disappears."
I really love how you've worded this: "As I begin to move it continues to grow. Walking forward now, it feels like I'm floating." Perfect!!! Creates a great effect.
"He pops up, seeming really far away." You don't need to incorporate "really" here. It's stronger without it.
Long story short, just remember to mix up your verbs. There are plenty of ways to say "looking" that will keep the reader engaged
"It's not is it?" I would shorten this to "It's not?"
"he pops up lips unglued." Use a comma here: "He pops up, lips unglued."
"I realize I've asked him for a name and not his but I don't have to ask." A little too wordy. Change to: "I realize I've asked the boy for A name, not his name. But I don't have to ask."
"I find that this game is my reality in the form of a subconscious dream. " This ending feels to quick, like you're rushing it. It's also a little confusing.
Let's change it up: "I find that this game is actually my reality. It's in the form of a subconscious dream..." You need a little something after this as well. Something to close off this little passage.
I feel like it shouldn't end here. Maybe end it with the boy reappearing, and the girl fades off into the darkness, or vice versa. Something with more closure.
Anyway, my intention was to just give you suggestions
Shoot me any questions or comments you have, please
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon