Lover, oh Lover
do not look at the beauty of her
Your gentle kiss brings me life
yet it will be the cause of my strife.
No one can see
what you do to me,
but do not fret
I won’t leave you yet.
Another night in endless time
as you bring your lips on mine.
I cannot fathom anything more perfect
than your heart beating with mine, with no defect.
But you scream as I leave
It’s for the best, it’s another trick up my sleeve
I couldn’t bear the thought of your lips on another.
But as I go I know that there is no other
for me than your sweet, sweet embrace.
But I must go before your heart attaches to mine in point lace.
Lover, oh how you cling to my arm
as I leave, you cry tears from my harm.
Go to your mama for I have left.
Cry over my body which is bereft
of all life. It’s over for me.
It’s not my choice to leave you,like cold tea.
I whisper to you in my last breath,
“I don’t love you like you love me” it’s time for my death.
You cry harder and harder.
It’s finally over, the barter.
Life in chains for a death in your arms
I am free of your charms.
I’ve left you high and dry.
This is a lovers goodbye.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well then, that was not a happy tale.
I will say that I was impressed that I didn't know where exactly you were going with the narrative. I thought at the beginning that maybe the lover would come back at the end, but instead they died or something, which was rather surprising.
I also commend you for having rhyme throughout the entire poem. There were a few that sounded a bit corny, like me and tea, but even so you rhymed, and stuck with it. I applaud.
Now, saying that, I will say that while yes, you did have rhyming, you had barely any meter whatsoever. I tried reading this out loud about 4 times and was never able to find a steady beat, and that is a major problem. In the case that you are going to use rhyme, meter is a very important element. You have some lines that shorter, some extremely long, so when there is a beat, it only lasts like three lines then you change it. You need to create a meter, and thus, you'll probably want to reword some of your lines so that they can be more even. That, or maybe change it to free-verse, you could probably make this sound really cool if you were to do that.
Other than that, I really don't have much to say. The reviewer before me basically hit all the other elements that I didn't list, so I hope this helps!
Keep writing and hope to see more!
~Maddie
Well hello! I'm SecreteJournalist, but do feel free to call me Brie.
If you have any questions, comments, concerns or just want someone to talk to, feel free to message me or drop a comment on my wall!
If you don't mind, I'm going to just jump into reviewing!
Critiques:
I feel like the overall idea of this section needs to be elaborated on a little bit more within the sentence, to diminish confusion. Also, I'd advise adding a comma after 'but do not fret' since a pause sounds like it'd be a dramatic yet effective thing to separate the last two lines.
I'd advise to get rid of the comma between mine and with and change with no to without. It seems like it would flow better that way.
Don't forget to add a period. And maybe change but to yet? To me, it'd make more sense to start a sentence with yet since the previous sentence doesn't seem to lead to 'but' as well.
Add a period. And though this is just a different way of formatting this line, I think making it it's own stanza or italicizing it might give it a dramatic effect.
'as I go I know' seems to kind of break up the flow of this line.
When reading this as one sentence, 'you cry tears from my harm' seems out of place. Maybe transition to that more?
This first line seems kind of strange compared to the rest of your poem because it seems to have a more sarcastic tone to it. Also, the last line doesn't seem to make much sense. I'm assuming you mentioned tea to rhyme with me, but in the context of the poem it doesn't make sense. And don't forget a space after the comma.
This second line seems a little strange and wordy. Maybe reword it so the flow is a bit smoother?
I think imagery and more description would help emphasize these two lines.
??
Other Comments and Praise:
The two ending lines of this poem were really, really nice. I thought it left a sense of wanting to know more yet still made it a nice dramatic end. Good work!
I think adding a little more description and imagery will really make this poem even more amaze-balls!
I hope this helps!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie