z

Young Writers Society



Black Hole

by molly9009rae


The Black Hole

My life is at a standstill,
I’m sitting here in pain,
Just holding on.
I can’t make up my mind,
Do I agree?
Or not?
I try to fill the holes in my heart,
Soon it shall turn into a black hole,
Sucking up all of my emotions,
Twisting them into whirlwinds of color,
Twisting into black.
I hold onto the last remaining feelings,
But they wont last.
Everyone tells me that it will all be O.K.,
What is going to be OK,
The fact that I have lost my childhood home,
Or lost one of my dearest friends,
Or that my pain and suffering is only genetic?
I feel betrayed.
I sit here,
I sit here wondering if life can get any harder?
Suddenly,
It’s answered.
Yes,
Sadly.

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32 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 32

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Sat Mar 24, 2007 6:39 pm
shadowstorm wrote a review...



I agree with Mad. There are definitely strong emotions conveyed in your words, but the varying in length of the lines makes it a little choppy. Maybe if some of the long ones were broken into two shorter ones it would flow better. I think at least some of them could have that done to them without losing the feeling or meaning.




User avatar
227 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 227

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Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:12 am
Mad wrote a review...



The poem has some very powerful emotions in it, but it doesnt quite flow.

The rhythm of the lines is a bit stunted, which works at time for the abruptness and pain which is conveyed, but at other times it doesnt.

For example

Do I agree?
Or not?
works fairly well in this shortened form because it adds finality. However at other places longer lines would help make it more steady.

Soon it shall turn into a black hole,


I think you need a "For" at the beginning of the line so that there is some conjunction between it and the previous.

I feel betrayed.
I sit here,
I sit here wondering if life can get any harder?
Suddenly,
It’s answered.
Yes,
Sadly.


I think that these lines work well.

In general it is a piece which contains much emotion but it doesnt quite come across as strongly as it could. Maybe you consider making stanzas.





If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson