Young Writers Society

eh WOW.
I love it. It's real and relatable and clever and all that schizz. J'adore ca.

mnesomeye wrote:She looked across to the other table at the group of girls, as They laughed; People have already said "it shouldn't be a capital 't'..."
played with their glossy,
glued extensions;

complimented each other's luminous, dirty faces,
streaked with paint and powder; J'adore ca expecially. It's clever; like, you're portraying make-up as dirt. Smart much.
stroked labels; I think 'stroked labels' should be in the next verse, as that's the one about clothes.

100% cotton, denim,
underpaid labour.

Stood out in perfect, blatant
conformity.


Then she saw herself.
And cried.

Wow.
That completly summed ME up XD.

I thought it was very powerful and I liked the way you described their girls appearances.

played with their glossy,
glued extensions;

complimented each other's luminous, dirty faces,
streaked with paint and powder;
stroked labels;

hello my name is xena and i shall be your REal reviewer for the day...

She looked across to the other table at the group of girls, as They laughed

Hey there! -shakes hands- I'm Sarah and I'm your reviewer for today.

Just one technicality:

She looked across to the other table at the group of girls, as They laughed;

I'm not sure whether you mean for the 'They' to be capitalised. If it has a significant meaning or a symbolism, as in them being like a sisterhood or solid group or whatever, then leave it in. If it's just a typo, then I'm not just rambling for no purpose.

You have some great ideas here. The emotions are good and you've obviously thought out where you're heading. However, there's nothing really tangible in this poem, nothing for the reader to truly take away with them. There were some great moments, now you just need to embellish it.

Use concrete imagery and vivid descriptions.

Love, hate, happiness: these are all abstract concepts. Many, maybe all, poems are, deep down, about emotions and other abstractions, but it's hard to build a strong poem using only abstractions - it's just not interesting. The key, then, is to replace or enhance abstractions with concrete images, things that you can appreciate with your senses: a rose, a shark, or a crackling fire, for example. The concept of the objective correlative may be useful. An objective correlative is an object, several objects, or a series of events (all concrete things) that evoke the emotion or idea of the poem.

Really powerful poetry not only uses concrete images; it also describes them vividly. Show your readers and listeners what you're talking about--help them to experience the imagery of the poem. Put in some "sensory" handles. These are words that describe the things that you hear, see, taste, touch, and smell, so that the reader can identify with their own experience. Give some examples rather than purely mental/intellectual descriptions. For example: "He made a loud sound" versus "He made a loud sound like a hippo eating 100 stale pecan pies with metal teeth".

Use poetic devices to enhance your poem's beauty and meaning.

The most well known poetic device is rhyme. Rhyme can add suspense to your lines, enhance your meaning, or make the poem more cohesive. It can also make it prettier. Don't overuse rhyme. It's a crime. In fact you don't have to use rhyme at all. Other poetic devices include meter, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, and repetition. If you don't know what these are, you may want to look in a poetry book or search the internet. Poetic devices can make a poem or, if they bring too much attention to themselves, they can ruin it.

Save your most powerful message or insight for the end of your poem.

The last line is to a poem what a punch line is to a joke--something that evokes an emotional response. Give the reader something to think about, something to dwell on after reading your poem. Resist the urge to explain it; let the reader become engaged with the poem in developing an understanding of your experience or message.

Your last line was quite strong, actually. I personally think you should keep it.

Good luck with the poetry!

Sarah

xxx