Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
okay so this is just the first chapter. it's a little boring right now but aren't all first chapters. please read and let me know what you think. i promise it gets better.
Like every other seventeen year old girl on this planet I have shit to deal with on a daily basis, but instead of stressing over what to wear or if the cute guy at school will talk to me or studying for finals, I stress about killings, keeping my crew in line, and making sure no one ever finds out my secret. My name is Mary Elizabeth Lynch, I am seventeen years old and I am a magical mob boss. I spend my entire life making sure people think of me as the five foot, spunky, funny teenage girl; not the monster I am. I know I cannot change the things I did, it was to protect my men, and myself but I’m getting ahead of myself, lets rewind a little bit to when I was born.
I was born on August 17th, 1994, in Houston, Texas, my mother died during childbirth and no one knew who my father was, so I was put into foster care. I was always different from the other kids; I barely slept, had a very bad temper, and never thought before I spoke or acted. The way I acted was different as well, when I was a baby, I would cry at night and the lights in the building would flicker on and off, or when I wanted something it would appear out of nowhere, kind of like magic. After being sent from foster home to foster home, I found my way to Philadelphia where a foster home run by the Sisters of Mercy. When I was five I realized that no one can ever know what I was, but by that time it was too late, the damage was already done and all the kids stayed away from me.
When I turned ten the staying away stopped and the cruelness began. They would call me a freak and said I was weird. They would leave me out and taunt me. So there I was little orphan Mary Elizabeth Lynch on my tenth birthday alone and mad, I was mad because no one wanted me, wait scratch that I wasn’t mad I was fucking pissed off. So I packed up my stuff and crawled out the window of my first floor group bedroom.
I walked for what felt like forever, all of a sudden I got very tired, I began looking for shelter or a hiding spot. I could see a big rusty truck that said “Cavanaugh’s Oil” on the side. It looked like it had been there for a while so I decided that was where I was going to sleep, well I didn’t so much decide as half fall half collapse on the ground. So there I was a little ten year old sleeping outside next to a stinky oil truck, when this strange man walks up to me. At the time I thought he was huge, but now I know he is just a normal sized guy, I woke up with a start but I didn’t scream…I never liked screaming it always hurt my throat but if I had to I would blow this guy’s ears out. The man said he wouldn’t hurt me and that he saw me out here and thought I was cold. I still didn’t like strangers; I mean I was ten not stupid, so I was still wary. He sat down gave me a blanket and started a fire.
The thing is, is that he didn’t use a match to light it, he bent down to act as though he had something but he didn’t, I was watching him, when I saw a burst of blue light come out of his finger. I looked at him and asked, “How did you do that?” he looked at me like I was crazy, “Do what?” he asked, but I could just tell he was lying to me; it’s another one of those things that made me different. “I saw the blue spark come out of your finger, and don’t bother lying again…I can tell when people are lying.” He look startled that I could tell his lie and figured out what he tried to hide from me. “You’re like me aren’t you?” I asked him. “I have no idea what you mean.” He answered quickly and nervously, “You’re lying again, you know what I meant you’re different too, and you can do things too!”
I was so excited I found someone who was like me, except I could feel that he did not have the power I did. “I’m not agreeing or disagreeing to what you are saying, I am not enjoying this conversation, bye.” He was leaving…no he couldn’t…I couldn’t let him. “No!” I screamed, making a tree branch fall from a tree above, it landed right in front of the man. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to almost hit you I just—I just couldn’t let you leave.” He looked at me with wonder in his eyes. “You did that?” he asked, I was afraid he would leave if I spoke so I just nodded. He watched me for a minute, and then slowly walked over to me. When he stood in front of me he crouched down and said, “Do it again.” “I can’t I—I don’t know how to control it.” He leaned back and let out a sigh, “It’s okay kid.” “My name isn’t kid it’s Mary Elizabeth Lynch.” I said with fire in my voice, I hated when people called me kid, I was more mature than most of them anyway, it made no sense. “Well I’m Harry.” “Nice to meet you Harry.” I stuck my hand out to shake hands; he looked at it for a long time, looking at it strangely before he accepted it. The moment our hands touched, a big shock passed between us. We both recoiled, and then he smiled. He knelt back down and whispered, “Mary Eliz—hey your name is really long can I just call you Mel?” “Sure” “Okay, well Mel you are very special.” “I told you I was like you.” “Well you’re not exactly like me, we both have magic, I only have a little, but you Mel, you have a lot. You are very powerful, even more powerful than me.” “I know.” “You know?” “Yes, I could tell you were different but that I had more power than you.” “Wow.” “Is that good, or bad?” “Good, really good. So do you know anything about magic?” I shook my head, “Well then,” he said, “let’s go back to the fire, I’ll tell you all about it.
For an hour we sat there talking about magic. After a while, he asked, “If you’re an orphan shouldn’t you be in an orphanage?” I told him I hated it there because everyone made fun of me and no one wanted me because was different. He said that that wasn’t true and I told him it was the older kids told me so and I over heard the nuns talking about me one time, “I have really good hearing, like AMAZING hearing.” He chuckled again then said the older kids and nuns could go fuck themselves. I told him that was a bad word, he apologized, then I confessed sometimes I slip and accidentally say it sometimes too. This time he let out a loud laugh, his laugh was really contagious, and before I knew it I was laughing really hard.
After we stopped laughing I said I was sorry for my laugh, he wanted to know why I was sorry and I told him that all the other kids make fun of my laugh, they say I laugh like the hyenas from The Lion King. He said that wasn’t true, he told me my laugh was the cutest laugh he has ever heard it’s a real laugh not a fake one. Harry and I talked for hours after a while he asked if I was hungry and I told him I was starving so we went into the diner that the oil truck was parked at. While we were eating Harry told me I had to go back to the orphanage. I was so mad, I trusted him more than I trusted anyone ever in my life. He told me to stop pouting and looking at him like he took the last waffle in the diner, I loved waffles. I told him no matter what he did I would NEVER go back to that place with those mean kids. He promised it would be different this time. He needed a place to stay and he said he was going to ask the nuns if he could use one of the extra rooms upstairs. He said he would see me everyday.
So after about thirty minuets of Harry bribing me with waffles and bacon galore I finally agreed to go back to the orphanage. As it turns out I only walked five blocks, I wasn’t as super fast as I thought. In the morning we went to the orphanage. The nuns seemed so happy to have me back but I think they were kind of upset, I have always been good at reading people. So after Harry and I begged the nuns into letting him stay for a month, they finally agreed. I was so excited about Harry I went to go tell my friends, dragging Harry by the arm. Half way to the playroom where all the other kids were I stopped. Harry asked me what was wrong; I told him I couldn’t show him to my friends, because honestly I didn’t have any friends to show him to. Harry crouched down and said something that I would never forget, he said, “That’s okay you only need one best friend… I have you, and you have me.” After hearing this, I broke down into tears, Harry picked me up took me outside in the garden and sat on my favorite bench I told him about the night before and held me until I stopped crying.
After my epic-crying episode, Harry and I spent nearly every second of everyday together. The night before the last day of Harry’s month at the orphanage we were upstairs in his room watching one of the shows he liked to watch, I used to enjoy it but that night all I could think about was that Harry was leaving me tomorrow. During one of the commercial breaks Harry changed my life forever, he said, “So Mel you enjoy hanging out with me right?” “Well duh Harry, I wouldn’t be hanging out with you if I didn’t have fun.” I replied. Harry said, “Good, because I was wondering how you would feel about me adopting you.” I was stunned, I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just said what I was thinking, “Are you sure? Because I’m kind of annoying, you would get bored of me.” He sat right up and looked me directly in the eyes and told me, “You are not annoying and I could never get bored of you, I already treat and think of you as my daughter so why not make it legal?” So of course I said, “ In that case hell yeah!!” Apparently Harry thought I would say yes so he had been making the adoption plans for three weeks.
The next morning I left with Harry, in the big oil truck, never to see the place I lived in for five years, the place with the strict nuns and mean kids, the worst place possible for me, I knew the best place for me was with Harry.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi mlynch13!




Thank you for writing this wonderful piece of work! 


I like your novel's title: "The Diary of a Teenage Mob Boss". It really hooked me to read your work. Nice one mlynch13!
I didn't agree on what you have said that it's boring because I really really enjoyed reading it. Even it's just the first chapter, it doesn't made me bored. The use of simple and more familiar words for me, is good because it helped me a lot to understand clearly the flow of the story and doesn't made me lost while reading. It was very organized and detailed. Readers can feel too the spark of emotions that the characters in the story are having. It was really nice to read. And at this moment, I can say that it's a good start for your novel. I can't wait to read the second chapter. I am excited!
Your creative writing made your readers' imaginative minds to be energized.
Follow-up: I just wanna know on how old is Harry this time? I just want to know.
I also want you to know that I just joined YWS recently. And this one is the first chapter of a novel I've read. I know it's a good start to have some more!
Good Job!
Keep writing!
Hi, Red here.
Okay, so this does need a lot of work - the plot line it's self does seem interesting. At the beginning, you mentioned that a lot of beginnings are boring but you need to bare in mind that when you start reading a book, you don't read from the middle - you read from the beginning, which is the part where the reader decides if they want to carry on reading.
So, your beginning needs to be interesting! I tend to open mine with either dialogue, but interesting dialogue in a tone that will reflect into the rest of the novel; eg - If I was writing a comedic novel, I'd open with dialogue that seems a bit unusual, but funny, or the punch line of a joke.
Another way is opening with a really interesting fact about your character, which you know would make your readers fall in love with them, I could also suggest rhetorical questions, or just a questions, because a lot of people read to lose themselves and what better than being involved in the book by the first line?
You need to work on your paragraphs and layout, they just look like blocks - you need to break some of them up, and have some singular sentences to build up tension.
Your character is a modern day, angst ridden, leader of a magical cult, teenage girl right?
She doesn't sound it, especially when you're writing the scenes of her as a ten year old child. Her tone sounds almost robotic, it might also be linked to the way you've written your paragraphs. For example:
This, you could change to:
So there I was, little orphan Mary Elizabeth Lynch on my tenth birthday both alone and mad. I was mad because no one wanted me, wait - scratch that, I wasn't mad.
I was fucking pissed off.
It makes it sound a lot more angry, you know? The short sentence tells you she's about to do something drastic to get out of the audience, that she's about to make a life-changing decision.
Another major problem is your dialogue, if a separate character starts talking you NEED to start a new paragraph, or it gets very confusing.
You need to work on missing commas, spelling errors - simple grammar mistakes like that, there's plenty of articles you can read in the Knowledge Base section in Forums.
But like I said, this could be really interesting if written better!
Also, I had a quick look at your profile and I'd like to say welcome! You'll learn a lot here and I hope you have a good time!
Keep writing, Red.