A steady yet unpredictable storm had blown over the small and remote town of Fort Secritie. The enourmous columbus clouds raided over head while a sharp and cold wind rushed through the empty streets. Above the town, atop a highened cliff swayed a small lanter, that marked the spot where (only visable in the day) a monsterous mansion was grounded. With in this house, four figures lay around the fireplace. The tallest one , a man with long dark red hair put back into a half ponytail/half braid,stood looking looking out the large bay window facing the Black Woods ,north of the town. Sitting down playing a small game of slap wrists, were two identical young girls, both around the age of 13. They both were dressed in a school uniform, somewhatly more darker. There was a big overhaul chair infront of the fireplace, completely ablaze. Beside it, a bright blounde with extreme fitness, leaned against it looking down at the person sitting in it. She reached up to fix her practically seethrough tube top and tightened ripped black leather pants.
"What is on your mind, Sir?" she says to the man sitting within the chair. The twins stop their playing and the tall man turns around to face the man in the chair.
"Who are the new people moving into the Rumstoms House?" the man in the chair askes to the tall man.
"Ms.Rebecca Nielous and her daughter, Meldey. Their coming here for the new posistion that has opened up within the labratories. She is 37 years old and the daughter is 17 years old and is in grade 11," he reply while stiffing his posture. The man in the chair stood up. slowly walking over the the second bay window that faces the town, he searched the darkened homes till he finds the Rumstoms House, only a five minuet run from the mansion.
"Hmm.....do you know who the daughters fathers is?" he questioned the twins on the floor.
"No, we didnt. It doesnt say on the file system," they says simeltaiously.
"Why...what do you sence?" the woman askes.
"Something....about the girl...her name.... theres something similair about it....like a lost memory....heh....I guess I will have to find out what it is ...personally" he responed as he turned around and faced them all, his pale, sharp-fitureed face lite up from the light of the fire,"......we will ALL have to find out."
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
first off, your spelling and grammar definately could use some work. I've only read a few sentences and it's already distracting me from the actual story.
Alright, I also think that some more background information would be useful, both on the characters and the setting. Add some depth to the way that the characters move, act and speak to give them more individuality.
This prologue didn't really catch me either, it needs some work to hook reader's attention.
Okay, first I suggest you space this out a little bit so it's easier to read.
"Visable" is spelled "visible". I also think it's "within" instead of "with in".
You should put four figures sat around the fireplace. Lay makes it sound like they were a)laid there by someone else or b) just lying on the ground.
You should put: She reached up to fix her practically transparent tube top.
It sounds better.
Didnt=didn't
doesnt=doesn't
simeltaiously= simultaneously
Also: they say simultaneously instead of says.
Sense and asks.
Okay, enough with the grammar. I think this prologue could use a little bit of work. It didn't catch my eye and it didn't hold my attention throughout the whole thing. Add in some more dialogue, feeling, and emotion.
Otherwise, I'm eager to see what happens.