z

Young Writers Society



What Lies Beneath Fort Secritie - Chapter 1

by mlofroth


Melody ran down the dusty street of Marks Street. It was her first day at school and she was already late.

"Oh great....now what will the teachers think of me?" she thought as she skid into the parking lot of Fort Secritie High School. Opening the front door, she noticed that their wasn't anyone in the halls, even though the bell just rang. As she approached room 345, she also noticed that she couldn't hear any sort of voices even within the class rooms. She stopped to catch her breathe before knocking twice on the large maple door. As she looked down the hall, only again to noticed that all the doors looked alike in every way, the door of room 345 opened slightly to reveal a short bald man wear briefs and a stripped tie.

"Can i help you?" he asked in a very low slowish voice.

"Oh yes, um....I'm a new student, Melody Nielous ,and I guess that this is my home room." she relpyed politely as she showed him her schedule paper.

The man looked down at the paper, then looked back up at her, "I guess you are then...well....come one in..." he shrugged as he turned back into the class room.

Meldey followed the short man out of the hallway into the brightly lite white-walled classroom. As she looked around, she saw that almost every one in the entire class was wearing black leather, silver chains or any other sort of rebellion type of clothing. The entire class, except for one person at the back. The last person in the second row was a Blonde girl who had the most brightest brown eyes she had ever seen. When she noticed Meldey was looking at her, she sweetly smiled and wave, plus motioning that she should sit in the empty desk next to hers.Meldey smiled back and waved an "OK" as she waited for the man to sit down.

"I'm Mr.Wastor, your Historical and Geography teacher for this year. If there is any questions, ask me at the end of class." Mr Wastor pronounced as he waved for her to go sit down. Meldey started to head down toward the back of the class, when she caught the eyes of some of her new classmates. There was a boy who had his head down on the desk and it looked as if he had been drooling. There was two other boys where one had a black suit and white hair while the other had a white suit and black hair. Further down the way she over heard to over-pierced girls say,"Oh my satin....she one of the Bubbles...".

As she reached the back of the class, the Blonde girl stood up and put out her hand while saying, '' Hi, I'm Brittany." As Meldey shook her hand and sat down, she told Brittany who she was and where she was from.

"Alright, alright....it seems we have a new student in our class now....so now that its over with...lets get back to work okay?" Mr Wastor said while handing Meldey her daily assignment and her booklets.

******************************************

The wind blew softly against Melody's face as she walked up the long uphill road toward her new house. ‘To day was a weird, yet good day I guess’ she thought.

She made three friends: Brittany, the blonde from first period…actually, she was in all her classes except for last block. Mirage, a somewhat miget who was the schools soccor team leader and VIP. She was in her block 2 and3 classes ( Science and Gym) . Then there was Miseralla, also in her block 2 and 3. She apperantly had lived here all her life with her grandmama, since her parents “mysterously” dissapeared when she was four years old.

Miseralla ran a readers group that she had joined; it was mostly just a time of the week that she, Miseralla and some other strange kids ,that never showed up all, got together and just read at the library. Nothing much, but its how her and Miseralla got to know eachother.They all were a werid group, but she liked them all. They were almost like her old friends at her old town.

By now she was just turning into her antique looking mini masion she now lived in. It was and would always be bigger then anything that them two would have lived in while in the city. There was two towers that stood side by side, one was her bedroom tower and the other was her hangout tower. Her mom let her have them since her mom was afraid of hights. To the letf side was a five door garage that was somewhat disconected to the house. At the moment it was fulled with empty boxes from the move.

To the right was a barn and a old graveyard-like feild. The barn supposivly use to house horses and prizewinning cows, but now all it held was old hay and owls. The feild wasnt really a field but more like a swamp with tracks of dirt mounds linking through-out it. In the middle of the swamp thing was a gazebo-like struckture. She hadn't had time really to look at her new suroundings clearly since she had moved in. Walking up the long, cobbled driveway, she thought that she felt like someone was watching her. She lifted her head from the ground and quickly looked around. There wasn't anyone in sight around and the only house close enought to have someone looking at her was the enormous cliff-side mansion about 50 feet away.

She looked over at the house. It sent a chill down her spine as she did. The house was old....really old. It looked as if no one had lived there in years! The paint was peeling off the sides, most of the window shingles were broken off and three of the front windows had been boarded up...along with the fact that the grass looked as if it had never been mowed. But she knew someone did live there. She had seen people drive in and out to that place, and there was a red longhooded car in the driveway at the moment. As she looked at the top windows before going back to look at the ground...she thought that she saw a boy or someone watching her from the top right window. They had dissapeared as she looked up so she couldn't really tell.

Now standing on her creakky patio, she unlocked the giant maplewood front door and stepped into her house, leaveing the cold , and the mysterious figure from the window, outside.

******************************************

A warm draft hit her face as she closed the door behind her. She locked the door behind her, like she always use to do in the city. She undid her long- trenched green jacket and placed it apon the standing coat hanger by the door. She paused, taking in her new home clearly for the first time.

To her left, opened a large sitting area, filled with boxes. She continued onward into her new home. she reached the top of small stair way that lead down into a huge,open living to the right of her. It was the size of a ballroom, she predictied. There was a large crystal canderlire hanging from the ceiling. She looked beside her to find the light switch. With one flick, the entire room was bathed in lumious light beaming from the canderlire. She looked across what was in front of her. On the right wall there was a large fireplace, with fine oak trim. In front of it was a large sofa that was moved there from her old home.

To the Front wall, facing the driveway was a giagantic window partly closed by an equally sized piece of metal sheet. It also could have been covered up with giant burgandy courtians...that, when needed the be close, it took a machine router to move them, then again so did the metal sheet.

To her left was a large kitchen. It seemed that every room in her new house was huge. The kitchen had a countless amount of cupboards. Near the back was an amry sized frigde that could hold enough food to settle her and her mom for a month and then some. Their over was something that you would find in a restruant. She dropped her school bag and books that she had been carring on the kitchen island in the middle of the room.

Going back to the sitting area, she went up the flight of stairs that discounted from the sitting/doorway to the right. As she walked down the hallway at the to, she passed the bathroom, the first door on the left. She looked into her mothers room, the first door on the right. It was dark.

"Hey mom? You in here?" she called out to the darkness.

" huhh? Is that you Meldey?"

"Yeah it's me, schools over."

" Well...tell me about it!" her mother said as she pushed off the covers and place a night coat on.

"It's very gothic...everyone there is practically emo! I meet some freind though. Their not emo...like the only ones that arent. We are kinda called the Bubbles to the other kids." Medley told her mother as she walked back down the stairs and flopped herself apon the couch near the window in the sitting room.

" 'Bubbles?' That's pretty odd." her mother replys sitting across from her in a leather armchair.

" The whole schools odd , mom."

"anyway tell me about your friends.'

" well first there's Brittany, whos very preppy but super nice!' Medley started as her and her mother got comfy for the long talk they ended up haveing. niether of them noticed that the sky quicky turned black and rain began to fall. Meldys mother, Rebecca, jumped at the first Thunder clash of the storm. " oh my we must have been talking for a long time..its already 8:30PM! i think im going to go make something for dinner...you hungry?"

' not really but i could eat... first dinner in this new place yah know!'

" hey your right! , well then lets make something grand shall we?" Rebecca claimed as they walked into the kitchen.Meldey stayed in the sitting room and looked out the window.

"this place is kinda beautiful when it rains..." she thought. soon after her mother had left to make dinner, a red flamed viper sports car pulled into their driveway.

" mom were you expecting anyone tnight?"

"no why do you ask?"

the doorbell rang loudly, "cause theirs someone at the door."


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User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 47

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Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:51 pm
FlyingDream says...



Much, much, better! Thanks for spacing it out. :)

Okay...Now your critique.

Oh great....now what will the teachers think of me?" she thought as she skid into the parking lot of Fort Secritie High School.


It should be: she thought as she skidded into the parking lot...

As she approached room 345, she also noticed that she couldn't hear any sort of voices even within the class rooms.


This sentence doesn't run really smoothly. Try: As Melody approached Room 345, she noticed that she couldn't hear any sort of voices within the classrooms.

She stopped to catch her breathe before knocking twice on the large maple door.


Breathe should be breath.

As she looked down the hall, only again to noticed that all the doors looked alike in every way, the door of room 345 opened slightly to reveal a short bald man wear briefs and a stripped tie.


Eek! You're writing in two different tenses here!
Try: She looked down the hall, only to notice that all the doors looked alike in every way. The door of Room 345 opened slightly to reveal a short, bald man, wearing briefs and a striped tie.

"Can i help you?" he asked in a very low slowish voice.


Make sure to capitalize your I's!!!

she relpyed politely as she showed him her schedule paper.


It's replied. :)

Meldey followed the short man out of the hallway into the brightly lite white-walled classroom.


It should be: brightly lit.

Okay, those were only a few of your grammar mistakes. There were a lot that I noticed, so my suggestion is that you do a spell check before you post. Also, Microsoft Word is pretty handy when it comes to spelling and whatnot. I also noticed that you spelled Melody two different ways in your story. Stick to one so you don't confuse the reader.

Now onto your actual story (Plot, characters, etc.). You need to put more emotion into your characters. Right now, they seem lifeless. Give them something for us to care about: purple hair, nose ring, or anything else you find 'unique'. :wink:

What I like about this was your ability to create pictures in my head of the setting. It was perfect! I could feel the scariness of the school, I could see Melody's tall house in front of me. I'm insanely jealous. I'm not good when it comes to description. I also love the names. They sound so...French? Tee hee. Anyway, the pace was pretty good too, although, I would speed up a tad bit more.

But this chapter did have some weak points. It didn't really draw me in. To me, it was just a chapter. Nothing really happened. Try adding in some mystique and danger. MAKE me want to read. Maybe Melody's teacher turns into a vampire, or Melody is a spy from another world (just suggestions) but make your story apart from the others.

Anyway, I'll be glad to read the second chapter and the edit of this one. PM when you get them up and running.

:)
FlyingDream




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47 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 47

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Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:55 pm
FlyingDream wrote a review...



Okay, before I try and read this I think you should space it out a little bit. Big blocks of text scare me away. Try putting spaces in between each parapgraph, it makes it easier to read.

Example:

"Oh great....now what will the teachers think of me?" she thought as she skid into the parking lot of Fort Secritie High School. Opening the front door, she noticed that their wasn't anyone in the halls, even though the bell just rang. As she approached room 345, she also noticed that she couldn't hear any sort of voices even within the class rooms. She stopped to catch her breathe before knocking twice on the large maple door. As she looked down the hall, only again to noticed that all the doors looked alike in every way, the door of room 345 opened slightly to reveal a short bald man wear briefs and a stripped tie.

"Can i help you?" he asked in a very low slowish voice.

"Oh yes, um....I'm a new student, Melody Nielous ,and I guess that this is my home room." she relpyed politely as she showed him her schedule paper.


That looks a lot better huh? PM when you post again, I'll be happy to read this.





Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria