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Young Writers Society



The last Queen of the Dammed - Prologue

by mlofroth


The wind blew raged across the wheat fields, and it came from every direction. All forced to the center. The sky above had become from a lovely darkened sunset to a stormy night. The noise that comes with the sunset of the forests around the field had suddenly stopped, now the wind was all you could hear. In the center of the field stood a figure, dressed in long, blackened and tattered clothes. Their hood was on, but their face was tilted to the sky. Their arms raised above their head, palms facing inward. The winds had joined together to create a vortex above the figure. They turned around in a circle, now reaveling that the firgure was now a woman in their 20’s perhaps. She rolled her head and shouted at the screaming vortex. She continued to yell ancient words at the vortex. Suddenly the winds closed the vortex and become a orb of wind. It slowly lowered to the center in between the womans palms. She brought it closer to her and seemed to cuddle it in her arms. The wind changed shape once more from a orb to the shape of a small wind child. She looked down at the wind and muttered a few words. The orb suddenly glowed and then the wind was gone. Replacing it was a small naked child, sleeping. The clouds around the woman sifted apart and turned into a calmed night. The woman, drained from the use of her powers, collapes to her knees. She turned her head to the woods and called out to someone. Coming out if the darkened woods , came a man, dressed in a suit-fighter outfit , holding a new traveling cloak on his arm. He walked over to the woman and kneed down to her level. He looked into the womans eyes, automatically knowing what to do next, since they had discussed this over 10 times the night before. He took off her old cloak, replacing it with the new one, handing the old one to her. She rapped the baby within the cloak then handed it slowly to the man. As he took the infant from her, she used her last bit of strength to lift herself up to say something in the mans ear. “Her name is…..Lumosa” she whispered, then letting go and collapsing to the ground. He stood tall above her, turned sharply and walked back to the spot he came from. After leaveing the field , he continued to walk through the woods. Soon he came to a black stallion tied to a tree. It looked up,flaring its nose and then relaxing once it saw who was there. It’s head reached for the knot on the tree, tugging it , in result in releaseing itself from its post. It walked over the the man and looked at the infant that he now held tightly. The baby woke now to the sniffing of the horse. It looked up at the horse with investigating eyes, then smiled at the new creature that she had meet. She now turned her attention to the one holding her. She looked up at the man, and reached up to stroke the mans face. The man chuckled at the new ones interaction. She giggled and screcking , whaling her arms in the air. The man smiled down at her and told her to be quiet with his fingers. She calmed down and looked around from where she was. “Well, lets go.” The man said as he saddled up top of the stallion. The horse whinnied slightlty then turned around from where they were. As the man rode upon the horse, he reached into his saddle pack and brought out a necklace. It was a string of beads, most likely pearls, with a amulet attached at the bottom. The amulet was a shimmering green and was in the shape of a circle . inside the circle were strings, all connecting to make a web of some sort. In the center of the web was , what looked like to be a diamonds, rounded into the shape of a sphere. He lifted it over his head, almost admiring it, then turned his face to the infant. He then lifted the child up to a level that he was able to place to amulet on the child. The child took the necklace within its hands and seemed to study the diamond in the center. The man chuckled as he observed her try and bite the diamond , resulting in hurting her quickly formed teeth. They had now came to the edge of the woods, coming onto a cliff side. He lead the horse to a cliff ridge that seemed to stretch out from the cliff. Once they were upon the edge of the cliff ridge, he looked down on the child. “ Well, Lumosa…I suppose this is it. Welcome to the world, my Queen.”


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Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:42 am
Fye wrote a review...



Hey, welcome to YWS! Just a note: Make at least two reviews before you post your stories; keeping the ratio of your reviews to your work 2:1. Also, always check for spelling and grammar mistakes before posting, and space out your work or people will most likely not read it. It would be very much appreciated! You can check the rules and FAQ at the Community forums under Welcome or feel free to PM me if you need help getting around. ;) Now, your story here...

The wind blew, raging across the wheat fields, and it came from every direction; all forced to the center. The sky above had become from a lovely darkened sunset to a stormy night. The noise that came[s]s[/s] with the sunset of the forests around the field had suddenly stopped, now the wind was all you could hear.

I liked your description here very much as a beginning. I would suggest changing to this here: ...across the wheat fields, coming from every direction.(sounds better, doesn't it?) Also, regarding the noise with the sunset, you should describe what that noise is since after that you mentioned the wind, and the wind also somewhat gives out a noise. Probably you meant the animals from the woods that fell silent as the sunset disappeared? And I'd put "...now the wind was all one could hear." But I think your sentence is alright.

In the center of the field stood a figure, dressed in long, blackened and tattered clothes. Their hood was on, but their face was tilted to the sky. Their arms raised above their head, palms facing inward. The winds had joined together to create a vortex above the figure. They turned around in a circle, now revealing that the firgure was now a woman in her 20’s perhaps. She rolled her head and shouted at the screaming vortex. She continued to yell ancient words at the vortex.

You have one figure, so you can't use plural(indicated in blue). Use "it" e.g. It had a hood on, but its face was tilted to the sky.

20's isn't wrong but in writing I would advise you to write in words. Twenties.

"She rolled her head etc... vortex" and "she continued to yell etc... vortex" Sounds very repetitive for "she" and "vortex". Try changing the words or the sentence structure so to make it not sound awkward.

Suddenly the winds closed the vortex and became an orb of wind. It slowly lowered to the center in between the womans palms. She brought it closer to her and seemed to cuddle it in her arms. The wind changed shape once more from an orb to the shape of a small wind child. She looked down at the wind and muttered a few words. The orb suddenly glowed and then the wind was gone. Replacing it was a small naked child, sleeping.

The description here isn't too clear and interesting regarding the winds turning from a vortex to an orb. "Child" is also rather repetitive since you already mentioned that it's a child and therefore readers will assume that it is a child and yet you still mention it being a child for the second time. I suggest you change "small wind child" to something more unknown, like a small creature of wind.

Coming out if the darkened woods[no space here], came a man, dressed in a suit-fighter outfit[no space], holding a new traveling cloak on his arm. He walked over to the woman and knelt down to her level. He looked into the woman's eyes, automatically knowing what to do next, since they had discussed this over 10 times the night before. He took off her old cloak, replacing it with the new one, handing the old one to her. She rapped the baby within the cloak then handed it slowly to the man. As he took the infant from her, she used her last bit of strength to lift herself up to say something in the man's ear.

“Her name is…..Lumosa” she whispered, then let[s]ting[/s] go and collaps[s]ing[/s]ed to the ground.

"Automatically knowing" makes the man seem robot-like. Use other words like "instantly" or "already knowing". Again I 'd like "ten" rather than "10" better. "Replacing it etc... handing the old one to her" is a bit confusing. Probably add "back": handing the old one back to her.

After leav[s]e[/s]ing the field[no space], he continued to walk through the woods. Soon he came to a black stallion tied to a tree. It looked up,[space here]flaring its nose and then relaxing once it saw who was there. It’s head reached for the knot on the tree, tugging it[no space], in result [s]in [/s]releas[s]e[/s]ing itself from its post. It walked over the the man and looked at the infant that he now held tightly.

Unless this is a magical horse in your story or a horse with personality, then I guess it's okay for the horse to let go of itself but you should mention what kind of horse it is. If it's just another horse, it doesn't make sense that it could let itself free.

She looked up at the man, and reached up to stroke the man's face. The man chuckled at the new one's interaction. She giggled and skreaked/shrieked[no space], whaling her arms in the air.

"Whaling" doesn't make sense. And it's not "wailing" either. It should be "flailing" probably, if that's what you meant.

“Well, lets go,the man said as he saddled on top of the stallion.

The horse whinnied slightl[s]t[/s]y then turned around from where they were. As the man rode upon the horse, he reached into his saddle pack and brought out a necklace. It was a string of beads, most likely pearls, with an amulet attached at the bottom. The amulet was a shimmering green and was in the shape of a circle[no space]. Inside the circle were strings, all connecting to make a web of some sort. In the center of the web was[s] ,[/s] what looked like to be a diamonds, rounded into the shape of a sphere. He lifted it over his head, almost admiring it, then turned his face to the infant. He then lifted the child up to a level that he was able to place to amulet on the child. The child took the necklace within its hands and seemed to study the diamond in the center. The man chuckled as he observed her trying to bite the diamond[no space], resulting in hurting her quickly formed teeth. They had now came to the edge of the woods, coming onto a cliff side. He lead the horse to a cliff ridge that seemed to stretch out from the cliff. Once they were upon the edge of the cliff ridge, he looked down on the child.

[no space]Well, Lumosa…I suppose this is it. Welcome to the world, my Queen.”

"Quickly formed teeth" doesn't make much sense. I think you should ommit the "quickly". Next, you repeated cliff too many times. Improvise more.

Most sentences in your story here are rather flat. For example, you tend to say "and then". The fun about writing and reading it is when you manage to improvise your words, making the story more interesting. Reading books and other people's work might give you an idea. You have a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes that you really need to take care of because some readers might be too lazy to correct each single one! As for your plot, it's interesting so far, though somewhat typical. PM me when you have another part coming up! Hope I've been helpful!

Fye.





“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables