Her head slammed into the seat, throwing her confidence and consciousness out the window. Glass shattered and rained down her face, most likely scratching and cutting her smooth face with its rugged edges. It had all happened too quickly. So quickly that she couldn't remember even being hit. Yet she was, she was hit.
Water pours over her body, drenching her figure, but not filling the empty void inside her head. The void inside her stomach, legs, arms, chest, inside her everything. Her hand reaches out to grab the shower nob, turning it probably too far left, allowing the water to gain heat. She can feel the steam surrounding her, making every breath humid and unpleasant. Yet this doesn't bother her, not nearly as much as the sight tattooed onto her eyes and printed in her mind.
Lights flashed around her chaotically, not bothering to catch rhythm with one another. All she could see was blurred colors, like she had just been swimming with her eyes open in a chlorinated pool for far too long. Screams, profanities, cries they all ran in one ear and out the other. She wanted to help, but she couldn't move, despite how wildly she was flailing her arms mentally. Suddenly, the lights were more distanced, more unattached, as something else – or someone else – stood in front of her. The girl could tell she was being asked questions,but she could not understand, but she felt as though she spoke a different language. Besides, this was all foreign to her. After a while, the thing moved from her vision, leaving her once again with nothing t grasp hold of but colors. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Black.
Was it bad that she feels like she is going to faint? Probably. What about crying? No, that's normal, haven't they've told her that before? So it's okay if her eyes burn. She couldn't tell if that was a sense of crying or if she had held her wide eyes under hot water for too long. Regardless, it was still a near to last thought in her mind. Her body was limp, eyes staring deeply into the white tiles before of her, lips quivered, wanting to respond the cries that haunt her brain, but nothing comes out. God, she was so far gone she didn't know what to do, say, or think. So she did the first thing that came to her mind.
She laughed.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Pretty Decent. Aside from a few spelling mistakes the only criticism I have is on your sentence structure.
I'd start the first sentence off with "the car lurched forward, slamming her head into the seat."
I'd rewrite Paragraph 2 as: "Water poured over her limp body, drenching her to the bone but not filling the void in her head" I'd also rewrite "In her everything" as it's own sentence.
Paragraph 3: arhythmically is a good word and it bears use here. It's actually very pretty and I suggest you rewrite the first sentence with it. The rest of the paragraph is almost completely incomprehensible. I'm sorry, but you need to rewrite the whole paragraph. Same with the final one. Mostly sentence structure.
Here's a couple tutorials
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lmKK5AbHIs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-DNwoZmstA
I definitely agree with the first two suggestions, thanks for pointing those out. But I disagree with the third paragraph one. There's a reason I don't make each of my sentences 15 words long or word them in such a normal way. I use shorter sentence for emphasis. Plus, if you didn't understand that I'm sorry, but I wanted to make people think about it. Plenty of people have u derstood and comprehended it, but if you couldn't, again, my apologizes.
Thanks.
MK
Whoa, this was good.
But still, I think you nailed almost all five senses, and maybe you could consider nailing the others for a stronger finish? You don't have to, of course, but it could be something to think about. I think of adding in the metallic taste of blood in her mouth after the crash, and maybe that same taste finds itself back to her while she's in the shower. And maybe, instead of her feeling the steam around her, she could actually feel the burning sensation of the water? I think that would make much more of an impact since the pain of the water couldn't possibly match what she felt that day.
I really liked your use of imagery throughout the piece. You were able to paint such clear images of what went on and what she's going through now; so seemingly effortless too that I'm growing a little jealous.
Of course, these are all suggestions to consider.
There was only one thing that stood out as awkward to me. It's the line about the sight being tattooed on her eyes and printed in her mind. I get what you're trying to say, but this seems a bit too flowery to get your point across. Sometimes, sticking with phrases that say exactly what you're trying to communicate are better than phrases like the one you wrote above, especially if you've got a lot of imagery in the piece.
Other than that, I think you did a fine job with this. Seriously. That ending line gave me chills.
Wow, thank you, honestly, this made me so happy. I LOVED your suggestions and I'm going to edit that as soon as possible. I love getting feedback on how I can improve this. Thanks again.
This is amazing, I really like the disjointed narrative, the confusion really fits the narrator's frame of mind. Did the narrator hit someone in their car? Sorry if that's not what you intended it to be, perhaps it would be good to clarify what is going on more, but then I wouldn't want to destroy the suspense which is gripping in this piece. Overall a really great piece.
thank you so much for the compliments and the review. To answer your question, kind of yes, the character was hit by a car/ hit a car. I tried to minimize the information I put in there so the reader can image it more themselves. thanks again.