Continued
It was a weird look. Others looked at her with the most curious face they could muster up. To them she was foreign, an animal. The girl was still human, still like them. And she knew why, but couldn't bring herself to understand why. Why they looked at her like that, or called her those names, or said things about her. However, her shoulders stayed tall, eyes kept up, and fierce looks burning in her eyes as they scanned her surroundings. She continued on. The last planned thing was to look vulnerable because vulnerability was weakness, and weakness never worked well with first impressions.
It was a haunting feeling. Her head was pounding, she wanted to cry, curl into a ball and play a symphony in her ears, to block out her mind. Anything, except doing what she was at right then. She could feel the tension surrounding her in the air, radiating off of the others. She could feel the looks piercing into the back of her head and she wanted nothing more than to make a rude remark back to the stares. But, she knew that would be unacceptable. So she continued on. The tension, the stares, the glares were all inevitable.
It was a peculiar thought. This brain loved to think, and loved to think a lot. No, there was never a time where she could just 'drop it'. Thoughts of insecurity and worries flooded her head. Who wouldn't be nervous around new beings? She certainly knew she was, if she wasn't it wouldn't have been so hard. Why did she care? There's a question she couldn't answer herself. The girl didn't know why she cared. That's what they wanted, right? A reaction? Doesn't matter. She continued on. The thoughts kept returning.
It was a dreadful sight. She has never seen so many people looking at the minority before. Especially when the minority was her. Their eyes followed her like a lost dog, wondering the streets of a small town. And she hated it. The limelight was never a space for her, the longer they stared at her the more uncomfortable she got. A hundred coated eyes trying to find her vulnerable ones, but they were hidden behind the light sheet she held above of her face. She continued on. The eyes constantly followed her down the corridors.
It was a strange laugh. Multiple sounds from new people would echo in her ears. She always knew what it was like to hear new sounds, but never so many at one time. It was like she was a hummingbird stopping for a second and listening. Listening to the unknown, something she was not used to doing. Hearing the new people in a small social circle, laughing about some pointless story was nothing new to her. It wasn't new to most people. But these people were different and each had a unique laugh, different from the others. And on some occasions, she would hear her laugh. The sound that slightly unfamiliar to her. She continued on. Laughs swinging around her, not quite slipping into her mind.
It was a new smile. The smile that showed sincerity. The smile that showed sympathy or pity. The smile that showed discomfort. The smile that showed mischief. Something special for every new face she observed. There was a feeling of hesitation with every new person she talked to, knowing her friend circle wouldn't be as wide as her last. Much like every other experience in life, some lied, some stayed the same, others improved. No matter what the population decided to throw in her face, she continued on. The small smiles she got in the hallways replayed in her mind, always wondering if they meant anything.
It was a obscure experience. The new feelings, sights, sounds, they all added up to something. And she is continuing on, still trying to figure out if that something was a peak, or a valley.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Greetings, Holographic Ladybug here for a super short review!
Your description is the main captivator in your story. Your story is so well described that I could see everything before me. You've got such a story within folds of description. You've even described your character so well that is complete. She's got a backstory and everything. I really can't find a single thing wrong with this, which add to how well-written you've made this.
Write on!
Hey! So I read your description and I find it really interesting. So I am going to write you a review. First let me ask, is this your challenge or the character's challenge. I haven't read anything yet, so it might be answered.
Here we go:
When you you said, "wondering the streets like a lost dog..." Did you mean wandering the streets? This is a little nitpicky, but I going to say it anyway.
In the paragraph after that, you said, "the sound that slightly unfamiliar to her." I think you left out the word was.
Those were the only things that I saw, and let me just say that this story is marvelous. I absolutely love it! It is so interesting, and the beautiful description that you used was just perfect. It made me wonder, it made me want to continue reading, and left me wanting more. Great job!
And still I wonder if this is your challenge or not. In the story I followed it so well, it flowed perfectly. You put just the right amount of detail into it but it still forced you into creating an image into your head. I loved all of the figures of speech that you used, and the new words that you put into it. What I mean by that is that you didn't over use any words. Unlike what I am doing in this review. Anyway, I enjoyed it a lot. And I hope that you'd follow me and read some of my work.
Keep Writing,
B.E. Writer
Wow, I read this whole thing smiling so much my cheeks hurt. Thank you so much, I'm incredibly happy that you enjoyed this! You were right for those two mistakes, thanks for pointing those out. And to answer your question, yes, this was my challenge. Not everyone notices that and you made that a large point of observation, so that means a lot. I will definitely make my way over to following you and am looking forward to reading your works!
Thanks Again,
MK
Hello, Phoenix! As I recall, I welcomed you a few minutes ago. Well, now I'm here to review your work!
Let's begin. So, a little into the story, we have our first nitpick. In this sentence, you mean that this person doesn't want to look vulnerable, because it doesn't give a good impression. However, you state that as the "last planned thing." If you didn't want to appear vulnerable, why was it planned in the first place? I think a better wording would be, "The last thing she wanted to do was look look vulnerable, etc."
"The last planned thing was to look vulnerable because vulnerability was weakness, and weakness never worked well with first impressions."
A little tense problem here. "Has" should be "had", in order for it to flow better.
"She has never seen so many people looking at the minority before."
So, excuse me if it's just me here, but I wasn't sure if I got the meaning. I do like the title--it fits with the story and all--but I'm not sure what the ending's supposed to be. Why are you mentioning peaks and valleys: is it because you're trying to find out whether it's good or bad, or what? And is this whole thing supposed to be some type of metaphor? I suggest you could make this a little bit clearer--make the idea known to the reader. The description was wonderful and the words you used were amazing, however. You are a very talented writer. Keep it up and keep writing, Phoenix!
-Artemis28
Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated! I'll definitely take this into consideration when I write. Also, thanks again for the welcome.